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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
This is a support thread for those people
who plan NOT TO tell any child conceived that a donor was used

Anyone who is undecided may dip into both the telling and not telling threads
to get both sides, or ask questions.

Any posts belittling or disputing the choices others have made will be removed.
Harassment will not be tolerated in any form.


PLEASE NOTE THAT IN LIGHT OF RECENT ANTAGONISM, THIS THREAD WILL BE HEAVILY MODERATED AT ALL TIMES, WITH ANY PRO-TELLING TALK REMOVED. ANYONE WHO RECEIVES UNWANTED PM'S IS ENCOURAGED TO PRESS THE 'REPORT TO ADMIN' BUTTON SO THAT IT CAN BE SORTED OUT
 

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Thanks Bundles

Happy chatting ladies

L x
 

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Perhaps the thread will have turned a new page now.....

😘
 

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Will be looking forward to some great support on here  ^reiki^
 

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Natalie 1402 - didn't want to read and run. Congratulations firstly!!

I am no where near the position you are in for decision making - but both DH and I have decided that once it is all done and dusted and we have our baby in our arms we shall destroy any evidence of us ever having DEIVF and get on with our lives as a family.

Our reasons - i don't want anyone viewing any child as not really ours/mine - we both have lovely families & friends however I don't want my child to come with the tag line - he/ she was from a donor. If no one knows they won't be able to say that. Any other child conceived naturally doesn't have its origins discussed from birth and judgements made?
I just think I know what people can be  like - and why on earth should anyone be privy to our private business? That said - I have pangs of doubt for the child not knowing - but since we are tx-ing abroad the info available is very limited and anonymous. That's just how I feel xxGood luck
 

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Natalie - It's a hard one and am still deciding if family will know if I use DE or no one at all. I am not in your situation yet but I think I would just keep it to your parents and brother until you have decided what you want to tell your child.
 

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Hi
We are in process of DE treatment. My parents know and are 200% behind us and have been on this journey with us since the beginning.
For my parents, DH and myself that child is our baby, my parents grandchild.  My parents made it very clear that any child coming into this family would be their grandchild be it adopted, DE or OE  so having my parents support is more important to me than what anyone else thinks.

It is no one places to judge.

While I understand that there are reasons for telling the child about donor conception the reality is that for me they will never be able to trace the donor so in my situation there is a disadvantage to telling the child
Good luck
xx

 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Whilst I think it's true that some children who find 'things' (many different things) out later in life are left with questions, I don't think that's true for all - some people are naturally a glass half empty type (whereas I'm a half-full :) ). I'm a great believer that if you bring a child up in a strong & loving home, and to feel secure in it's own body & mind, then they can deal with anything. For years my parents were cagey about how many years they were married around their wedding anniversary. I decided, with my next sister down in tow, to find their wedding certificate. I was probably about 15 at the time. Well surprise surprise, they were married in the August & I came along in the December ;D and I'm sure at over 7ibs I wasn't 5mths early !! Did I care, no not one hoot. My mum's fault for not saying no ! At least my dad married her & I wasn't given up for adoption, which was probably the norm in the 60's (not that I'm against adoption ;) but I wouldn't have had my 3 sisters). Sometimes I think that telling a child can make it more of a big deal for them by leaving more questions than answers but who knows. I think it's important to consider all angles & opinions but I just think it's more important to make the decision that's right for you as their parent, and as it's the one you're most comfortable with then you will deal with it the best ^hugme^
 

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thanks Bundles.
i just feel so angry that Joe Bloggs from down the road can sleep with anyone and have kids with anyone and no one bats an eye lid,
whereas for some reason i have to constantly live in fear of the SPERM police knocking on my door?!?
where is the sense in that, its such a double standard

xxxxx
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
K Jade  ^hugme^ I say stop watching Jeremy Kyle & Benefits Britain  ;D
xx
 

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hahahaha!
ive actually found those programmes quite inspiational to my situation.
it was jeremy kyle that made me think "for gods sake, why am i stressing about this sooo much" lol
xxxxxx
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I used to watch it as it made me feel normal  ;D but now it just annoys me  ::)
xx
 

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Hello everyone!

I'm new here, and on the fence at the moment regarding telling or not telling. I am considering double donation, and in order to allow myself the possibility of either option, I'm wondering about blood groups, and whether there is anyone here who understands that kind of thing!

As a same sex couple, my partner and I will have to tell about the sperm donation, but we would like to have the option of tell or not tell regarding the egg donation. My blood group is A rh positive. Do I need to ask for a specific blood type? I suppose what I am asking is whether there is a particular blood type that would mean it was obvious that I'm not the biological mother, regardless of the sperm donor's blood type?

I hope I've made some sense!
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Hi Liz & welcome  ^hugme^
I am the resident Blood Group Guru  ;D You have made perfect sense  :) Tbh you could probably use any combination of donors, although due to 'mathematical probability' I would probably avoid two B+ donors as you wouldn't know their absolute type ( we get 2 blood group genes ). Do you know your parent's blood groups ? As then I could work out if you are AA or AO (genotype) - both will be tested/show as Group A (phenotype).
I am in the process of drafting an easy explanation/table for people to follow but just haven't got there yet  :-\
Feel free to ask if you need any help.
xx
 

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hi liz,

im baffled by this blod type thing.
it appears that alot say that 'your secret' will come out when it becomes apparant that child doesnt share mum or dads blood type. ?!?!
but at no point in my life have i ever had access to my parents blood type.
nor would i have reason to.
can anyone shed any light? xxxx
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Hun, I will update as soon as I have this drafted  :) I know my dad's as we both were blood donors & my mum knows hers as she's had children !! I'm just a sad individual who loves genetics so I worked out everyone's blood groups - phenotype & genotype. I remember, as a teenager, finding it really funny that my mum is BO  ;D she wasn't so impressed  ;D
xx
 

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Yey, Bundles! I for one am glad you are into all of this! That's good news that any combination, more or less, could be used. The known donor I am considering using is O Rh positive, so that is down on the clinic's records. I can't change that now, as it's a country where they don't 'officially' treat single women. I've listed my preferences on the double donor application form, and I said that blood type was not important. Now though, I think I would like the option of not telling, because who knows how I will feel later on.

Basically, I woke up this morning feeling that it might be more of a burden than a gift of honesty, to tell our child that he or she was created by two anonymous donors, neither of whom can be traced. When I was thinking of using my friend as a known donor, I comforted myself with the knowledge that at least the child could trace one half of their genetic heritage, but if I go double donor embryo, it removes that option. However, the logistics of getting him overseas to do his bit is becoming a bit tricky.

So, to summarise my ramblings, from what you've said, at the very worst I could have a child who was very unlikely to have a particular blood group, rather than it be an impossibility?

Oh I forgot to add; I have no idea what my parents blood types are. Trying to think of a way to ask that whilst appearing nonchalant!

Thanks so much for your help Bundles :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·

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I am so happy i found this thread. I conceived with donor sperm following dh's noa diagnosis. Due to very high fsh and lh our only options were either adoption or ivf with donor sperm. Dh was very depressed and did not want to go for either of the two options but was also reluctant about living a life without children. So he finally agreed to go for counselling with me and after a few sessions he agreed to go for ivf with donor sperm on condition that we do not tell anyone. We conceived our 3 month old boy following my first FET.

Dh and our son have bonded so well but people just make it so difficult with their comments. Dh's aunt and mum are constantly saying that it is so difficult to determine who our son takes after. They say the same comment everytime they see us. I am in agreement with the idea of not telling anyone but my biggest fear is that it might come out. I keep thinking that if God forbids our son gets sick and needs a transplant the tests would show that dh is not his biological father. We chose a donor who has the same blood group as dh but I keep thinking that doctors would still be able to tell. Unfortunately all threads that I found are all in favour of telling the truth to the children and I felt likewe are really bad parents for not wanting to share the info with our child regarding this whole donor thing.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Hi Evan  ^hugme^
Congratulations on your DS  :) How silly of your MIL & her sister (I assume). I would be telling them that he takes after your distant cousin Bobby or the like  ::) It is a fact that features often skip a generation so there can often be only slight resemblances to some parents anyway.
To be honest, in the event of a transplant, the doctors would absolutely know your DH wasn't a biological match. Even the most basic HLA tissue typing would show that up, however, by telling them anyway, they are bound by patient confidentiality. It is never a given that parents could donate to their child. We stored cord blood & stem cells when our DD was born, for a similar scenario. 
You are not bad parents to want to keep it secret, I think it is often a braver thing to do  ^hugme^
xx
 
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