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Liz I also nearly went the KD route THANK GOD I didn't as I thought I knew him inside out but he changed completely when it came close to treatment, making all kinds of crazy demands to suit him and only him, this competely selfless guy turned into the biggest control-freak and tried to dictate everything even though he wasn't contributing a penny, when I changed to an anon donor he insulted me very visciously, our 20 year friendship ended very abruptly but needless to say I'm glad I saw him for what he is as I don't need anybody that unhinged in my life.

Anon is so much better imo x
 

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Blondie71, that must have been such a shock! We are lucky (and very unlucky) in that I have been pregnant via home insemination with our donor, but it ended very badly with a late miscarriage. What it did show us, was how he reacted to the pregnancy news, when he said "I'm so pleased for you both" (no mention of him) and it was me who said that I wanted to keep track of his whereabouts in case our child wanted contact.

I'm convinced on the not telling with the egg part, but I'm still conflicted regarding the sperm part. For me, naiive as it may sound, control isn't a concern, but I can't decide which is the lesser of two possible worst case scenarios for the child; never being able to trace his/her anonymous donor, or the possibility of not having the relationship he/she wants with the known donor.

When I fall on the embryo donation side, I think it's because it suits *me*, e.g it's cheaper, involves fewer drugs, no waiting list, more choice, embryo can be tested, etc etc. And unlike a heterosexual couple, I will have to tell something on the sperm side, as it clearly didn't come from my wife.

Thank-you SO much, everyone, for weighing in with your thoughts. I know it's a very contentious issue, and I am already in the not telling camp for the egg; it's just the sperm side I keep too-ing and fro-ing on. Thanks for being so patient. It must be a bit trying, talking with someone who is undecided when you have already made your decision, and for good reasons :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #43 ·
Liz this is a place for discussion, so you are in the right place  ^hugme^ I do personally wonder why it is so important for some children to find their recent 'ancestral roots' I kind of just don't get it. As a scientist myself I would be interested in a 'way back' what part of the world sort of way but with DS I think it comes down to someone you can potentially meet or someone you can't - which seems a whole different kettle of fish. Tbh I'm a bit tired, so may not be making much sense  ^idiot^
Good luck with your decision, it is, indeed a tough one  ^hugme^
xx
 

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There is no right or wrong way in any of this and we all do what is right for our own family situations. I hadn't realised you had such a late loss very sorry to read that, maybe a known donor can work for you if he's already proven himself under such stressful conditions and it sounds like you are more comfortable with a KD so go with your heart and initial instincts  ^hugme^
 

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Hi Ladies

We too have decided on the not telling - but sometimes it can test your limits  ^idiot^
I had to sit and listen to my MIL - whom I have to say is a fantastic grandmother and someone who has been a huge help to me over the months, tell a story about a forty something year old woman who was on TV the other morning having had double donor treatment and how beautiful her son was but how can she possibly sit there and think that's her son?
After the initial stab to the heart and the biting of the tongue, I subtly explained the error of her ways  ::) and then sat there thinking 'if only you knew!'  ;D
This only confirms for me that our decision was right for us although I guess if she'd have known from day one that I had DE then I know she wouldn't have said this - but would she still think it? ???
 

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Discussion Starter · #47 ·
Oh Firefly  ^hugme^ i put it down to the ignorance of the elderly  :-\ I used to do voluntary work with elderly people and was constantly amazed at some of the things they said  :) especially in this now PC world! As you say, at least she has no idea  :)
Xx
 

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Hi firefly9373,

You could look at your MIL's comment another way - it just shows how even close family members have no inkling about the type of treatment you had if you choose to keep this confidential.

B xxx
 

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I completely agree Bundles, they are prone to come away with some classic comments!
Thanks too Bomsh3ll, I'm still trying to adjust to 'the secret' but it does show that we've been successful so far  :)
I'm totally over it now but it did catch me off guard at the time - fierce mama hormones kicking in I guess  ;D
Thanks again ladies  ^hugme^
 

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Thank you for setting up the 'new' not telling support thread! I haven't posted lately because it didn't feel safe.

I have a dilemma  - we have had our little baby and now that we have I am definitely in the not telling camp. It is so much the best thing for us all - especially our baby.

My dilemma is this - we had our treatment in the UK because at the time, we thought we would tell. We do not want his birth registered with the HFEA because if it is, then it makes it much harder to keep it a secret. We don't live in the UK. Is there any way to avoid registering? We have not told the clinic about the birth. I do feel bad about that because the person was so supportive, and then there is the donor. I feel bad about that too because she did the most amazing thing. But for our family and our baby, we need to not have it disclosed. What can we do? Is it a legal requirement to register the birth? We really, really do not want to. How I wish we'd gone abroad, but then we would not have our amazing baby.

Thank you for reading. Any help would be so much appreciated.

AO
 

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Discussion Starter · #51 ·

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Thank you Bundles, that's a good idea. If no one else knows, I'll ask the lawyer.

Is there anyone in here who did treatment in the UK, registered with the HFEA and is not telling?

Thank you again.

AO
 

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Hello again,

I just wondering if there's anyone who can help with my dilemma?

Thank you in advance

AO
 

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hi apple orchard,
regarding your dilema, I am not sure about how the Hfea keep a register. I do beleive they try to keep tabs on people who use donors (totally wrong in my opinion) but im not sure really how they go about this.

however if you do not plan on telling your child then there is now way they would know they were donor conceived.
the term 'donor conceived' is not really commonly known amongst people who havent been through severe infertility. ask the adverage Joe public and they have no idea what IVF involves let alone the use of donor gametes.

so therefore your child getting some kind of sixth sense they are from a donor and contacting Hfea to ask is pretty unlikley. more unlikley by given the fact you dont live in the UK.

hope that helps.
xxxx
 

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Hi Apple Orchard

I don't know the answer to your question but could you email HFEA anonymously and ask them this question?  I have just had a quick look at the HFEA website and there is an email contact form.  If it was me I think I would set up a new hotmail or google email account and using an alias ask them in a general way without disclosing your situation.  Along the lines of we are considering fertility treatment with DE or DS and want to understand the implications etc etc and then ask if it is a legal requirement to register with them and if so what consequences there may be if you don't.  I don't imagine they can come after you in any way and if the clinic are unaware of the birth then there's no way of knowing whether the pregnancy resulted in a live birth.

I bet there are plenty of people who don't tell their clinic and/or HFEA.  I had my daughter through a clinic in Spain so have no knowledge of HFEA but I do know that when I asked my clinic about success rates for live births they said they couldn't tell me because a large number of people never let them know the outcome of the pregnancy.  Why would it be any different here?

Hope that helps
Morag
xx
 

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Hello ladies

Just letting you know I met with a rep from Care Fertilitys PR and Marketing dept yesterday. It was purely as a patient not as a moderator on here, I did talk in depth about UK clinics more often than not presuming patients will chose to tell and I said I felt there wasn't enough support available for those that won't tell and we discussed the DCN network and their views and the impact clinics pushing DCN can have on 'non tellers'

I know one persons views won't change much but I think its good to have had chance to discuss with them

L xx
 

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I'm glad you raised this Lilly83.

Realistically though for people who know from the off they won't disclose, treatment outside the UK is the most effective way to ensure no UK record exists, anywhere, of the type of treatment you've had.

For those needing donor sperm, importing frozen DS for home AI is also an option.

Apple, if the UK clinic treating you are not aware of the birth as you have left the country, then I would simply not have any further contact with them. They cannot submit details of your baby's birth to the HFEA if they don't know them eg name, date and place of birth. I'd say you have nothing to worry about.

Patsy68, I think your position is trickier having already disclosed - information in medical records is very difficult to retract - however you may have a case for removing this information from your children's records on the grounds that it has the potential to cause psychological harm to them if they discovered they were donor conceived this way.

For anyone looking to this option in the future, there are no medical advantages to disclosing the use of donor gametes. For example if maternal age is an issue, an OE pregnancy in an older lady carries more risks than a DE one, so disclosing will not result in any greater monitoring etc. Yes it may (favourably) affect results of screening tests for Down's risk, but no test other than amnio/CVS can conclusively diagnose chromosomal abnormalities so again for most people this isn't a concern.

Regarding allergies an individual is either allergic to something or they are not, and heredity is just one of a wide range of factors, so it isn't possible to assume own-gamete children will share parental allergies or that a child of donor conception will automatically be free from allergies affecting their parent/s.

B xxx
 

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Apple I don't live in the uk but had treatment in the uk. My son was conceived through DS and we are also in the not telling camp. What I don't understand is why you are concerned to register your baby's birth with hfea. I thought that they cannot do anything or reveal anything to the child unless the child contacts them.

I felt guilty about not telling the clinic about the birth of my child so eventually I decided to inform them especially since I plan to cycle again with them as I still have 4 embryos frozen. I don't live in the uk and sometimes I worry that maybe there could be a change in uk law whereby it would make it possible for the donor to contact us. That would be so devastating since dh only agreed to use ds on condition that we never tell the child and that we never have contact with the donor.
I was totally against the clinic telling the donor about the birth of the child but unfortunately it was their policy and we were informed of it before we had treatment.
 

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As far as I'm aware the HFEA tell the donor about the birth. For us, the fewer people who know, the better. We just don't want the birth registered anywhere. It makes not telling easier and simpler. I don't want complications years down the line. Who knows how rules and regulations might change.

Good luck for your next cycle.

AO
 

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Well in our case it's the clinic that willbe telling the donor about the birth. We signed a contract with the clinic before having treatment agreeing to all terms and regulations about use of ds. So if the law had to change surely it could not be applicable in our case given the fact that when we signed the contract the terms were that only the child had the option to contact the donor once he turns 18. Well I hope that's the case cos I would totaly freak out if it wasn't. The only two people in my country who know that we used a donor are our endocrinologist and my gynaecologist. There was no point in lying to them cos they knew we stood no chance of dh having a biological child after they saw his test results. Otherwise we did not tell anyone not even our parents.
 
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