I have made the switch to formula.
My head is in a really bad place, I broke down in front of the midwife due to the issues with prep in the theatre and she has ramped it up (with permission)with the advocate and she has taken it to her matron. The advocate is coming out to my home today to take notes and then I will be offered a debriefing with the hospital who will say it's all in my head and to get over it. Been there, done that.
So today/yesterday my nipples were.cracked, sore and bleeding. I had pain in my abdomen and generally feltΒ like a bag of cr@p. Putting Biggles on as absolute torture and I just thought I've had enough! Sent DH to the shop and bought formula. Fed Biggles formula and he didn't have another bottle for 4 hours. Breast was 1-2 hours. And it ws an absolute relief. So now, I have 3 days of engorgement which I shall take super duper pain killers (codydramol) And have either green cabbage leaves or cold compresses in my bra.
With everything going on physically and mentally, breastfeeding is a step too far. In the first few weeks it's a hard journey and you have to be physically and emotionally strong to get through some of the harder days. I'm not that person at the moment. It doesn't change the way I feel about Biggles,he is my absolute miracle and I love every inch of him. I just can't feed him naturally anymore.
I had to take the dressing off on day 5. We hadn't got a shower which helps so th went out and bought 1 that goes over the taps. It's fabulous! I was very frightened doing it and got him to stay in the room with me the whole time. Actually it came off easier than I expected under the shower head. I still had jelly legs and was trembling afterwards with shock I think. I wasn't cold. Because of my issues, th asked if he could drape my dressing gown round me as he knows, I don't want to be physically touched by anybody. He feels absolutely helpless and useless to help me. Can't comfort me because I don't want to be touched by him or anyone else. I'm okay with the kids obviously, they don't feel like a threat to me. Everyone else feels like a threat. Brain is in fight or flight mode and I've picked flight atm. Maybe I will get strong enough at some point to pick fight. Who knows?
But Biggles is perfect in every way. I was shocked when DH found photos of my other kids as newborns and Biggles is the spitting image of 3 out 4 of the kids. My 11 yr old has always looked like DH, right from birth, but all the others took on my genes. I must admit epigenetics is a wonderful thing. I don't understand it fully, probably never will, but it's either excellent matching on Penny's part or epigenetics has stepped in and I've turned off and on the cells that wouldn't have occurred if he had gone in another womb. It's truly amazing!!!
I feel cheated slightly. It feels wrong to say he was born,because in my mind he wasn't. I didn't get to the finishing line, he was removed from my body and then he was here. So he just arrived. Yes, my head is proper messed up. It isn't post natal depression at all, it's just the circumstances surrounding his "birth". It doesn't detract from how much I love him, how possessive I am over him π€£ how much I protect him, just took the shine off his arrival a little I think. But I am so proud of him.
He was weighed. He had only lost 3.3 % of his birthweight which is good for breast fed babies. Midwives start to get concerned at 10% or above, so it was good. He should start piling it on now he's on formula. I don't honestly care that much where the milk comes from as long as it comes from somewhere and he thrives. My eldest 2 were bottle fed and they were fine. 3rd was combi as he didn't like either particularly and was on solids (with HV recommendations at 4 months) he refused either of the milk. He's fine. My youngest was ebf for 4 months and combi until 6 months when my milk dried up and then formula and solids. He's fine. Biggles will be too, of that, I have no doubts. Just glad that option is there.
Prefolds and terries are going wellΒ he actually feels like he has a bottom. Disposables are just awful π hang off him. First time user of cloth and I really wish I had done it with the others, but you can't do anything if you don't know about them.
Right he's beginning to stir, so I need to get a bottle sorted. Shall pop back soon.
My head is in a really bad place, I broke down in front of the midwife due to the issues with prep in the theatre and she has ramped it up (with permission)with the advocate and she has taken it to her matron. The advocate is coming out to my home today to take notes and then I will be offered a debriefing with the hospital who will say it's all in my head and to get over it. Been there, done that.
So today/yesterday my nipples were.cracked, sore and bleeding. I had pain in my abdomen and generally feltΒ like a bag of cr@p. Putting Biggles on as absolute torture and I just thought I've had enough! Sent DH to the shop and bought formula. Fed Biggles formula and he didn't have another bottle for 4 hours. Breast was 1-2 hours. And it ws an absolute relief. So now, I have 3 days of engorgement which I shall take super duper pain killers (codydramol) And have either green cabbage leaves or cold compresses in my bra.
With everything going on physically and mentally, breastfeeding is a step too far. In the first few weeks it's a hard journey and you have to be physically and emotionally strong to get through some of the harder days. I'm not that person at the moment. It doesn't change the way I feel about Biggles,he is my absolute miracle and I love every inch of him. I just can't feed him naturally anymore.
I had to take the dressing off on day 5. We hadn't got a shower which helps so th went out and bought 1 that goes over the taps. It's fabulous! I was very frightened doing it and got him to stay in the room with me the whole time. Actually it came off easier than I expected under the shower head. I still had jelly legs and was trembling afterwards with shock I think. I wasn't cold. Because of my issues, th asked if he could drape my dressing gown round me as he knows, I don't want to be physically touched by anybody. He feels absolutely helpless and useless to help me. Can't comfort me because I don't want to be touched by him or anyone else. I'm okay with the kids obviously, they don't feel like a threat to me. Everyone else feels like a threat. Brain is in fight or flight mode and I've picked flight atm. Maybe I will get strong enough at some point to pick fight. Who knows?
But Biggles is perfect in every way. I was shocked when DH found photos of my other kids as newborns and Biggles is the spitting image of 3 out 4 of the kids. My 11 yr old has always looked like DH, right from birth, but all the others took on my genes. I must admit epigenetics is a wonderful thing. I don't understand it fully, probably never will, but it's either excellent matching on Penny's part or epigenetics has stepped in and I've turned off and on the cells that wouldn't have occurred if he had gone in another womb. It's truly amazing!!!
I feel cheated slightly. It feels wrong to say he was born,because in my mind he wasn't. I didn't get to the finishing line, he was removed from my body and then he was here. So he just arrived. Yes, my head is proper messed up. It isn't post natal depression at all, it's just the circumstances surrounding his "birth". It doesn't detract from how much I love him, how possessive I am over him π€£ how much I protect him, just took the shine off his arrival a little I think. But I am so proud of him.
He was weighed. He had only lost 3.3 % of his birthweight which is good for breast fed babies. Midwives start to get concerned at 10% or above, so it was good. He should start piling it on now he's on formula. I don't honestly care that much where the milk comes from as long as it comes from somewhere and he thrives. My eldest 2 were bottle fed and they were fine. 3rd was combi as he didn't like either particularly and was on solids (with HV recommendations at 4 months) he refused either of the milk. He's fine. My youngest was ebf for 4 months and combi until 6 months when my milk dried up and then formula and solids. He's fine. Biggles will be too, of that, I have no doubts. Just glad that option is there.
Prefolds and terries are going wellΒ he actually feels like he has a bottom. Disposables are just awful π hang off him. First time user of cloth and I really wish I had done it with the others, but you can't do anything if you don't know about them.
Right he's beginning to stir, so I need to get a bottle sorted. Shall pop back soon.