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Discussion Starter · #141 ·
TRIGGER WARNING! HIGHLY SENSITIVE CONTENT






So we had had consensual, quite rough sex last night.

There is a very good reason for this and I instigated it. I had been off meds for nearly a week and I was getting concerned that nothing was starting to happen and I dont want an infection from retained products.

I can confidently say that nearly 24 hrs afterwards, I have passed a massive clot which I'm hoping was the sac and maybe contents. The pain has started to kick in now and we decided between us to flush it or not get tested as previously discussed. The thought process was if we found out it was a girl, it would possibly open up the discussion of looking at Cyprus and saving up for gender selection as that would have conformed for definite that I can't carry girls..... we don't want that door opening up of looking elsewhere for further treatment and if we had tested, the temptation would have been there to reverse our decision. So unfortuantely/fortunately, it got flushed and that's that. The fertility door is firmly shut.

Since the confirmation of miscarriage, we have been struggling to connect. He was remaining strong and silent to help me ??? Wasn't showing his feelings so I felt he didn't care. He does, deeply. When he saw tonight's clots (I used my son's potty as I felt something happening and didn't want to use the toilet as I wouldn't be able to confirm) he went grey and then started crying. Straw that broke the camels back. I was able to cuddle and comfort him for a change. Of course, I'm also a realist (like my mum was), so when he said that was our baby πŸ‘Ά, I gently said whilst still holding him, it was never a baby, it never had any cardiac activity, it was simply a very expensive bunch of cells that never progressed. I'm sorry if that upsets anybody, but it is how I am coping and how I will continue to cope. It is a loss of future dreams, so I change my dreams.
I apologise if I sound hard. I don't mean to, but we all have our own unique coping mechanisms and this is mine.

I'm also very blessed to have 3 beautiful kids at home and 1 grown up son. Got to find the positives somewhere and they are my positives.
 

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Discussion Starter · #142 ·
ANOTHER TRIGGER WARNING ⚠





I'm in hospital. I've been in hospital since Monday night. Bit of back story.

All day Monday racing around, only dribs and drabs of bleeding, certainly didn't warrant changing my towel. Monday evening, settled down in my bed (bedroom on ground floor) To watch my programs. No sensations, no pain. Just a slight belly ache. 6pm, got the urge to push. So I rolled out of bed and grabbed the nearest thing, X's potty. Oh my God! I have never seen anything like it in my life. Thick, fresh, bright red jelly like substances in the potty. Nearly full to the top. The stuff wobbled if you gently shook the potty. Messaged my husband and he went white when he saw it. I rolled back into bed and he flushed. This went on for 2 hours every 20 minutes. By then, there was massive jelly like blood clots and I started hyperventilating and shaking and feeling cold and then hot. Lots of pain, lots of cramping. So I messaged my friend (nurse) and sent her a photo of the contents. She messaged back immediately and said CALL AN AMBULANCE. So I questioned her. She replied CALL AN AMBULANCE NOW!!!! So I ummed and ahhed with hubby. And went on the potty again. Asked my friend to come round and accompany me to hospital if allowed. She said yes. Rang the ambulance. Ambulance arrived within 20 mins. I was still on and off the potty. Paramedics saw it and did blood pressure and all the gubbins. By now I was white. White face, white lips. I said I wasn't going unless my friend went in with me. They said fine. Hubby gave me a tenner for my friends taxi home. By now, PTSD was kicking in as well. And I was going into shock. We git to the hospital and then stayed outside in the ambulance. For over 2 hours. Hospital was so busy. I was still crouching every 30/35 mins now so it had slowed on the bedpan and bleeding bright red fresh blood with huge clots. On the 2nd potty, I half got myself up on the bed and apparently my eyes rolled and flickered and I passed out. Because my legs don't lock, it took the 2 paramedics and my friend to haul me onto the bed. I was passed out for 5 mins. I did come round obviously. When they had checked my obs again, the paramedic went and told the hospital I had passed out and I was ramped up to a priority. Within 10 mins, I was in resus ward. Only bed availability. It took hours to get me on the ward and they said my friend could accompany me to the ward but only stay 5 minutes. By now, my anxiety was through the roof. I was on a drip with them flushing fluids through and I had I.V. paracetamol drip as well. Friend and I ignored the 10 minute rule and she stayed with me throughout the night and all Tuesday until 6pm. She became my voice, my advocate when I couldn't get the words out through my anxieties. And she was brilliant as she knew how to speak doctor language.
Tuesday morning scan. Scan showed still an intact embryo, no hrtbt and a perfect gestational sac. Embryo was still around 1.5/2mm in size. So still no growth but still refusing to be evicted. Although my body was trying hard. Bleeding slowed right down and hospital cogs turn very slowly. I was on my way to discharge with a planned surgery Thursday. 20 minutes before discharge papers were finalised (6pm), the heavy bleeding fresh red blood and massive blood clots started again. All into bedpans, all being checked by the nurses. So they came in and I said I really didn't feel comfortable being discharged. 1 nurse cried and said please let her stay in, and rhe consultants agreed. Again it was back to every 20-30 minutes. Going light headed and dizzy. I was told at that point I couldn't go to the toilet without buzzing a nurse to accompany me as the risk of me falling and passing out was too great. So I did as asked. At one point, they said they thought I had passed the embryo and intact sac. That produced howling and a complete emotional breakdown from me. Ugly sobbing. The ward sister said I can't leave you like this and sat with me. In between sobs all of it came out. My mum's death, my brothers death, my sons upcoming anniversary, the IVF cycles, the amount of money spent and wasted, the amount of miscarriages, everything. Just the sheer amount of grief that I live with every day. Weighing me down. Slowly destroying me. And this miscarriage being the catalyst of everything that's dark in my life. I did calm down and so did the bleeding. Virtually stopped. Back to fluid drips and pain killer drips.
Wednesday morning.
Scan reveals embryo and sac still intact but has moved closer to cervix and is beginning to slowly collapse. So I have a word with consultants and say we may as well try medical management with the surgery as back up on Thursday morning (today). So we do consents for both and a vaginal pesasry is put in. They have also agrees to cytogenetics testing and then the pregnancy products returned to here and cremation and a service here at my local crem. Which is amazing actually. All at no cost to me.

Well medical management works for 95% of the female population. Haha! I'm one of the 5% it doesn't. Absolutely nothing. Pain managed with iv pain killers. Cramping. No clots, no blood, nothing. Beautful clear urine output. Which is not what we wanted. Hemoglobin levels are now down to 75. So blood has been ordered for me for when I'm in surgery. I have been nil by mouth since 2am and on a slow fluid drip since 1am, to keep me hydrated. Blood pressure is dropping. And I'm a little anxious.

Because of everything that went on with the section (leaving me with medical PTSD) I have written a wishlist/plan of what I want before, during and after surgery.

Things like no preps to be done DVT straps, catheterisation, shaving to be done u til I'm knocked out. A relaxant drug before the surgery to go through my canular. Anti d to be given while I'm unconscious. It bloody hurts. Things like ensuring all ecg tags on breasts have been removed before I wake up. No one morph to be given. That makes me so ill. And nit multiple people in my room shouting info at me as I shut down and miss all information as my anxiety has reached maximum levels. There is more. But that's the gist. I've kept this plan as the nurse said don't hand it in to us, it will go in your notes and then more notes will go on top of it and it will be missed. Keep it with you and show the anaesthetist when he/she comes to spea1k to you. They can all see how absolutely traumatised I am. And they're all horrified when they realise it was this hospital that left me feeling as if I had been violated in every orifice with my section and left me with PTSD. Compounded by victim shaming when we went for the debriefing session afterwards........

So that's where we're at. Waiting for nurse switch over and the days lists to begin. Waiting for surgery. I am absolutely terrified but trying to keep a handle on my emotions. Hopefully this nightmare will be over soon. Its a weird place I'm in. I'm 10 weeks pregnant but I'm not 10 weeks pregnant. I'm angry at Serum for how everything panned out and the treatment of me this time, I'm also angry at myself for not listening to my inner voice when it kept saying this isn't right, you need to stop the cycle. I'm sad at how this panned out. I'm sad that I knew it would pan out this way. Even with good hcg and eventually good progesterone levels, I knew this wasn't going to work. It didn't feel right all the way down the line. My eating has been awful right from first bfp. 5 mouthfuls of food at every meal was all I could manage. I felt ill before eating and worse when I did. I couldn't drink tea, blackcurrant, orange squash. The only thing I was keeping down was coke or lemonade. Since Monday the only thing I've been able to drink is hospital water (how bad is that) and my eating still isn't great. I manage 1 slice of toast for breakfast, half a roast chicken meal at lunch, and some of a jkt spider with cheese at night. Never order pudding as I just can't manage it. I've always been a slight person but after X, my weight stayed around 10 stone. I'm now 9 and a half and still going down. Which I like personally as before kids I was 7 and a half stone, but I hate feeling constantly ill, constantly nauseous and so tired. No energy. No positive energy. And just this all encompassing grief surrounding me. I miss my mum more every day and it doesn't get better. Time isn't helping at the moment.

But here we are. Awaiting surgery. Terrified I won't come round. Terrified I'm leaving my kids...... the ward sister has assured me that although this is a big deal for me, it is a routine procedure for them that they do every day. They will resuscitate if needed, but it won't be needed. Strangely that information comforts me a little bit. But anxiety and PTSD is a funny thing.......

Me and ivf, me and donor ivf are done. I can't go through this again.
 

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Discussion Starter · #143 ·
IM ALIVE!!!! I DIDNT DIE!!!!

And actually starving for the first time in 10 weeks. Had ham sandwich and ice cream and still want chips but the dietician has refused that. So whatever. Gets chips on the way home if I go today.

Anti d couldn't be done I'm surgery as it would have pushed my time slot back. But they have promised magic cream when the anti d arrives.
 

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Discussion Starter · #144 ·
Magic cream as promised. I feel about 80% better physically. At the moment, not far behind that percentage.

Tea was roast chicken dinner and ice cream and I demolished them both in 5 minutes. So hcg must have dropped dramatically since the evacuation.

Will do home pregnancy tests when I get home.


I've had to stay in tonight because of the blood transfusion I had to have. My haemoglobin levels have risen to 95, so back on the Ferrous fumerate.

Little bit of irony. Gp, nhs, everyone kept refusing clexane to help sustain the pregnancy. I ran out of money so I was using clexane every other day and aspirin on non clexane days to try and eke out my supply.

Now that I've had the surgery done, nhs have issued me with 14 day supply of clexane ??? Which I am self administering.

Beggars belief!
 

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Discussion Starter · #145 ·
Home.

Yeah I feel like πŸ’©. I'm not eating properly
I'm not really being looked after. I'm still expected to do all the driving around. Errands. If I don't wash the pots, nobody does. No-one else understands the new washing machine apparently. I'm shattered. Constantly. I'm still bleeding. I'm still clotting. I'm still in pain. I'm still taking clexane. It all feels a bit pointless. My mental health is quite low and I'm scared I'm very close to my grave, (Not suicidal thoughts, far from it) just I know I'm not taking care of myself, too tired, and no-one else seems to care enough to look after me for me.

It's probably just melodramatic nonsense and I'm fine really......
 
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