Fertility Friends Support Forum banner
1 - 16 of 16 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello everyone,

I have a few questions regarding donor eggs at IM Barcelona and the physical characteristics of the baby.

My partner and I are both fair, blue eyed, red/brown hair.  I understand that IM do not give you any information about your donor until the day of transfer.  My question is what if one is not happy with the physical characterics on the day?  Can you refuse and ask for a better match? 
Can you find out the donor's occupation, hobbies etc?

Also, is only 1 donor assigned to each patient or does her eggs get distributed to other patients?

I have an appointment in July and I am getting nervous. We are not planning on telling anybody about donor eggs so it would be an issue if the baby was dark with brown eyes.

Thanks alot and best of luck to everyone.

 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
12,126 Posts
I'm afraid i don't know much about donor eggs etc, but as for what the baby looks like, characteristics can be a throw-back from your genetic past so you shouldn't have to explain anything!! :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,943 Posts
Hello,

I am fair skinned with green eyes/brown hair, but my mum dark skin with brown eyes brown hair, Dad has bright blue eyes black hair, my sister is olive skin with brown eyes blone hair and my brother is blonde and green eyes.

What I am trying to say - none of us look alike at all!

We are a family and that is all that would matter too you and hubby.

Best of luck xx
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
623 Posts
I'm at IM.  I'm fair with green eyes and my husband dark haired, fair skin with blue eyes.  They found me a donor with green eyes.  They do tell you on the day, if you are worried phone them and ask to speak to one of the nurses/doctors - they are very helpful. I don't think you can cancel on the day - well you could but they would expect you still to pay the donor's expenses etc.  You do get all the eggs from 1 donor unless she produces loads ie 20.  We got 11 with our first donor and had a fresh go and some to freeze as well.  We go back in July for another fresh go.

Come and join us on IM cycle buddies. It's under Treatment outside the UK but not the Spanish link
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
All all,

Thanks for the feedback. 

My partner and I are together 19 years and we did not plan for children until 2 years ago.  We spend many years travelling, studying, and restoring a farmhouse and left it too late for making babies (with my eggs). 
Now I am 42 with high FSH and my doctor has suggested donor eggs with IM in Barcelona.

I am still a little undecided about the donor egg route.  IM do not give out much information about the donor.  Do other people wonder what their donor looks like, what her hobbies are etc or am I just paranoid?

I also worry about not knowing all the donor's genetic history.

My own genetic history would not be perfect but I am aware of it.

Maybe I need to talk to a counselor before going ahead with donor eggs in Spain.

Do other people worry about these issues?

Best of luck...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
381 Posts
Hi Golden Moon

Thought you might be interested in my perspective as it has changed a little throughout the whole journey. I have been with my DH for 17 years and we decided to do things the 'sensible' (for us) way and get married and buy property first...then we struggled to have kiddies...I was gutted when I first realised it wouldn't happen naturally...more gutted when it didn't happen with IUI and totally beside myself when I was told that IVF only produced immature eggs...Yet, even at this stage, I didn't even think that DIVF would be an option. I very much had the attitude that if I couldn't have children then I would adopt, thus helping others and avoiding the discomfort of pregnancy (how shallow does that sound!  :-[. Having said all that, we gave IVF a second try (just to make sure my eggs were duff!) and when I realised that really was the end of the road for me, I fell apart. It was SO hard for me to accept, that I suddenly realised that I felt that it would be selfish not to consider DIVF for the benefit of my DH...I may not be able to have my own genetic kids, but he could if we went down the donor route.

So, that's what we did. For our first attempt, I was very much like you and wanted to know all the characteristics of our donor...I kept looking up and down the street wondering if 'that was her' ...we always decided we would be honest with any child(ren) but I didn't want lots of questions from random strangers...I also found that when we were told about fertilisation rates I had a little bit of a 'oh my god what have we done' moment, but it didn't last...Anyway, when that tx didn't work, my perspective changed again.

Anyway, long story short, we changed clinics and they only give us age and blood group...and I am finally pregnant (after 7 and a half years!). We had 'implication counselling' with our clinic and, although it was a little predictable, you might find that helpful in making sure you consider all the potential issues that may arise if you don't tell the children (and if you do)...and, to be honest, although I was 100% happy with the donor route, I was always a little nervous that if I did ever get a BFP that I would have some doubts or something...but I can promise you that I have had none whatsoever...in fact it's only as I respond to questions like this that I even remember that my twinnies are not 'genetically' mine...That said, I totally feel like their mother (sickness/tiredness/aches etc often remind me too ;D)

Anyway..that's my story...I don't know if it helps or not...my advice (which you are at total liberty to ignore of course  ;)) is that you just make sure that you are relaxed when you go for tx and try not to worry about the donor... scientifically an egg is not a person, it's just our emotions that make us feel that. And I do recommend seeing if your UK clinic do implication counselling...

When I was having doubts someone posted a really nice analogy about making cakes...I can't remember it word for word, but the gist of it is that there are many things that go into making a cake...an egg is just one and it doesn't matter which chicken it came from...without all the other ingredients (and most importantly the oven!!) the egg would be nothing.

Do keep asking me questions if it helps...and feel free to ask me to explain if any of this doesn't make sense..I'm not for one minute suggesting that I know the answers, or that what we're doing is right...

Good luck and do keep in touch
Alice xxx
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
381 Posts
Oh my! I've just seen how long my post is...well done if you manage to get to the end of it!


x
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
623 Posts
Alice your post was great. Congratulations on the twins. I can emphasise with your post I have a very similar story but as yet no viable pregnancy. IM have accepted me on the refund programme though and they only refund 8% and I am determined to be in the 92%. I agree completely with the cake analogy.

Golden Moon if you are having doubts as well as counselling it is worth reading the following thread http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=79093.0 It's on the Treatment outside the UK. Basically though if you had identical embryos in 2 different women the babies would be very different as your characteristics and hormone levels etc can cause different genes to be expressed. IM will give you other info but that does seem to depend o the doctor - I know some women have been told what their donor does as well as age, hair colour, eye colour, build and blood group.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
381 Posts
THanks barbaramary! (And good luck with next tx...we're not out of the woods yet..12 week scan friday  ^pray^ ^pray^)

That reminded me, we also found out what our donor did in our first tx and I hated knowing...the job title was ambiguous and it meant that she could either work on the stock exchange or work in the local markets...so it didn't help at all, except it made me question why it mattered!

I'll shut up now!  :-X  ;D

Alice xx
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
619 Posts
Hi Golden Moon

Your concerns are the same as mine, when I started out on the DEIVF route.  I am currently doing IVF with my own eggs (I am a raised fsher).  If this fails, we will be going for DEIVF, probably Spain.
I know what you mean about the donor and concerns about them, but I am sure if you worked things through with a counsellor this would help or if you discussed issues with the clinic about how deeply they probe medical and mental health history.  There is a risk of any child inheriting negative traits from either of its biological parents anyway.  I know that the uk clinics I have spoken to have very rigorous screening procedures, but of course they also have huge waiting lists.
With regards to characteristics of a donor child, my natural daughter has green eyes and blond hair and both me and DH are dark haired and dark eyed.  A Spanish donor baby would probably look more like our own child!

All I can say is do your research and continue to ask more questions.  I have also joined the donor conception network too.

Best of luck

Jane
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
231 Posts
Golden Moon - I have PMd you. x
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
321 Posts
Hi,

its so interesting to read this thread because you forget some of the journey you have been on till you are reminded by other people. I am utterly happily 15 w pregnant with donor egg ivf,  and dont feel odd about the donor aspect at all. just pregnant with my baby ! I went to IM so all I know about donor is blood group same as mine, hair brown like mine, eyes brown mine are green, height marginally taller than me and age 22, but to be honest I really didnt want to know more. I remember somebody telling me about a clinic where you choose the donor based on a detailed profile, and it said something about them loving tennis ! now that really puts me off and kind of freaks me out, firstly cos I dont like tennis lol but just because I dont want to do my head in wondering whether I should send them for toddler tennis !!! and wondering whether these few random details are definitive personality traits. There are all kinds of random elements in any family, eg my mum was cripplingly shy as a child whereas I was up on any stage I could find showing off, my dad is really musical and I cant sing at all ! (these elements dont combine well I realise) . but.... I suddenly remembered that I felt really different when we first thought about the donor egg option. It is a real process to make that jump from your own eggs, and mourn the fact that she's not gonna have your nan's smile or whatever :) but I think by the time you are really ready to accept donation as the way to go that starts to feel less significant. gosh I 'm really rambling on sorry ! anyhow hope something helpful in there and IM do try and match physically, only really eyes different this time, first donor (unsuccesful) had green eyes though. and they try and have a broad range of donors, a friend has blonde blue eyed triplet boys from barcelona .

nell x
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
381 Posts
Nell,
You didn't ramble and I'm totally with you there...we're in the same position and I couldn't agree more!
Alice xx
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,209 Posts
This has been really helpful for me to read.
We are about to embark on deivf in spain and I have been a bit nervous about the biological bit. We have biological twins already and had been told that was that. I have spent the last 2 yrs coming to terms with this and have moved on as much as you can and in fact when sil announced her pregnancy 3 months ago it was the first time in 10 yrs it didn't hurt like hell!!  However DH hasn't moved on and wants more children so it is DEIVF for us.
I have found reading this thread so comforting. Thanks you and I wish you all well in your treatment.

Ellie
 
1 - 16 of 16 Posts
Top