[Marielou]

Hiya,

This is a concern about my sister, I'm really worried, and hope noone minds me posting here. I don't mean to cuase offence, but I don't know anyone else to talk to about baby related things.

Ok, my sister had a baby girl 11 days ago.   She's only 18, living at home with mum and her long term partner.  She seemed to be coping well with baby, bottle feeding, and baby seems happy and healthy.
Yesterday, she rang me in hysterics, saying baby hates her, and that she can't cope.  She also said she wants her taken away, and doesnt want her.     
She told her midwife about this yesterday am, and apparently she has been referred to a health visitor, who has contacted social services. They are coming out to see her tomorrow.    Does this mean they will take baby away, or is it just a precaution, and to offer support?       I'm scared that if she does give baby away, she won;t realise that she can't just ask for her back and get her back right away.  I don't for one minute think she does want to give her up, I think she's just tired, plus there is issues with DP wanting to move back in with his mum  and his family always taking over the baby (for example, they will just pick her up from her crib when she's sleeping, or will take her off my sister when she's feeding/winding etc) which I know is really upsetting her.
Mum is taking next week off work to support her, and I've offered to go down the week after for a week, to look after baby during the night, to give her a chance to sleep, and any other time she needs me.     I don't know what its like to have a newborn, but I hate to see her so upset.   Its also hard for me to hear her say she doesnt want the baby, when I'm so desperate, but thats another issue.
I guess I'm just wondering if they will take the baby away from her?  Or support her first?   Baby is well cared for, fed, changed and warm, so no reason to suspect, but I'm so worried for the pair of them.  Does this sound like PND to anyone else?

Again, sorry if I cause offence, but I'm so worried!

Marie xx

 

[**Tashja**]

Try not to worry hun

I very much doubt they will take the baby I think it will just be for support.  I this SS try to keep the baby with its mother as much as they can !!

I hope this sorts out soon for you.

Tashja xx

 

[Jennifer]

Marielou - How awful

I agree, they try to keep babies with their mothers wherever possible and as she has a supportive family, I wouldn't worry too much.  I am sure it is a precaution.

Love Jennifer xx

 

[cindyp]

Hi Marielou

Sorry to hear your news.  This sounds like classic PND to me, my baby sister had her eldest at 17 and was very similar.  The combination of the hormones and the sudden feeling of responsibility for this tiny baby can become overwhelming.  Don't worry SS can't rush in and take a child away without a definite indication that the child is in danger.  They are just being cautious and checking that everything is OK and seeing if they need any support.

Unfortunately all you and your family can do is support her in a time like this and that sounds exactly like what you are doing.

Will you and your Mum be there when Social Services come?

Cindy

 

[Mish3434]

Hi Marielou,

sorry to hear your sis is having such a hard time of it.  It is perfectly normal to feel at a loss of what to do at times.  Can someone have a chat with her dp about his family taking over (they probaby think they are just supporting her), I know I wouldn't appreciate too many people interfering whilst I was trying to feed/wind etc, your sister is just finding her feet, dp's families interfering behaviour is probably what is causing the pnd/baby blues.  A newborn is very demanding and from my own experience my hormones have been everywhere and I have at times felt like I can't cope and that I'm a c**p mummy, luckily I have a supporting DH who tells me daily that I am doing a fantastic job, it is what all new mums need to hear, 

SS should just come in and tell your sister that she is doing well and that her mood is caused by the loss of her pg hormones. 

Please let us know how she gets on

Love Shelley xx

 

[LindaJane]

Marielou

How upsetting for you and your family.  As Mish says hormones are all over the place just after birth and feelings of inadequacy and uselessness and being tired too just get to you once the initial adrenilin rush and excitment fade away.  Your sister is not alone in this and being young herself perhaps needs more support than some ladies do.  I had episodes of feeling like the worst mum in the world and bursting into tears at various times and there were times when I just felt that my baby did not deserve me as a mum because I just could not seem to do the right thing for her - this changes with time as you get to know what the baby wants through experience. 

I am surpised that SS are involved so soon to be honest as the HV and GP should be the initial support for PND I would think particularly if the baby is well cared for despite her protests however I would think that SS would support at this point as they should endeavour to keep family together.  I would recommend that someone from the family is there to support your sister when they come. 

As for the in-laws they possibly think they are trying to help in their own way?  Encourage her to ask them  not to disturb/take baby away but also to ask them to help in other ways so that she gets the rest she needs. 

I hope that everything settles down for your sister.
LindaJane

 

[AnneD]

Hi hun,

So sorry for you and your family right now.  No, I don't think SS can just come in and take the baby like that.  As long as the baby is in no danger the best thing for the baby is to be with their mummy.  It is surprising that they're involved so soon as I would have thought a GP would be involved first.  I agree that perhaps it would be good if you or your mum (or both) could be there when SS pay a visit.  Your sister has such strong support from you both that it can only be seen as a good thing.

Annex

 

[viviennef]

Hi Marie, I don't think the SS would even think of taking the baby away. In fact I'm surprised they're involved at all at this stage. I have to say when I had Jamie I went through a period of feeling really low and anxious. I was in tears almost every day but my hormones were all over the place and I was overwhelmed by everything. I'd went through so much to have him I was terrified something would happen to him and I couldn't sleep as I was constantly checking he was breathing. I eventually broke down to my health visitor, she refered me to the GP who arranged counselling. It sounds like your sister is having too many people upsetting the baby's routine and they may be undermining her as a mother. The SS will probably arrange for some support for her to help her and it is very early days so they know she'll be feeling hormonal not to mention exhausted. Hope everything works out for her (and for you)

Viv xx

 

[Marielou]

Thanks so much girls for your advice and support.

I think a lot of the problem is essentially related to her partner's family ~ they expected her to take the baby over to them when she was only a day old as they 'were too busy to come over' (fair enough, its only 4 streets away, but poor Lisa had to deal with being a new mum in unfamilliar surroundings)
They totally take over, and told her to give up breastfeeding so they could feed the baby.  They wore her down so much, she's now bottlefeeding. 
He has decided he wants to live back with his mum, as Mum cooks his food  so h'es moving back in tomorrow, and I think that is related to a lot of her problems. 
I'm going down today, and Mum has taken next week off to care for them.  SS cancelled the appt yesterday, and are coming on Monday.

I really feel for her, she's doing such a good job,

Marie xx

 

[sweet kitty]

baby blues ... 

 

[Jennifer]

Hi Marie - Please let your sister know that we are all thinking of her.  I was a single Mum at 19 (pg at 1 so I know how it feels.  If your sister would like to talk, I will IM you my number - she probably won't but she is more than welcome to call if she would like to

Life does get easier but its hard to believe that when you are alone with a new baby.

(((((hugs)))))

 

[Sue MJ]

Marie,

Hope your sister is feeling better for having you with her today.

I think what she is going through is very normal.... normal for any mum, let alone an 18 year old, still living at home and having an interfering partners family and a partner that needs a boot up the backside!

Emotions are funny things when having a baby and they are the one thing I say was the absolutely WORST thing I had to deal with after having Iestyn.  One moment I was as happy as anything, chatting normally, the next I was in floods of tears - this for me went on for 6-8 months and even now, almost two years down the line, I most definately am not in control of my emotions.

You sister will be feeling very lonely, very scared.  She's in her own little world at the moment, going about her business - doing her absolute best for her baby, but so vulnerable, not knowing what this little person really wants - just second guessing everything.  It really does take time to adjust.

I looked at some photo's of mine the other day, of me holding Iestyn when he was about 8 weeks old and even though I am there in body in this photo - if you look at my face, I'm not there... that probably doesn't make sense, but I was just in auto pilot, coping, loving my boy, but coping.  And it was so much the coping with him, it was the coping with my emotions.

Sorry, this probably sounds like a total load of drivvel.  I really don't think SS will be taking your sisters baby away, if anything, her cry for help, should just encourage plenty of support.

Love,

Sue xxx

 

[casey]

Marie -
im a social worker and i acn assure no-one would think about taking you sisters baby away at this stage - they will probaberly look for some support
this could via a family centre or sure start - or more likely they will ask the health visitor to offer some enhanced support till your sis is back on her feet
it does sound like PND - she may need a lot of support over the next couple of months - if she's not feeling stronger in a couple of weeks she may need to see her gp and discuss if she needs anti-depressants
its sad that her partner and his family are not more supportive - and its sounds as tho they are taking advantage of her - maybe someone could be there when they come round so she has some support
if she was breastfeeing she was probaberly exhausted as well and needs to catch up on some sleep during the day- i do hope she is feeling better soon - at least she's got you and her mum to help her get back on her feet
let me know if you are still worried about SSD involvement
take care
caseyxxx

 

[KayH]

Hi Marie
I had PND when I had my daughter who is 3yrs now. Looking back the best thing you can do is give support. (help around the house as well as looking after the baby)
I had and still have problems with my In-laws but I think that in the end you learn to live with PND I don't think it completely goes away!
Just be there for your sister (on the end of a phone is sometimes just as good as being there in the flesh)
It will take a long time but she will get better
Kay

 

[Marielou]

Just wanted to post to thank you all for your lovely helpful posts.
I totally don't know anything about PND ~ but I do suffer with depression, so it can't be that different!
A health visitor has finally come out to see her today, and has prescribed her with some anti depressants and pointed her in the direction of a Teenage parents group to gain some support.
Also, it seems the time she mostly gets upset is 8~12pm, so Mum has kindly stepped in, and is looking after baby during those hours, so my sister can get some sleep or have some time to herself.   

The 'in~laws' are still causing huge problems ~ trying to feed baby solids (she's 22 days old!) and even trying to feed her cadburys buttons yesterday when my sister's back was turned! 

I'm going down there myself tomorrow, to give her some love and support. 

Thank you once again,

Marie xx