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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I am sooooo angry ^bigbad^. not sure if i need advice but just wondered how everyone else deals with dh on such issues. we have a close family friend who sits with the twins a couple of afternoons for us. she is great, young but very savvy and the kids love her. i trust her implicitly. however dh has emailed his sister (who already things im a bad mum and threatened when the twins were born that if they lost weight or her brother had to do too much she would have the social on me). we dont have any family live close so my friend is a god send. we pay her and now dh has found out if we use a registered childminder we can get the money back off the govt. my issue is i dont want the local reg childminder - i know her and she only does minding in her own home, i like my friend as she is here, i am too most of the time, doing jobs around the yard, and it is nice for the little ones to be here and me not have to really look after them if you know what i mean. to me the person is more important than the money, but he is all for the registered. in his email to his sister he asked how to go about registereing our friend and i had already told him it is not that simple - she needs to get exams etc. he also mentioned she is nice but not very pro active - i think he means doing the hoovering and washing up, i dont have her here for that - she tidies up the baby stuff and if i mention the washing and stuff she is happy to do it - even offers but i dont expect her to do it - i think he does.

so cross he has spoke to his sister - she wrote you are treading on thin ice using someone with no exmans and experience, you have tried so hard to get this far, should not be taking risks etc etc etc ^bigbad^ ^bigbad^ ^bigbad^

any tips on how to handle dh
 

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You know best what is right for your babies, you are their mother, and I completely agree that it is better to have them in your own home with someone you trust, rather than a stranger in hers (and this is coming from someone who used to be a registered childminder!!!!)

Besides - a reg childminder would need to get special dispensation to look after 2 babies under one, so tell Dh this, as OFSTED would not allow it under normal circumstances.......and it wouldn't just be your pair - she could have up to 4 other children under 8 running around too :eek:

 

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May i suggest that you do a pros and cons board. stick it up on the wall and have a think about it one weekend whilst you have some time together and make the decision together.  And you both have to think of two pros and two cons for each option - Friend in own home versus child minder in hers. And take a third alternative (nursery) to help diffuse the matter and give you some common ground to work on. Discount the money at this stage - important lesson i learnt in business - make your decisions based on the answer you want and then work out which you can afford.

Start with a number of priority objectives: what are the things that you both want your children to have/enjoy in the early years of their life (and what do you both want to enjoy as part of your lives as parents): things you liked as children/hated - promised that it would never happen to your children etc. This is common ground and will help you understand where each of you is coming from. Dont rise to any comments like "my sister said" instead ask "shall i write that down as one of your "must-haves" then?

Then both go through all the alternatives looking for at least two pros and con each for each.  ie Pro - of your friend - she is willing to work in our house. con - if our friendship breaksdown for some reason, will i suddenly lose childcare? if he refuses to come with a pro - then just end the conversation and make a cup of tea - do something else - dont get into an argument about it - its just distraction.

Then both work through which "cons" can be overcome ie "friend becomes employee and has contract that protects her and us" or "find childminder who only wants to take two/four children" etc.

When you find things that you dont know the answer to (or you disagree "we'll never find a child minder who will only take four children and do our washing for us"!!!) - set each other the task of finding out the answer - so get DH to find out about contracts for nannies (all will preclude any kind of domestic duties by the way), you check out the costs of the Surestart scheme and how it works (either way you will have to pay the £100), whilst you both visit the childminder and ask her some (agreed beforehand) questions. Why? because you might find out that the arguments change with a little bit of first hand experience..

Go to the childminders some time in mid-afternoon - asking when tea is first and arrange the meeting for just before hand - the kids will be fractious and loud and your hubby will vow never to let his children near the place again (how manipulative am I???).  But remember to come out saying "well, that wasnt so bad was it?"

Then reconvene (hiding the bit of paper during the week!!) and look again at your list of pros and cons. Now, in theory a better understanding of what you are looking for together will give both of you the amunition to withstand his sister's words, a common respect for each others motives and a decision that whilst it may be a bit of a compromise in some respects - will be one that you can "suck and see" and then change if you need to later on without having a "i told you so" conversation!

From the school of dealing with a passive agressive DH with a mum who has an opinion on everything (similar to a sister but older, uglier and even more d**ned intrusive)

Abby




 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
WOW abby thanks so much for that - you shoudl work for ACAS, or the government - no your talents would be wasted.
thanks to the others too - hope to have a chat with dh tonight
 
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