[Laine]

Our hope of conceiving our baby with the help of treatment has come to an end. Pregnancy has eluded us. We have spent 13 years trying to conceive and after numerous investigations, IUI/Clomid, we have decided to stop.

Justin wants children but is happy to accept life without them. He tells me that he loves me no matter what and is happy for it to be the two of us together.

For me it is not as straight forward. My life seems to have happened without me noticing it. I thought I was in control of everything, but now I realise that I am not and I wasn’t. Having a child is one area of my life that I haven’t been able to control. No matter how hard I have tried or what I have done, I have not been able to make this happen. The fact that our infertility is un-explained has made it even more difficult.

It just does not feel real. What I mean is that I cannot get it into my head that I may never be a mum. I just don’t feel like I am 40 years old and can’t imagine that time is against me more now than ever before.

Although we are stepping off the if roller coaster, I will never give up hoping that one day we conceive naturally.

I have reached breaking point. I am so mentally and physically exhausted by it all, by the failure, by the treatment, by the counting, checking and hoping. I have decided it is now time to just let go. I have thought about this for some time and during the last month in particular it has been constantly on my mind. My emotions have been all over the place. I have felt scared about taking such a hard decision. I am sure the relief of taking it will come soon. At the moment, there are feelings of intense sadness and deep hurt in me and I have been crying so much.

The unfulfilled longing for a child has provoked some of the strongest and most intense emotions there are, feelings of loss or bereavement. However, unlike bereavement, there is not a recognised mourning period, no beginning, no end and a world that will forget because it cannot see.

There comes a point where you have to put all your hope and faith into the rest of your life. I have decided that I have a choice and I choose life.

Something good to have come from this is the wonderful, kind and supportive people I have met through Fertility Friends. You are all stars.

 

[jan welshy]

Laine I am sooo sorry to here this. you and Dh take some time together. you have been such a support for me throughout my tx. Take care love.
Love
Welshy and gangXXXXXX

 

[Candy]

Laine, you have been amazing, unwavering in your support to each and everyone of us and if anyone deserved to be a mum, its you.... I do believe in miracles and I pray to god that yours comes true naturally.

This must have been a very hard and heart renching decision to come to, i hope we can now support you as you come to terms with things, I guess you may feel differently in a few weeks or months, who knows what tommorow brings... but I think you are right to step off the rollercoaster to put your feet back on the ground and decide what direction you are going to take next, if you stick to the decision you have come to, we are here for you and i for one wish you every future happiness, we all love you very much

Candy x

 

[Lilly]

hi laine

i am so sorry to read your post hun you are always here for us and we are here for you know hun when you need us most sending you a big i wsih i was there to give you a in person thinking of you hun

love always lilly xx

 

[Mummytoone]

Laine

As the others have already said, I am so sorry it has come to this.

You have always proved to be a tower of support to all of us here. You dont deserve this.

Please hold on to the dream that you may become a mummy as being unexplained can always mean that it just might happen one day. Try and remember this Laine.

You know Im sure that we are always here for you when you need us.

Thinking of you

Lou xxx

 

[LB]

Hi Laine

Hugs to you sweetheart.

I am with Lou on this one though - as IF is unexplained i am going to keep praying that you now get a natural miracle.

Thanks for all your support and i hope you stick with us - you have made a very brave decision and sometimes the time out does the world of good

take care Laine and don't stay away from us for too long

sending much luv
LB
X

 

[tjmac]

Laine,have posted on the rainbow thread but just wanted to say I am so sorry. I really hope that somehow you get that miracle, you truly deserve it !!
Lots of love Tj x x x

 

[Gwyn]

Dearest laine,

I am sitting here with tears in my eyes for you. I know what you mean, though mine is secondary infertility, I have come to the same conculsion after trying 11 years without success and heartbreak through drs and treatments.

I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your kind and caring support over the time I have been on FF.

I am trying to wean myself off here but still keep coming back to check up on people every now and then.
Today was one of them and I am glad that I have got the chance to say a big thank you.

I hope that one day very soon that dream is yours. You deserve it so much.

Take care of yourself always.
Loadsa love
Gwynx

 

[Sue MJ]

Laine,

So sorry you've hit the end of the road with the IF rollercoaster.

I really hope that being 'unexplained' does manage to bring you a real miracle one day and hopeful without too much more hanging around.

Please don't ever lose hope.

Love,

Sue xxx

 

[Jayne]

Dear Laine

I'm so very sorry that you are at this point of making such a painful and heartbreaking decision. I hope the 'relief' that you describe does indeed come to you soon, but above all, I hope that you do get your little miracle one day

Love

Jayne x

 

[CazWhack]

Dear Laine,

I just wanted to echo everyone else's words, especially Candy's, you have been such a support to all of us and if anyone deserves to be a mum it is you. I will pray for your miracle.

Take care of yourself and dh.

Luv Caz xxx

 

[LizzyB]

Oh Laine...i'm so sorry to hear this, more than anything i wanted this cycle to work and i'm so gutted for you. I wish i could make it better......i wish you your miracle, not least because you deserve it so much, but most of all i wish you happiness whatever the future holds for you. You face it so bravely Laine and yet this must be such a hard decision. I will always hope your dreams come true.....

You have such a good heart.......be happy hun,

With much love for you and Justin,

Lizzy xxx

 

[sparkle]

Hi Laine,

Already posted on clomid thread for you before i came on here.
I just want to say how sorry i am for you and justin, i hope that one day your little miracle will arrive, wishing you all the luck in the world for the future.

Take care love Alison D xxx

 

[Monica]

Laine -

I've just read your message, and I feel so sad for you. I haven't been posting on FF for very long, but I have noticed that you above anybody else have been so lovely and supportive for all the other girls here.

From the bottom of my heart I wish you all the best for the future, whatever it may bring. You have a rock in Justin. Look after each other.

Monica xx

 

[Pilchardcat]

Dear Laine

Thinking of you....with love

Amanda xxx

 

[Fee]

Dear Laine

My heart aches for you xx
As everyone else has said, you have been a great source of strength, support and encouragement to all of us on FF. Always positive for others.
I know too how you have battled with dp, and yet have never given up and crawled into a corner wallowing in self-pity - I so admire you for that when I compare it to my own reactions.
You have made one of the most difficult decisions there is - but you are not ruling out hope - which is fantastic.
I really hope you and Justin have some wonderful times ahead, just concentrating for now on the two of you - but as myMum said to me "somewhere there is a child who needs you - you need to discover where s/he is". That could be to parent, or as a special friend to children, but you have so much to give, Laine, I know that you will reach that happy place you long for

Heaps oflove

Fee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[ju]

Laine,

I think youve summed it all up and i hope that by writing what you have it will help you , you have great strenght of character and courage , youve spent so much time helping others like myself to get through the start of what could be a long journey...

Its strange too that ive heard some many of my friends say that once their friends have giving up trying conception happens....so who knows Laine, i hope this for you too

My thoughts and prayers are with you in this difficult time...

I shall miss you , you have lots of heartfelt messages here which i know you will no doubt print off and read when you have tough times ahead.....

i know from what ive read you have a wonderfull dp which is great...

I wish you all the luck in the world

Who is gonna do our fairies?? who is gonna start the threads??

missing you already

Lots of lv n hugs

Ju x x

 

[KarenM]

Laine

I'm sorry to hear that you are getting off of the roller coaster. You have been a great source of strength for a number of people on here, please don't become a stranger.

I hope that once you have had time to accept your new path, whatever that may be that you will find the strength to come back on here.

Take care, thinking of you both

Love
Karen x

 

[Dee]

Dear Laine

I am sorry that the witch turned up again and ruined your dreams. I am so so sorry that this has made you make the decision to get off the rollercoaster of treatment to help you achieve your dream.

"Unexplained" is a horrible label to be branded with .. it's cruel and unfair in that it gives us no answers yet leaves us with some hope. Sometimes I feel that "unexplained hope" can be harder to deal with than having no hope at all. (I hope that makes sense).

I hope that you and Justin can put your dream to bed .... that you can build a happy and fufilling future for the two of you.
And I secretly hope, that when the "unexplained hope" you are left with ceases to be the first thing you think about in the morning and the last thing you think of at night .... just as you are building your future .... that then a real true miracle happens, your hope turns to reality and your reality to a dream coming true.

With much love and heaps of hugs
Dee
xxx

 

[Lois]

Dear Laine

Just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you very much at this difficult time..

I haven't spoken to you .......but you have always sent me messages of support when I've really need them & I hope you can take some comfort in knowing that you have helped other people so much by being a true fertility friend.

I wish you peace & that taking a different approach will become meaningful.

Lots of Love & Hugs

Loisxxx