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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I got my much longed for BFP at ARGC after 2 failed attempts elsewhere. At the first scan I was told it was twins, I have never been happier. Everything looked fine for the next two scans but yesterday I was told that one twin had died.

I just feel so devastated, like I am waiting for the other one to die too. I know I can either live in hope for the surviving twin or in despair for the lost twin but nothing will change the outcome. If I am going to lose the other one that will happen however I feel. But I cant stop crying. And I had told everyone it was twins, and now I have to untell everyone.

On Saturday I was crying because I was worried I couldn't be a good enough Mum to two babies, it would be too hard. So is this my punishment? I got a bug from my husband, I should have gone to stay with my Mum, is that why?

I had the scan outside of ARGC because I wanted my husband to be there (thank god he was) and the ARGC could not do gestational scans in the afternoon. I have nothing but praise for every aspect of ARGC, really. They are the reason I still have one baby. But I wish one of the doctors would call me (they were told yesterday) I  just don't know what will happen next, will I bleed? If I do what will happen to the other twin? What are the odds the remaining twin will stay with me?

I am sure some people will read this and think I am so ungrateful, Technically I am still pregnant with a healthy baby. This is all I have wanted for for so long. They would have a point.Just cant get myself together. I keep reliving the moment I Was told my baby had died.

The midwife just called to arrange the booking in appt. When she found out that one twin has died she said she would rather not make the appt yet. So what am I to make of that.

Sorry for the ramble.
 

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^hugme^ I am so sorry for the loss of one of your babies.  I would ring ARGC and ask to speak to one of the nurses or Drs about what to expect.  Unfortunately many women on FF will have also been through what you are going through as with IVF we are scanned and know so much earlier than in normal circumstances about how many babies, some refer to vanishing twin syndrome and do go on to have a perfectly normal and healthy baby.

Take care
l x
 

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Hi Tolly

I found out exactly the same thing on Tuesday. No HB on second twin at 8+1. I have been assured that this should not affect the viability of the other baby. From what I understand, your body normally absorbs the second sac and embryo at this stage because it is so small. The high levels of hormones from the other baby prevent you from having a miscarriage in a normal way. I think some people do experience some bleeding, although I am really hoping that this will not be the case for me.

I am not sure what to say to make things any better for you.... definitely allow yourself to grieve for the second twin, but really try to focus on the healthy baby growing inside you. There is apparently no reason why that baby should not continue to thrive. I don't know if it's any comfort, but usually when something goes wrong at this stage it is because of a chromosomal abnormality - the information is just not there to allow the embie to develop any further.

A poor nurse from the ARGC phoned me on Tues night with instructions and said "congratulations, and I see it's double trouble too" and I had to tell her that actually it wasn't (I have to admit this set me off emotionally). It is very sad but really have to focus on the good things and try and believe that all will be well with the other baby (although I understand you being worried - I am also paranoid that the same thing will happen).

You are definitely right that we are very lucky to be pregnant with one, so much wanted baby. I don't think you are ungrateful, but maybe the only way to move on is to focus as much as possible on that - while not feeling guilty about having a cry over the lost twin.

I hope that you start to feel better soon,

Lots of love

Tabith xxxx
 

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H Hun,

first congratulatons on ur bfp, and  ^hugme^ for the loss one lone little bean.

my daughter was a twin and one of them als died at 8 weeks. i went onto have a healthy baby with no problems and dd absorb the twin.

lots of ladies have this happen to them, but because we have scans so early we get to see twins, but by 12 weeks only 1 baby will be seen.

again massive  ^hugme^  i hope the rest of ur pg goes smooth.

lisa
xxx
 

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Hi - I have to totally agree with what all the other ladies have said.. I too on my first attempt, lost one twin at 7 weeks - unfortunately it happens... as JJ1 said - we are scanned so much earlier.. ordinarily we wouldn't know, and would just assume it was only one in the first place..

I know it doesn't help with your feelings and emotions, and a lot of people have been through the same thing and know exactly how you feel...

but don't think it is anything you have done/said/thought..... you are not being punished for anything... rejoice in the one life that you have got, and concentrate on that little bundle...

the fact I lost the first twin had no advers effect on James... what happened to him was totaly unrelated... and when I gave birth to him at 24wks, there was no sign of the other twin, my body had just absorbed the twin and all that went with it..

it's horrible, I know, but not unusual, and absolutley nothing that you did...

hope all goes well for the rest of yur pg..,

take care hun...

xxxxxxxxxxx
 

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Hi Tolly

I am so sorry to read your news.  And sorry ot hear of others who have been through the same. 

The same thing happened to me on my third attempt.  And strangely enough, despite the fact that I bled loads until 18 weeks, one of the only times I didn't bleed was when I lost Rafa's twin.  The research I did at the time I lost his twin told me that losing one  twin was not an indicator for losing the existing twin - particularly in the case of non-identical twins.  The first nine days after I lost R's twin, I was as miserable as sin and in hindsight I think that it was important for me to give myself a chance to grieve.  In fact those days really allowed me to move forward a bit and start looking forward to being a singleton mother.  Hardest things were seeing twin mothers, putting away the book on breastfeeding twins that I had optimistically bought, and seeing the link to the twin thread come up on my unread posts on FF.  But this grief did pass.  Can't say that I don't still sometimes find myself choking up when I think of R's twin, and I often wonder what he/she would have been like (and if I am honest, how on earth I would have coped with two), but mostly I am proud of and grateful for having a beautiful boy and for having had the opportunity even fleetingly of being a twin mummy.

On a practical note, in answer to your questions, you may have a little bleed, but most likely your baby will be absorbed into your womb lining at this stage in your pregnancy.  The odds of your existing twin surviving are I believe the same as if this hadn't happened.  If you do bleed, it is most most likely that this will have no bearing on your surviving twin, given how frequently it happens that pregnant women bleed without consequence.  I found readiang Lesley Regan's book on pregnancy very reassuring - it had a very brief paragraph on miscarrying a twin but in general terms her book is fantastic in telling you what to expect during the whole pregnancy.  The good news is that your twin has now arrived at the point where it is a foetus not an embryo and so is much stronger and viable.  The chances of survival are overwhelmingly high at this stage.

Give yourself time to grieve.  Don't let anyone tell you not to wallow, you have lost a baby, and you and your DH deserve the opportunity to grieve that.  The time will come shortly when you are ready to carry on your pregnancy feeling much more positive. 

Oh and nothing you do or think is going to be punished.  Some babies don't make it, for whatever reason.  And your midwife is being ignorant, she should book you in regardless.  Perhaps you could have a chat with a doctor at the ARGC, make sure of theh facts and then get your DH to call the midwife back to ask her to bookk you in - you don't want to lose your place on the waiting list for scans.  But again, perhaps give yourself a few days to take in what has happened to you and your family.

Big hugs to you and your DH, and to Tabith.

VEC x
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
I am so very grateful for your replies. To hear from people who have gone through this, or are going through this - well I can't really put that into words because words are inadequate aren't they. In short, you have all given me some peace, some comfort and some hope, and I badly needed that.

JJ1, thank you. I spoke to an ARGC doc today and he says I have about an 80% chance of this pregnancy being okay.

Lisa_A, great to hear you have your daughter now, it really helps to hear happy endings right now.

Tabith. Thankyou so much, and I am so sorry you are going through this too. I did not get my scan done at the ARGC so I had not had access to the info regarding high levels of hormones preventing the miscarriage, that makes sense to me. Also thanks for the link, google can be your best friend or worst enemy sometimes. How awful to have had that call from the ARGC, I can only imagine how difficult that must have been. I really admire your strength and positivity and wish you all the love & luck in the world. 


Raine290871. I am so sorry for the loss of your twins, but pleased to hear you have your baby now, thats so wonderful.


Vec. Your story really touched me. I am so sorry to hear of the loss of Rafa's twin. I am not someone who usually "falls apart" but the last 24 hours have seen me do just that. I hope that after a couple more scans seeing (please God) a healthy baby I will be able to regain the joy i had after the BFP. I had not considered that at 8 weeks my baby is now a foetus rather than an embryo and is stronger, that helps me believe again. I will call the midwife and be stern, if I have an 80% chance of this working out, then I want my booking in appt!

I hope that everyone on this board gets their happy ending.  With much love and thanks and gratitude. Tolly xx
 

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Hi Tolly

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss!  And I'm also sorry to hear of all the other ladies on this thread who experienced a similar loss.

I recently had my 20 week scan & was very excited to see both my babies, only to see the sonographer pause over the one twin desperately trying to find the heartbeat.  After the measurements they estimate that I lost it at 18w5d.  I will never forget that moment & still see my beautiful baby curled up looking very peaceful when I close my eyes.  It is the most devastating news any mother-to-be can be given.

Like you I was petrified of losing the other twin (& still am) so rushed to the ARGC the following morning where they recommended I have another ivig - the thought of my body killing my babies made me feel physically sick!  However both the ARGC & NHS think it is more likely to be due to a chromosome problem.  This really frustrated me as I had a PGD (Pre-Implantation Genetic Diagnosis) during treatment but I guess something slipped through.  Still, with no confirmed diagnosis of what happened I'm even more paranoid about my other twin now.

I think blaming yourself is part of the grieving process - I scrutinized absolutely everything I did, ate etc. that week & compiled a 3 page list of questions for my consultant who tried to calm me down & told me I did nothing wrong!  I had a bladder infection that week & was on antibiotics but they've assured me it wasn't that.  I even got superstitious & blamed the one magpie I saw the morning of the scan plus got very angry with myself for getting excited, researching twin goodies online & most of all for posting our good news on ******** (even though all our friends & family have been very supportive).

I cried for days afterwards & couldn't bring myself to talk about it - why is having a baby so difficult for me when both my sisters just fall pregnant at the drop of a hat with no complications whatsoever?!
My dh took it very badly too as he had only just started believing our dream could come true (this was our 4th & only positive IVF) & now refuses to talk about baby stuff until he/she is in our arms, happy & healthy.  We are even going to borrow my sisters car seat when we eventually have the baby just in case & only buy a new one once the baby is home.

The only way we are keeping sane & moving forward is by concentrating & desperately trying to remain positive for the surviving twin.  I'm 22 weeks now so have began feeling movement which has helped reassure us daily but I don't think the worry will ever go away.

I was told that generally the dead twin will be reabsorbed by the body however mine might be too far ahead therefore will remain inside me until birth.  Unfortunately with the growth of the other baby it may become squashed & flatten therefore unrecognisable at birth.  The thought of having a dead baby inside me for another 18 weeks took me sometime to come to terms with.  Unfortunately at recent scans we can still see the other twin who still looks very peaceful & I can't help but get my hopes up that we may see the heartbeat.

Make sure you & your dh take some time to be together & grieve for your loss cause even though you still have another baby you have still experience a traumatic loss.  Try & remain positive for your surviving twin as like so many ladies have said the chances of the other twin surviving are very high.  The thought of losing the other twin & having to do this all over again just isn't worth thinking about!

Hang in there, we are all with you.

Dx
 

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Delysia, hon, am so sorry to read of your loss.  That really must just have been awful news to ohave to deal with, and to keep having to deal with.  I entirely sympathize with you re your hopes  re a heart beat - that was a hope that I carried right up until giving birth, no matter how irrational I knew it to be.  Big hugs to you and I hope that the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly.  your surviving twin will soon be with you, and I look forward to reading your birth announcement and seeing just how in love you are with him/her.

Tolly - go you.  Try and forget the statistics, once your baby has reached this stage, there is a very low chance of things going wrong.  I was treated differently by doctors after losing R's twin, lots of doctors told me that my pregnancy was high risk, but finally I found a few sensible doctors who said that that was all nonsense, and I got no special treatment.  Much better that way!  You will regain the joy of your BFP, but most importantly once your baby is with you, you will just have the pure and utter joy of being parents. 

Good luck to all

VEC X
 

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I just wanted to say how much I appreciate all these replies too. It is so wonderful to hear from others who have been through the same thing.

Delysia, I am so, so sorry to hear of your loss and can imagine that it is an incredibly difficult thing to keep having to deal with. I really hope that the rest of the pregnancy goes smoothly. I also sympathise with hoping to see a HB - I am doing the same thing even though I know it's irrational.

VEC - thanks for your replies - they really strike a chord and are so sensible and informed. The GP that I went to see was all doom and gloom when I said one of ours wasn't doing well - implying that it was likely that the one that was doing well also wouldn't make it.... but I know from what I've read that there is no real reason why the remaining twin shouldn't thrive and certainly the ARGC don't seem to be overly concerned. REALLY don't need people like Tolly's silly midwife making us even more paranoid than we are already. Anyway VEC, thank you for the encouragement and many congrats on Rafa.

Tolly, so glad that the replies have made you feel a bit better. I know that there will always be a bit of sadness attached to this (for example I find it difficult every time I see a twin buggy at the moment - and I can't imagine that ever going away) but let's hope that both of us have smooth pregnancies for the remaining 31 weeks or so. Will look out for you on FF.

Raine - many congrats on TJ and so sorry to hear about the loss of James and his twin.

Lisa - thanks for your reply too.

JJ1 - I definitely need to have a better chat with docs at ARGC as most of my knowledge has been courtesy of internet so far - when they told me on Tues I just didn't think enough about what to ask....

Tabith xxxxx
 

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Hi Tolly,

I also lost Jacob's twin at around 8 weeks and can totally empathise with your worries and grief but as you can see it is unfortunately fairly common  :(  I had scans every week after losing our precious baby for many weeks before i managed to settle down and start looking forward to the birth of our living baby. I would definitely call your midwife as there is absolutely no reason why she should suspend treatment. It does get easier i promise and when Jacob was born we bought and planted a rose in his/her honour.......I still talk to it often  ;)  In our case the baby was absorbed  ^hugme^

Good luck sweetie xx
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Delysia,

I was so so sorry to hear what you have been through. To be so far along and for this to happen to you just breaks my heart.  By the time any of us end up here on FF we have had to cultivate the most enormous strength, you must have needed every ounce of it.Lovely that you can feel your baby moving, I hop that gives you comfort every day. I too tortured myself with what I did and didn't do. Did this happen to teach me a lesson? I had told everyone,I had tempted fate. Probably these thoughts are all part of grieving. Am thinking of you and your DH, you can and will have your happy ending.

Tabith, Hope you are doing okay. Think you and I are nearly at the same point in all this. I think my next scan will be a hard one (have not had one since I found out) Nervewracking for living baby, and imagine seeing the other babe will be so painful. And can totally identify with the hope too ..

To everyone else, thanks again.

What an amazing community of brave and inspiring woman you are. Even for (mainly) lurkers like me. Right now, I am one of the lucky ones, it is not that long ago that I believed with my whole heart that I would never be pregnant. I am, I am hanging onto that.

Tolly
 

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Hi
I've been reading this thread and finding it so helpful. I'm so sorry all you ladies have experienced the loss of a twin, and so pleased for those of you who have successfully given birth to your remaining twin. Tolly, Tabith and others still pregnant, I'm praying your pregnancies continue smoothly and you feel less anxious as time passes.
As you'll see from my profile, we recently had our first ever BFP, at the ARGC, and were surprised but delighted to be told it is twins. Sadly we learnt last week that one may not make it - we will find out how it is doing at our 8 week scan on Tuesday. I felt so emotional at the news, and have been so much more anxious about both embryos surviving. Your stories give me hope, and also comfort that I'm not alone.
Tabith, I think you got your BFP just a bit before me, we haven't met but I've been following your posts and hoping T1 is growing well. It would be nice to meet if our paths ever cross at the clinic  :)
Lindy x
 

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Lindy - so sorry that you are going through the same thing. The waiting and not knowing is incredibly hard too. I really hope that it works out for the second twin - there are certainly many stories of people for whom things have worked out despite a shaky beginning. Will be thinking of you and hoping.  ^hugme^ ^hugme^ Would be lovely to bump into you at some stage.

Tolly - hope you are doing ok and that next scan shows all is well with the other baby. Ours is tomorrow and I am quite nervous, although I still do "feel" pregnant so am very much hoping that all is ok with "T1". I was absolutely assured by Dr D that they were two different babies and the sad outcome for the second twin would not affect the first twin. For me too it will be the first scan since finding no HB on T2. Luckily DH is able to come with me tomorrow (he wasn't there for the last scan, though my sister came which was nice).

Delysia - I hope that you are doing ok too. xxxx

Tabith xxxx
 

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Tabith thanks, and masses of  ^reiki^ ^reiki^ ^reiki^ ^reiki^  to you and Tolly for your scans tomorrow. I'm hoping so much you get reassuring news at your remaining twin, both of you  ^pray^ ^pray^ .  Do let us know here how you get on.
I'm in at 11am for mine (short blonde bob with fringe, specs, black coat) so shout if you think you see me!
Delysia, hope you're doing ok  ^hugme^
Lindy x
 

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Lindy - really hope your scan was ok today. Thinking of you and hope to hear how it went.  ^hugme^ ^hugme^

Tolly - I think yours is in a few days time isn't it? This week must have seemed very long - it definitely did to me! Wishing you lots of  ^reiki^ ^reiki^

Delysia - still thinking of you and hoping that everything is progressing ok.  ^hugme^ ^hugme^

Good news for us is that T1 is measuring 29mm and was doing little swimming movements - so CUTE!! It was lovely to see. Definitely all over for T2  :(. The doctor said that T2 would probably remain obvious on the scan until about 14 weeks, at which point mostly should be absorbed.

Love to everyone else,

Tabith xxxx
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Hey everyone

Tabith, I am so pleased your little baby is doing well, and practising it's swimming - very cute! It must be such a huge relief to see that heartbeat pounding away. Hope it was not too sad to see the other little one. You seem very brave and strong and together, I hope some of it rubs off on me! Not long until we reach the 12 week milestone.

Lindy, so sorry that you too are going through this. I think in a way it must be harder to be "on notice" that one babe is not doing so well. I hope your scan went great today and you have you the reassurance you need. I am almost a week on from hearing the news, and am already doing so much better (In no small part due to the support I have had on here) I know you will too.

I have my scan tomorrow. Am feeling very ambivalent, longing to see the healthy baby, and dreading seeing the other one, not because of squeamishness, more the emotional pain and reminder of what I have lost. Also, I need the doctor to say straight away when he sees the heartbeat, just don't want a silence - even a well meaning one. Have not had any bleeding so hoping my other little one will be absorbed soon. 

Tabith, One of the things you said really resonates with me, the idea that it did not have the genetic code to go any further, that has really helped me. Thankyou.

Delysia, I am thinking of you. Hope you and the baby are doing well.

Love to everyone, Tolly.
 

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Tabith that's fab news, congratulations. 

My fingers are crossed for those next in scan queue! 

X
 

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Tolly - It will be written on your notes hun so any decent sonographer will read this and find and show you the heartbeat straight away but just say you are very nervous as soon as you get in there so they get the message. My sonographer never showed me the other sac so i didn't get too upset  :)  Good luck sweetie  :-*

Tabith - Excellent news hun  :)
 
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