Great idea hun. I guess this is going to be the best place for me to post from now on! It's good to have somewhere to talk. Think my friends and family are sick of listening to me! More to the point they don't understand. Take care hun.
Hi Gayn - as always your words and wisdom make so much sense..David had his 12th Birthday the other day and it was a sort of milestone..11 years of ttc 2nd child...no more now...Time to live life and enjoy what we have now !!!!!..
Loving this thread! Just thought I would pop in to say hello to my lovely ladies ! Not sure if I am quite here yet...
At the moment, the thought of more treatment is worse than the thought of no treatment...but everyone keeps telling me it's too soon to decide, and their probably right. So I'll just keep plodding for now.
I think it would give me great comfort to understand what you ladies think about the pros and cons of our 'only children.' The 'only child' seems to have quite a stigma attatched to it, and I for one would like to know how true this is, or how much bo**ocks it is?
I seem to have built it up in my little head to being something terrible, when in fact, maybe it's not all bad. It wasn't what I'd hoped for, but maybe it's not so terrible having no siblings, maybe it's just different?
I hope you don't mind me being here, I feel like I need to have a foot in both camps at the mo (secondary and here,) but this could well help me in making my decision as to whether enough is enough. I promise I won't drink all the tea!
Hi Pand and Lollipop
Pand, you are more than welcome to post wherever you want hunni I still read the 2ndry thread and try and keep up with people's news but feel this is the best place for me to post now as I have moved on. I think I'll always have this deep sense of sadness of what could have been but am doing my best to move on and live a happy life.
Some days it's easier than others and it doesn't phase me to see pg women or babies, but tbh toddlers are my weakness as, hard/tiring as life is sometimes with a boisterous toddler, it is my ds' toddler years that I have some of the fondest memories. Seeing them struggle to complete a jigsaw puzzle (and the hilarious frustration and tantrums that accompany it) or seeing them climb a slide for the first time without your assistance and you wait patiently at the bottom of the steps in case they fall and then wait to catch them, and that sense of pride on their little faces...I really miss those times...
Toddlerhood is full of milestones (and tantrums) but it is such fun seeing them blossom isn't it
I don't tend to go as ga-ga over babies anymore, and that's not meant to sound like I have manifested into some bitter, baron old trout but I don't get as upset or sad when I see them now I suppose it stems from the fact I know I won't be holding my own baby in my arms again so I have sort of "shut off" that aspect of my maternal instinct? Does anyone else feel like that?
Mind you, I know once my nephew/niece is born that it is going to be really hard I guess because it is so close to home Part of me wants my sil to have this baby now so I can have a cry and stamp my feet and get it over with...part of me is dreading the phone call
I've decided I won't be going to the hospital to see her and the baby (I didn't when she had my neice) as I do think that will be so hard to deal with...being in a maternity ward...and I know I would end up in tears as your own memories flood back don't they...
Lollipop you are so right in describing your feelings on your ds' birthday Another year older for them...but sadly another reminder of how long you've been ttc# 2 It's always a time for mixed emtions hunni, and I so know where you're coming from
I used to say "next year we'll have another child of our own at his party" or "next year we'll be planning 2 birthday parties"...and it hits you at Christmas wrapping just one child's presents...and so it goes on...
Pand, it is a very interesting issue you mentioned on what it means to have just the one child...and something which has tormented me (if I'm honest) for years...
I think as both dh and I have a lot of siblings (I have 3 brothers, he had 2 sisters and 2 brothers) we do tend to compare our own feelings, and childhood to that of our child don't we
I agree that there is still this stigma associated with having an only child, that people assume they will inevitably be some kind of spoiled brat, and that we as parents are wrong for not having a sibling for them, and that makes me both sad and angry.
Tbh it was a lot harder for me (as a mum) having just the one child when my ds was a lot younger. Toddler friends announcing the arrival of their sibling used to upset me terribly, and my ds
I personally felt more and more excluded and alienated from the mothers too if I'm honest, as they all went on to have more children...and I hated that feeling
I think we are far too hard on ourselves with our only children as they can grow up into the most amazing people They will undoubtedly benefit from having had all of our love, devotion and attention and make super, special adults...I think we need to keep hold of that...and look forward to our beautiful grandchildren they give us (That is not meant to depress anyone btw!)
As Lollipop said (so perfectly!) it is time to live life and enjoy what we have now
Sending you all huge it's so nice to chat to you, I know it's hard at times...but remember we're all treading the same (sometimes shaky path) so we're not far away when one of us needs a hug
Cinders I hope you dont mind me popping on with a few words hun,
I am an Only child, after my Mums Endo resulted in her having a hysterctomy when I was about 7, apparently the fact she concived me was a "miracle" I did struggle when I was younger asking mum all the time for a sibling, but with the hindsight and age being an only child has been a Godsend!
I wasnt "spolit" but obviously with one child to buy for the money avalible was used on me only - not shared between 2 or 3 of us if that makes sense,
I was brought up with other children as mum was a childminder and so I had to learn to Share
and Personally feel being an only child till the ripe age of 17
(my Dad re married and had 2 boys) did me no harm at all.
I personally don't mind at all you popping in
I think you are a shining example of how an only child can become a wonderful, loving, caring adult
I think the hardest thing for those of us who have had siblings, and then gone on to have only one child is that we can only see life (and that of our child's) from our own perspective
I adore all 3 of my brothers, but there were times when we could have knocked each other's heads off
I am extremely close to my baby bro as I was going on 6 yrs when he was born, and I LOVED helping my mum with him. My middle bro was a different story...I had an operation and had been in hospital over a week, and 2 weeks after I came home he was born and I was furious! I was 3 yrs old and quite liked being the baby of the family and recall being most upset when I heard he wasn't visiting but was here to stay I love him dearly, but I am closer to my other 2 brothers slightly more than him. My eldest bro was my hero, taught me to ride my bike, tie my laces and pick my nose so we have always been close, and like I say I mothered my baby bro SO much (and still do when he lets me)
I can't imagine being an only child as I have some terrific memories of my childhood, so many laughs (and fisty-cuffs)...so it is hard for me to imagine how my ds' life is...
I do know how heartbreaking it is to have heard and seen my ds extremely upset at times, and how he has cried himself to sleep because he wanted a little brother or sister like his friends had and this compounds the immense feelings of failure I wrestled with as his mummy, I felt like I had let him down and that crushes you beyond words
I know he would have been a fantastic brother, he's great with my 8 yr old nephew and 3 yrs old neice, and is even looking forward to the new arrival. He is quite insightful where children are concerned and he enjoys a very close relationship with his 2 cousins, which is lovely. He has patience and understanding with them both, and apart from changing nappies, has always been involved. They both look up to him which I think is lovely for him, and my neice especially idolises him and always makes a bee-line for him when we see her.
As many of the girls have said, all we can do is make their childhoods as fun filled and loving as we possibly can.
My ds never had any problems in making or keeping friends (which was my biggest fear), and he has always been very outgoing and sociable, but then these skills are passed on from you, as a parent aren't they...and siblings merely add another facet to their lives with regard to the pecking order in the family...well...I think so...
My ds gets all he needs from his mates, and tbh a handful of his mates he's known since he was a baby spend as much time at my house as they do at theirs, so in some ways he or I haven't lost out at all have we
I LOVE it when "the lads" come over (eat me out of house of home mind you!) and it's been fantastic watching them all grow up I'm really close to a couple of them and treat them like my own anyway, as do their mums to my ds, so in a weird kind of way I feel like I have 4 boys anyway
I've spoken to my ds about his feelings on this several times and apart from when he was very young, he is absolutely fine with this life. He does agree it would have been nice to have had a sibling but then I suspect he rather enjoys all of the love and attention he gets, despite him being a teenager I still get hugs and kisses from him...and nowadays it is the most MAHUSIVE of hugs as he towers above me and nothing can beat that feeling (except if maybe he was to lose his aversion to keeping his bedroom tidy and remembering to put his dirty laundry in the laundry bin!)
Ta Gayn - I think getting your feelings down like this is very cathcatori you know the word, threaputic!
I also think there was a thread on the relationships board about Only children, and the feelings it stirs for you as parents
I have been reading these threads for a while. I find it very sad that so many mums feel so negatively about having only children. I am very close to my 2 sisters (one of them was my egg donor) and would have loved Lizzie to have a brother or sister, but it is not to be, and we have to live with that.
I guess that part of it comes from the fact that we haven't chosen for things to be this way. We all grew up with ideas of how we thought our families would be - I remember that when I was 10 I told my Mum that I wanted 6 children, or at least 4 - and things didn't turn out the way we wanted.
I imagine that most only children must wonder what it would be like to have siblings and wish they had some. That is perfectly natural. But we as parents mustn't feel guilty that we haven't been able to do that for them, if that is not our choice. Life doesn't always give us what we want but we have to make the best of what we have.
In my last job, several of my colleagues only had one child. I don't think any of them had made a conscious choice to have just the one, but that is how it worked out for them. There is this textbook image of the 2-parent, 20-child family, but when you look around, a lot of people don't fall into that category. Perhaps one-child families need a higher profile, so we don't feel like we are somehow a deviation from the norm, and those who only have the one child because of circumstances beyond their control need not feel inadequate or guilty because of it.
Families now come in all shapes and sizes. Our family is small but perfectly formed. I want more but can't have them. Other than that things are going great for us. I feel very lucky.
One friend did once ask if I wanted a "normal" family (she was then expecting her second). I haven't seen her since. The implication being that mine is abnormal made me But thats not everyone and I'm sure she didn't really mean to hurt me (although she did).
Just a quicky as is late & I definitely need some beauty sleep, the more the better!
Anyway, some lovely reading from you guys!
Thank's for popping in Dizzi with your positive view of being an only child.
Essex girl, I agree, I think single child families do need a higher profile. Unfortunately I don't have one friend with only one child, I mix among the 'very fertiles' and they all have 2-3 children! I wish I was surrounded by more single child families, I think this might help us as a family.
Spjulac, you are right families do come in all shapes and sizes. I was brought up in a single parent family, I have an older brother. My counsellor has pointed out some interesting facts after much talk about my childhood. I don't feel secure in a family of three, this stems from childhood, and is perhaps one of the reasons why I am struggling so hard to accept that I won't have another child. Also, I couldn't wait to 'get away' make a life for myself, and 'right all the wrongs' from my childhood. So far I have succeeded, good job, lovely friends, great relationship, nice home, beautiful dd, and...just need another baby, then can paint my picket fence white and live happily ever after!!! But life ain't like that, clearly!! But why is it like that for other people? OOh, 'scuse me, it was the green eyed monster rearing it's ugly head! It does that from time to time, only with regards to IF though!
Gayn, you write so eloquently, the trials and tribulations of the journey that you have made as a family. I always find you so comforting, knowing that you have got through, and that ds is ok. In fact he's more than ok! Ds sounds like such a mature, sociable, likeable young man! Thankyou for sharing .
I'm very tired, and can't think straight,will post again when I have a clearer head!
Hello, I am not quite here yet, but nice to see an only child section as this is a unique section. I feel that society expects everyone to have 2 children, and unfortunately the media still use this concept. Most ads with families have the older boy and younger sister and mum and dad, but for many of this, that is not real life. FF is the only place that makes me feel good about my situation. I have looked up only child websites and they have been self help therapy sites for mature adults who feel everything that has gone wrong in life is due to being an only child! I am so angered by this. Iactually emailed the owner of one sight and told them how negative their site is an how determined it has made me todo DEIVF until it works!!
I have a dd who is 3. She has no cousins, she is the onlychild in my family apart from my cousins kids who live over in germany and are 14 and 17. I am undertaking IVF with own eggs at the moment, my last chance, hopefully togive me answers and maybe closure. After that we want to do DEIVF and have spent a lot of time researching and talking. I will drop in from time to time.
Essex girl you really have a way with words...its little clips like that, that I think about when Im feeling sad and it brings me back up again..slowly but surely...
anyway the house has had a few viewings..just waiting for offers now... ...removals booked and dogs are booked ( we just need to re home the budgies and the guniea pigs and the tortoises oh dear not looking forward to that bit ) anyway will keep you all posted...
Thank God for this site and all my ff...this whole new process is hard at times as you all know just want to say thanks for being there girlies...take extra special care...xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
this is an old thread so i don't know if anyone will read this but it seems quite apt for me so i will type away. the adverts on tv drive me crazy as they always depict a family of 2 or three children. the Mail had an article recently, large two page job, written by a journo' who had lots of children - he was very pro large families and went on and on about how much better it is for the children if they grow up with loads of siblings ie more intelligent, etc - i wanted to SCREAM at him, for lors sake, not all of us are blessed with his wife's fertility. whilst it probablly dropped into her lap we on the other hand have to work mighty hard at it and more than likely still won't get what we want at the end. i recently attended a group councelling session at my acupuncture centre but decided not to go to another as i was the only one there with secondary infertility and felt awkward. listening to their stories made me very sad, i felt guilty when it was my turn to stand up and tell of my story, felt quite stupid really even though my pain is real to me. i turn 44 in december and know i will never have the second child i so long for; the thought of never meeting the other child and being able to put the face to the child i dream about it heartbreaking and i am emotionally having a hard time coming to terms with this. dh is 6 years younger than me and so his friends are at the stage of having babies including his sister so it is all around me although in saying that, alot of the girls i know my age and OLDER have had babies around me, naturally too and without barely trying so it had highlighted my predicament all the more. i cherish my dd more than i can find any words to express, i hate it when women ripe and fertile tell me ' at least you have one', they have no idea how it feels to pine for something they gave little thought in creating. mert is a darling and never asks for a sibling, infact she likes being on her own but it did sadden me recently when she commented upon my asking that the reason she never played with a particular toy was because she didn't have anyone to play it with, crushing words really, i felt so sorry for her.
on a different note, i am worried about my periods as they are quite erratic the last couple of months, come on time but go on for about a week, this months even stopped for a day and then started again even though very little blood but blood all the same - i am thinking that possibly it is my age and i may have a meno' early? i feel very hormonal and depressed. my af's have always been so normal but this months is trickling on and on (nearly 9 days) - should i worry? hugs n all jox
I am not sure who else is reading, but just wanted to send you a big cyber
Your DD will be fine when shes older, there are a few things that she will miss out on but on the whole only children are more confident & sociable, and never suffer from sibling rivalry!!
As to your periods stress & upset can affect them, the Gp can do some bloods to see what your FSH is and if its 30+ they will repeat it a monhth later, periods however need to be AWOL for a year to be classed as menopausal ( I think!)
Hope some of the other ladies reply too, wishing you lots of happiness with your DD & DH
Hello kelway , big hugs to you honey, why dont you pop over to the moving on re: new board, there is a lot of us post there with an only child, hope we can all get through this together, look forward to hearing from you
Hi Girls- its been very uplifting for me reading these wonderful posts, you are all so right about how people think you should have more than one child. I have a DD who is 2 and concieved on clomid she was a wonderful miricle.
we had been trying for our second when she was 6mths, the clomid failed i was diagonsed with early menopause(i was so shocked i felt sick)
Just got back from tx and had first IVF DE and i have had BFN
That was our last chance with tx. My head is just so mixed up at the moment i feel empty. Like you know everyone is having there 2nd & 3rd.
I just keep moving myself away from these families, maybe i will over come this one day.All you seem to get of your friends when you having another one. Thankyou for letting me have this moan. im having a real bad day.
Said I would drop by from time to time. As you can see from my post, I am now awaiting deivf. I feel a lot better now i can forget about my fsh and ovarian failure.
Sharon - I am so sorry to hear about your deivf. I am sending you a big hug. I am sorry if you are not able to try again. It is not fair that deivf isnt 100% guaranteed. I am sorry to say this but I blame my accelerated pof on clomid. I was on it for 6 months and my fsh went from 10 (they should have given me ivf straight away) to 20 in 6 months!! I did not exactly hang around after dd born, was trying within 12 months and I had had a c section. POF sucks especially when there is no warning or family history. I thought 2 years ago at 35 I could fit another one in. anyway, i am trying to be positive about deivf in Spain.
I am also moving on and getting used to life as a family of 3. I actually sold all my dds babystuff as i felt it was holding me back. I am devising copingstrategies all the time too and feelingbetter about only children.
Don't know if I'm doing this right as I'm just new. I am 37, going on 38 and have a 4 year old son. I am desperate to have another child, as much for my son as for myself. I have just recently gone through ICSI, which failed. Is it so wrong to feel upset and sick when I encounter new babies and pregnant women. My family and my husband's family (who all are very fertile and have had 2-3 children very quickly) don't understand I can't see the new baby in the family as I just want to burst into tears. People just expect you to pull yourself together as you already have a child but I am struggling to do this. I take it after reading these e-mails that I am not the only person in the world to feel this way, which makes me feels a bit reassured. I just want to show all these people these e-mails, so they realise this is not unreasonable behaviour. The other thing is I have a 42 year old sister who has been through ICSI 3 times and failed. She just seems to be able to get on with things, so I won't be getting any support there, especially as I already have a child and she doesn't.
Well thanks for listening to my rant. Sorry it does seem as if I'm just full of self-pity and need to get a grip!
hi elaine112, i know how you feel. i am quite a bit older than you and have been ttc No. 2 for so many years now (4) that i react with immediate anger towards anyone who critises me; i am quite outspoken naturally to be honest and in an evil way get a kick out of making these people feel awkward. i just say quite simply the following ' how many children did you want' and they will say. then i say 'how many children do you have' and they will inevitably say the amount that they have. at that point i simply say you have NO idea how i feel and could only if you had not gone on to have blah blah children. voila. simple and to the point and it makes me feel better, and embarasses them. i am sick of being told how i should or shouldn't be feeling by well meaning women who have absoluately no compehension of secondary infertility. ask them of the joy they get from their 2nd child and then to imagine if that child had never existed, that shuts them up. i have all but given up now, i turn 44 in a couple of weeks, although my heart hasn't given up but i am resigned to the fact i will never know my other child that will never be born, just a faceless day dream in my mind, very sad really. i do feel sorry for your sister, unlike us, she does not know the joy and love being a mother to a child. our pain is different but still tough. i wish you all the best. don't give up, i still think you are nice and young!! jox