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Hi,

I just wanted to say hello. It's been a relief to find this site and other women in the same situation as me! I'm nearly 37 and newly single ( split up due to the baby issue unfortunately). But I've realised I can't just wait around if I want this to happen. I'm at very very early stages i.e. just thinking about it as a possibility. Not sure what the next step is - appointment with a clinic? I'm not 100% convinced yet - got so many questions - mainly how will a child feel knowing he's been conceived this way? Will he be embarrassed, will I be embarrassed? What if we get to meet the donor/father 18 years later ( I think that's what can happen now?) and he's a real weirdo? What would it feel like to have a stranger's baby growing inside you? What sort of men donate? I know some of these questions are a bit shallow but I can't help thinking them and haven't seen them discussed anywhere else. I really want to be a mother though and think this is the way for me.

I'm in central London area so any tips or advice on clinics would be gratefully received.
Good luck to everyone!  :)
 

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JCJ1

Welcome  :) :)

You are asking yourself all the same questions we did/and still do on here  :-\. I hope you find it helpful on here and very supportive.

I'm glad you found us  ;)

Love

Emma xx
 

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Welcome JCJ1 - lovely to see lots of new members at the moment! This website is brilliant - it has helped me in so many ways with the difficult journey that I and many others are going through at the moment. I hope that you find it as useful as I have,

Katiexxx
 

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JCJ1, just wanted to say hello and welcome!! I am fairly new here myself and can say that you will find the most amazing and supportive women on here  :)

Good luck with whichever route you decide to take.

Lou-Ann x
 

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Hi JCJ1,

A very warm welcome to the site and especially to the single girls board.....it's an absolute goldmine of advice and support here....

As a start point I'd recommend you read one or two of the books on this topic - really helps to get your head round some of the questions you are asking (which are quite normal - we've all been there...)

A couple of good ones are by Jane Mattes "Single Mothers by Choice" and Mikki Morrissette "Choosing Single Motherhood" - you can get them on Amazon or lots of us girls have them so I'm sure we could post them out. Both American so some of the clinic details/sperm bank options etc are less relevant for us in the UK, but the general themes are the same - I found both really useful in terms of getting my head round things. There's also one by Louise something or other (I think...) called Knocked Up - also American and a slightly more light hearted look at conceiving using donor sperm.

Then I wrote myself a long list of questions (how would I cope financially, what would I tell people, am I truly sure I want to do this alone rather than carry on looking for Mr Right, is it important to me that my child can find their donor in 18 years time, how would I feel if they wanted to etc etc - happy to send you my list if it would help) and over many weeks, I answered all the questions - actually by writing down the answers. I wanted to be sure I'd really thought through all the issues and was ready to move forward.

I did all that before going anywhere near my GP or a fertility clinic because I'm a bit anal like that and needed to be sure I'd thought it all through. Others are a bit more impulsive and just make an appt for a first consultation.

What worked so well for me with this approach is that now, whenever I get a bit of a wobble (which we all do), I can go back to my Q&A and remind myself how well thought out this decision is and how sure I am that this is right for me.

On a more pragmatic note re clinics, several of us here, including me, are at London Womens Clinic (LWC) in Harley St. And at least one of us at Bridge (London Bridge). Both these clinics have no wait list for donor sperm - LWC in particular has large sperm bank. This can be an important consideration because at many clinics there are more than 9 month waiting lists for donor sperm.

Happy to answer any specific questions about LWC - just PM me. There's quite a few of us either in London or within easy distance of London (I'm in North Hampshire but regularly in Soho area for work) - we've had a couple of meet ups already. Not sure when the next one is planned but if you wanted to meet informally for coffee and a chat at some point, just ask - there's nothing we enjoy more than a good get together to talk insemination with people who really understand  ;D ;D

Gosh, sorry, I've rambled somewhat this evening. I'm in a rather reflective mood as my first IVF just failed. But actually writing this post has been brilliant as it's reminded me of all the reasons I started this journey in the first place and now I'm feeling much more positive about moving on to my next cycle.

Good luck with your decision making process - and feel free to throw all your questions at us
Laura
x
 

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Hello JCJ1 and welcome to the site!

I'm just off to bed so haven't got time to write a full reply just now, but didn't want to read and run.  I will try to write a proper reply in the next few days - I think the questions you are asking are really interesting and important!

Some1

xx
 

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Just wanted to add my welcome to JCJ1!  I think the others have summed it up wonderfully (especially Lou!).  I too have wobbly days when I question the journey I have chosen but I always come back to the same thing - my desire to be a mother and the love & security I could (will!!) give a child.  There are so many different versions of modern 'families' these days and this will only be more diverse when our children grow up.
I wish you luck with your journey & hope to meet you at the next reunion.

dottie
xx
 

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Hi JCJ1,

Yes, I went to an Inseminar before I started tx - didn't really learn too much in factual terms as I'd done lots of research before that. But going to it meant I got my first consultation half price which was well worth it, and I got to see the clinic and get a feel for the people which is also very important I think

If you can spare half a day I'd recommend it
Laura
x

 

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Hello JCJ1

I think you have had some really good responses from the others already and I echo what they have said.

I can identify with all the concerns and questions you raised and it took me a long time to work through them all.  I could have started my treatments a lot earlier - a clinic offered me treatment in Oct 06 - but I chose to go with a different clinic because I needed more time (the clinic I am with had a long waiting list for sperm).  By the time I got to the top of the list I had processed all my concerns and was 110% certain that I wanted to go ahead with treatment.  So, I think it is really important to give yourself enough time to really think things through.

I had a lot of angst about whether it was fair to deliberately bring a child into the world with no father but when it came down to it it just wasn't enough of a reason to decide not to go ahead.  I think being a donor conceived child of a single woman may well cause a child some sadness/anger/upset, but in reality there are always 'issues' for any child as they grow up and I think telling the child their story in a positive, considered and simple way from an early age will help to reduce this.  It is still something I still struggle with a bit to be honest and seeing those babygrows that say 'I love my daddy' always makes me feel really sad.

I also worry about what may happen when any child I may have starts school.  If I have been open and honest with them about their background and they feel as positive about it as I hope they will, they are likely to tell friends, teachers, friend's parents etc and some of them may be quite shocked or react badly.  Will have to cross that bridge if/when I get to it.

The idea of a donor that you know very little about is also quite difficult.  I used to walk round Tesco looking at men and thinking to myself 'Imagine if he was the donor', some of them made me feel quite ill! But, then I changed to walking round Tesco looking at children and thinking 'Imagine if that was my child'  - that just made me feel excited!  I also really worried about how it would feel to get pregnant by a donor, I was scared that it would freak me out and I wouldn't be able to bond, but again that is something that disappeared over time.  For me, as soon as my donor had been chosen I hardly thought about it at all.  My clinic gave me (verbally) quite a detailed description of my donor and read a letter to me that he had written for any children resulting from his donations - that really put my mind at rest.  I do think it is important to not build up a child's hopes/image of their donor though- you are right they could turn out to be weirdo (but my clinic told me they carefully vet theirs, they all have to see the counsellor and are rejected if they are any concerns) or they could reject the child (just because they agreed to their details being given to any children doesn't mean they would react positively to any contact 18 years later) and there is also the other possbility that the child and donor could meet and hit it off which could potentially bring its own challenges.

By choosing to have children with donors as single women we are choosing to bring children into the world in a less than perfect situation - but very few children are lucky enough to have the perfect situation.  All of us have given tons of thought to our chosen path (much more than many parents) and I think we can make wonderful mothers to some very special children if that is what we decide to do.

Think I've rambled quite a lot, but hope you find it helpful

Some1

xx
 

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Can't say for sure about singles who have had Di finding love/having a relationship again, but I have several friends who are single mums having separated from their partners and who have gone on to start a new relationship. I see absolutely no reason why you shouldn't find someone in the future (suspect first couple of years might be a bit hectic with a little one but after that...) - and in some ways having a child through DI is easier for a new partner - no ex for them to worry about  :)

As for childcare - there's always nursery/au pair/nanny etc....and once you get pregnant and have a child your circle of friends will widen - you'll meet other people in the same situation and you'll get lots of support there (again, seen that happen for lots of people but especially my single mum friends). Of course if would be great to have family nearby but these days most people don't - I think you just have to learn to look for and accept help from different and unexpected places.

You'll work it out - and if you decide it's not the right thing for you, at least you'll know you've explored all the options...

Good luck!
Laura
x
 

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Hi all,

I too am newly single, 35 (almost 36) and beginning to investigate DI as an option.  Just read through your posts and so much of what you were all saying, questions you were asking, resonated strongly.  Giving up on finding a partner in the future feels scary but if its meant to be, it will happen. (I have to believe this!) I'm already reading the books recommended on becoming a choice mother and finding them useful! 

I am currently also in the process of adopting from China which I began 2.5 years ago, my papers have been in china for 1.5 years (before they stopped single applications - was single at the time of doing it) and current predictions of another 3 years to 5 year wait. I always imagined being pregnant too and now feel that I can't wait for the adoption to happen and so want to explore other routes. 

Really pleased to have found this site, been useful already just reading through comments, so thanks.  I also saw the Inseminar events advertised and I think will try to go to one.

Best wishes
Lisa
x

 

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Hello to JCJ1 and Lisa! 

Really thought-provoking reading the posts on here.  I think you are both absolutely sensible to be thinking seriously/pursuing options on your own as relationships aren't currently working out.  I wish I had been smarter in my thinking about this when I was mid thirties.  Ever the optimist I just kept thinking Mr Right would turn up in time and suddenly too much time had passed!!  It also takes time to make the decision to  TTC alone and once you do there's all kinds of hurdles to get over...including the big one of actually getting pregnant!  I really wish someone had sat me down 5 years ago and pointed out what now seemings so obvious!!!  I'm still hoping and optimistic it is not too late (first iui attempt week after next!) but I know my age limits my choices (I'll go straight to IVF if iui go doesn't work). 

On meeting someone.....well who knows what might happen.....I was totally thrown that after years of being single and literally weeks after making the final decision to TTC, letting go of the ideal of a partner and getting the wheels in motion....I then went on holiday and met someone!  In the first conversation about how we were feeling I blurted out....'yeah but....I am not really looking for a partner anymore cos I've decided to have a baby on my own!' .... the other girls know that ultimately the relationship didn't work out but it wasn't cos of my TTC plans......he was more than supportive about that and still is actually...as a friend.  It has been a lesson for me in that nothing can be predicted in this life.......apart from the fact that all of the women on here who are brave enough to take this journey will make fantastic mothers in some shape or form!!

ok....now I'm getting sentimental and emotional ....and it's friday night and I'm in Starbucks so it doesn't look good!! 

stick with us...you'll both get so much support from these boards whatever your decisions and choices and paths are.

..Dix
 

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A belated welcome to JCJ1 and Lisa from me too!

You've come to the right place and I look forward to getting to know you both and share your journeys.

I think dating & ttc is possible. Afterall it takes the pressure off both of you. You're no longer racing against a ticking clock to find a daddy, you're looking for love and romance.

I agree with the others too that's it good to think things through in advance. There's a balance too & I remember one of the single mother books advising against over thinking things & getting stuck e.g. thinking you needed to know what you'd be feeding your 3 year old on a Tuesday before you're happy to go ahead with treatment. :). Its very good to plan ahead but sometimes you need to take a leap of faith too.
Just my 2p worth...

Good luck & welcome,
Felix xx
 

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Hi JCJ1 and Lisa,
Great to have you on board!  This journey is such an emorional one, I've found this forum an absolute god send!  Welcome!!!!
Lisa interested to hear that you're going down the adoption route, I too was looking into adopting from China, but saw that they don't allow us singles to adopt so never pursued it.  i still would like to if I'm honest.
Take care and once again welcome!
R x x x :)
 

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thanks for the welcomes...I'm already feeling so much more positive having found this site!!! There is definitely a tendency to over think things (you're so right Felix), and i think maybe getting on with it is the best way forward! I had already decided I could cope with being a single mum when adopting, I just need to get my head around the being pregnant bit.(fingers crossed that I can get pregnant of course)

R: in terms of adopting from China, I got in before the change, my papers went in December 2006 and the rules changed in May 2007.  I'm basically in the matching room just waiting but this is very very slow at the moment and you can't get a straight answer, so I have no idea how this will pan out.  There aren't many countries that you can adopt as a single person, and probably the best place to ask is the Intercountry Adoption Centre.  Although with the changes to China, lots of Americans have switched programmes and lots of countries have long waiting times now.  I'm happy to talk more about it...I'm not sure how you message direct but tell me how and I will!

thanks again for the support already...looking forward to sharing your journeys too!
Lx
 

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Hi there,

I just booked onto the Inseminar on the 28th June, the 11am was full but they said they are now doing an additional one at 2pm - although they haven't confirmed that i can go to this one yet.  Its a hard decision when you just want to get on with it and yet the process is so costly that each extra bit of money counts, so i understand the dilemma about the consultation.  I've also been doing lots of reading and thinking and have decided just to get on and do.  About to draft an email to friends to see if any one knows of potential donor, but if no one comes forward I have set myself September as the time to be starting with the sperm! (obviously if this is possible with clinic, there might be waiting lists I have no idea), in the meantime I am charting my cycle, measuring my LH levels, and have checked my FSH but I'm not sure how useful any of this is if you just do it with home tests!  At least I feel like I'm being productive.  I'm also waiting to meet up with the ex so he can get his stuff - and I totally hear what you're saying about good relationship and 'crazy' obsession (which is not at all crazy, we're kind of programmed to feel like this!!) It does feel like men have it easy, when it comes to waiting. And its really hard when you can see the potential of man and child on the horizon but just not in your timeframes, it makes the decision to get on with it even harder.

If you don't go on Friday will you be more frustrated? in which case waiting and saving a bit of money probably isn't worth.  On the other hand, going to the seminar is free, and you can suss out whether you like the vibe of the clinic or not. Sorry I can't be more helpful...

Let us know what you decide.
xx
 

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Great.  I should be there on the 28th...may be see you there.  I'm really Lisa not Lulu! (that's just what my family call me!)

xx

PS how did you get the tests on NHS (and what tests are you having done), its tempting to go to the doc's and say that I've been trying for a while and then I suppose they would refer me?? hmmm...something else to think about. Its probably good to know if there are any problems lurking about!
 

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Lulu,

I got all my blood tests and screening tests done on NHS - FSH, LH, progesterone, HIV, chlamydia, thyroid, rubella, CMV etc etc - there's a list on the LWC website of what you'll need before you can start tx there.
Only the FSH/LH, progesterone are related to fertility specifically, the others are just screening tests. You need FSH/LH done on day 1-3 of your cycle. You don't need a referral exactly - they just take blood (or swab/urine for chlamydia) and you get the results back around a week later (can take longer)

I went to my GP and told her what I was planning and she let me have the bloods done on NHS. Some girls haven't been so lucky when they've been totally honest with their GP - so it's up to you whether you just tell them you've been trying for a while and would like some tests, or whether you 'come clean' about being single and going it alone with donor sperm....depends how good your relationship is with your GP I guess....

Good luck!
Laura
x
 

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thanks Laura...may be I'll see if NHS will do it. I never go to the doctor so I'm not sure what they will say...hmmm!

x
 

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No, I never go to my doctor either and I was quite unsure how they would react. I rang the surgery (I live in a small rather conservative village - bit of a retirement village actually!) and asked for a female doctor. Lucky for me I got a young female GP who was new to the practice and to the area and who was fantastic...a bit surprised when I first came out with it as she'd had a morning of arthritis and sprained ankles! But after she got over that, she was great...

It's worth a try anyway, if they no you haven't lost anything, and if they say yes, you've saved quite a lot of money - the tests can add up if you get them all done through a clinic

Good luck!
Laura
x
 
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