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Hello,

I'm a newbie here, well have been registered with ff for a while but usually only browse and add the odd post.

I have PCO and dh has a blockage so we have to go down this route.  We've had 2 attempts at ICSI which both failed due to me producing poor quality eggs.  We're now trying the Marilyn Glenville vits and are due to start our next course of treatment the end of December.

Thing is my best friend had her first baby last night and I just can't seem to cope with it.  She first told me she was pg a few days before I was due to go in for ec, so it didn't go down too well and I found I distanced myself from her quite a bit as I couldn't cope with seeing her in her pg condition.  Anyways this last month or two I've found that I've clung to her for some reason (don't ask me why), I even took her to the hospital Friday to be induced but even before them I couldn't stop crying with jealousy and now she's had the baby I just can't stop feeling so jealous and I'm ashamed of myself for not being happy for her.  Any advice how to deal with this?

Now I can't wait to get my treatment started even though I must say I'm not positive at all, but I just feel I need to be doing something NOW!!!  But then I'm so scared of getting another BFN as I hate the way it makes me go, last time I thought I was going to have a breakdown as I was in a terrible state for weeks.

We have booked a holiday to Florida and LA for May if the treatment doesn't work, financially we need to put all our money into our savings for our treatment but I feel that I can't just keep going on and on with BFN's without anything to look forward to, but then I know if we do have the holiday we're gonna have to wait about 5 months after then for our next go because of the money side of things.

Any tips on how to get through all this?

Love
Paula
xxx
 

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Hi Paula,

I'm sorry to see that you are having a rough time at the moment - sometimes things just all come at the same time and its hard to deal with them.  Reading your post - it could well have been written by me!

Its only normal that you are feeling jealous of your friend - so please dont feel guilty about that - your allowed!  She is your friend and will understand if you are not around for a while.  I went through a similar thing and I guess we all do at some point.  You just want your own little baby.  We have a councillor at the hospital we use - and she was fantastic!  If you have one available to you - think about going and have a talk with her - it sometimes helps to have someone to listen to you, not judge and help you deal with the things in your life that are all mixed up.  I went in wondering how/what we would talk about - and then she couldnt shut me up - I was on a roll - the tears came and although I went home with a headache from all the crying - I felt a whole lot better.

Good luck with your next cycle - I took the mg vits, and had my best cycle in relation to the number of eggs I produced in September - so I would definatley recommend them.  I also did a couple of other things like only drinking filtered/bottled water, used a non aluminium deoderant and kept clear of fizzy drinks - dont know if they contributed to my eggs - but anythings worth a try.

We also are having a holiday as a plan for next year.  Like you - I think should we be putting the money towards tx - but at the end of the day - we all have to have things to look forward to and to plan - so im carrying on with the arrangements - and if I have to change the plans - then fantastic! - but if I dont - well at least we will have something to look forward to.

Take care - Im around if you need a chat - and by the way - welcome to FF  :)

Love

Debs xxx



 

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Hi Paula

I am so sorry you are feeling this way but it is completely mormal.  I think you should give yourself credit for being there for your friend, doing the driving etc despite the way you  are feeling.  Jealousy is something completely normal in this journey... I found I was OK with babies but the worst thing was pregnancy as that was the next stage etc etc etc.  I would also recommend seeing a counsellor - I know some people feel this as being a bit OTT but it can really help focus on things and allow you to say the bottled up things in a non judgemental environment.

I suppose my only advice is that for the sake of friendship you paint a happy smile on your face and then let it all out when you go home.

As for holidays versus treatment ...  I think that IF tx takes so much out of you, that sometimes you need to say you know what its time to do something for us.  I personally have had a lot of very nice holidays as a result of IF and been to all sorts of places I would not have done of children had come easily.  Sometimes you need to look after yourself and holidays and treats are important esp. as you will have potentially gone through three cycles.

The MG Vits are good and there are lot of people on here that believe they really do help.

Take care

Clare
 

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Hi Paula,

Sorry to hear that you are feeling so low.  Like Clare says, it is normal to feel that way so try not to give yourself a hard time about it. 

I too have distanced myself from nearly all of my friends who are pg or who now have babies and I think that too is a normal way of trying to protect yourself.  Even though you say you were crying in the hospital, you should give yourself a big pat on the back for taking your friend to be induced - I know I wouldnt have been able to do it if I was in your shoes.  So although it was incredibly hard for you, you did manage to achieve it and you should feel good about that.  I also recommend you see a counsellor - I have just started going to one and it is helping me a lot.  One of the things she has taught me is that you have to really look after yourself and praise yourself for all of these little achievements - however small they may be (and I think managing to take your friend to the hospital is a pretty big achievement). 

Its hard enough trying to cope with not getting pg when everyone else around you is, the stress of the tx, hopes and disappointments, side-affects of the drugs, feeling isolated because you have distanced yourself from all your pg friends, etc, etc.  We have so much to deal with on top of not having a baby, and its so easy to get down but that wont help your tx work.  I know it sounds so easy for me to say, but I am just coming out of a deep depression following my latest BFN and so I really do understand how you feel.  It is so hard, but try to think positively and try not to blame yourself or give yourself a hard time.  Cry when you need to and know that everything you are feeling is completely normal. 

However hard it seems, you have to try to get a little positivity back before you start your tx.  Call your hospital and find out about a counsellor as I think that could really help.  In the meantime, come on over to the December Snowflakes 2 thread on the cycle buddies section - we are all starting tx in December or early January so we'll be going through it at the same time as you.  Hope to see you there!

Take care of yourself and have a HUGE hug,
Olwen x
 
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