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Hi Morgana,

You are a very brave and unselfish lady, and I could feel the efforts you put in to make things work coming through very strongly in your post.  It shows the other dimension to adoption that is not always highlighted on these boards and how difficult it is emotionally every day.

I am so happy to read that you were able to finalise the adoption with your youngest daughter again this is another part of adoption that isnt automatic and not always straightforward. 

I wish you and your family all the very best.  You did what we all strive to do put the needs of your children before yourself and your feelings.

Take care

Dawny

xxx
 

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Morgana

Big hugs to you all.  I echo what others have said.  You are fantastic people and would have made a positive difference to Dancer.  Smiler sounds an absolute delight and I am sure she will go from strength to strength and make you very proud (which she probably already does).  

Sanita - Thinking of you also.

Tracey x
 

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Morgana

Just wanted to send a hug of support.  ^hugme^
Thank you for sharing your story, it must be so difficult.

It sounds like you and DH made the right decision for both children. And I hope your family can build on the strength and love that you clearly have.

Lots of love and best wishes

Everhopeful & family xx
 

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morgana
i too want to say thank you for sharing your story - my heart goes out to you and your dh in what must have been a terrible and devastating turn of events. But as the others have all said, you are in NO WAY a failure - you have acted in the very best interests of both Smiler and Dancer- and i do agree with the others that it sounds like this decision will enable them both to move forward and develop better on their own. One of the SW's on our prep course had highlighted this issue of children being placed together not necessarily being the best thing for them - and i was surprised to hear that at the time- as i had been lead to believe that this was the only and indeed the best thing for sibling groups. But I have since been reading up on it and thinking about it, and can really see how it's not necessarily the 'right' thing at all. And that every family is different and has totally different needs, and that some children simply need to be the only child in a family. I can only offer my support and echo what the others have said about your unselfishness and compassion for your daughters.

^hugme^ also to sanita and brownowl. also, suzie - as a specialist/theraputic foster carer I can only be impressed and encouraged by the work that you are doing...

Very Best wishes
Cam xx

 

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Dear Morgana

I'm so sorry to hear your news.  It must have been so difficult for all of you and you must have had such a terrible, stressful time.  But it sounds like you have reached the right outcome, and I have nothing but admiration for your courage and strength in dealing with such an impossible situation. 

Sanita - i'm really sorry you are having such a difficult time too, and I do hope you get all the support you definitely deserve from SS.  Adoption can be so hard when children come to us with such damaging histories and so support is so essential - really hope the therapy helps. 

Thinking of you both

Lol
Fxx   
 

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Hi Morgana,
we haven't spoken before, but I've just read your post and had to reply.
Thankyou for sharing your story, it was obviously very diffficult to write, but it comes across loud and clear that you obviously have been through really tough times with Smiler and Dancer and your love for both girls shines through totally. I am sure that you have done what is right for both girls to ensure that they both continue to flourish ........no-one could have done more,
just wanted to send you a huge  ^hugme^
take extra special care of your precious family,
love
Deborah
xxx
 

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Hi Morgana, it was so sad to read your post but I salute you for being so brave and honest.  You have done the best thing for your family and that includes Dancer.  I hope she continues to get the support that she needs and that you and your DH and Smiler can continue to build on the foundations that you have set for your family.  I remember the joy of your post when you brought your daughters home and I can guess the pain you felt when you realised things were not working out as they should.  I agree with Sanita you should give yourselves a huge pat on the back for resolving this problem in the best way possible.

You are right these children are not to blame, they are victims of trauma and unfortunately we are often the ones who have to pick up the pieces.  My children are not birth siblings but I do sometimes worry about the affect on DD from DS's attachment issues.  We are lucky because he is still young and unlike Sanita we have received and continue to receive support ever since we asked for help.  He has already shown some progress and hopefully we can continue to build on this.  Part of me feels that it would have been better for him if we had not adopted another child and had given him our 100% attention but I must admit I needed a second child from a selfish point of view as all I often got from him was rejection.  Having our DD has shown us what life as a parent should really be like and thankfully we are getting glimmers of that from our DS.  From the books I have read and other people I have spoken to I think a lot of this attachment theory is new to the SW's and they are themselves not always fully aware of the implications of trauma in even the youngest of children.  Also the worst deeds can be done out of the best of intentions and in yours and Sanita's case I think trying to keep the siblings together has obviously caused more trauma.  In my case, although my DS was taken into care at 3 months they felt they needed to give BM a chance and for the next 10 months they continued to drag him hundreds of miles three times a fortnight to see his BM.  No wonder he ended up confused and disturbed.  Yet, although I can appreciate the implications of that now neither his SW nor our SW pointed out the possible affects this type of contact may have had on him when we were given his Form E.

Again I wish you and your family the best for the future.

love
Cindy

 

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Morgana - what can I say.  Your story is extremely sad but positive at the same time.  I think you have acted in a perfect, very mature manner regarding your children and you have my utmost respect and admiration.  You are a role model to us all in the event of finding ourselves in the same situation.  I am very sorry to learn that ss were no help in the main.  Huge  ^hugme^ to you and dh for all the pain you have suffered and well done for sharing your painful story with us all.
 

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Discussion Starter · #29 ·
So, a twist of fate with a random message brought me back to this site after many years.....I decided to post an update- just in case any one was wondering. My beautiful smiler is nearly 18, life has been challenging... attachment disorder, anger issues, struggled with education, self harm- but we have had her back the whole way, and now she is has left school with several Nat 4 +5 qualifications and recently started working as a care assistant- care of the elderly/ dementia patients- and she is sooooo patient, caring and kind, and considering doing an access course to do her nursing (No.. I didn't nudge her into health care but as a specialist nurse practitioner my heart is bursting with pride). I developed a chronic illness a few years ago, and she is so supportive towards me... my wee super star. She's learning to drive ( and totally thriving)- she doesn't know it yet but we've bought her a wee run-around car for her 18th ( mostly so I don't have to keep running her to work a 6.30🤣🤣). She is my heart, my reason for fighting my illness and I have such hopes for her future.... she is becoming a wonderful young woman, who inspires me, and is using her challenging life journey to make life better for others xxx

And Dancer... my beautiful Dancer, who was amputated from me because social services did not deem me worthy of updates, despite me being her mother for several months....well, thankfully social media is a blessing.. I found her, and have watched respectfully for last few years.... she is mid 20s now, doing very well, dis-associated herself from her birth family, and her life is very positive... I watch from the side line.. I glow with pride for her achievements. I have left a letter from many years ago, which I updated a couple of years ago, to remind her how much she was loved, wanted and respected, and how my heart broke when she moved on, but I knew she needed that to be the best version of herself that she could be. I make no claim... but if she ever wants contact with me or her sister then she is so very welcome. All I ever wanted for her was happiness, security and love.

And what I never shared before- I was an adopted child- at age 7.... adoption is not for the faint hearted... but families are made with love. I am so blessed,an amazing husband, a beautiful daughter, and a most exceptional almost daughter.

After my Dancer moved back into foster care I wrote a poem... this is how it starts and it still stands true.....
Daughter of mine, who is not mine, who is not and never will be, I think about you often- do you ever think of me
Daughter of mine, who is not mine, in my heart you always shall be, my heart is yours forever, my child you always will be xxxx
 

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Wow what a fantastic update.
I remember reading your story some years ago.
Congratulations on 2 exceptional young ladies
Kjxx
 
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