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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Sorry if I'm posting in the wrong place...
Just wondering if there are any others over 45 who are currently pregnant? I'm 18 weeks pregnant at the age of 46. This is my 3rd bubba after 6 miscarriages and at least 3 chemicals over the past 7+ years of ttc. I had my 1st naturally at 40, 2nd at 43 via IVF with my own eggs and this one was the last frozen embie from that cycle. It's a very much wanted and precious pregnancy and until recently, I was only concentrating on getting pregnant and staying that way. I didn't think of being older or being pregnant unusual as I've wanted to for so long and still breastfeeding my nearly 3-year-old. But after some (aka quite a bit of) negativity, I've started questioning and thinking differently, especially about the future. After all, there's some truth to the comments. How are you supposed to react to comments and maintain some humour and dignity?

I'm finding it hard to relate to some of the younger mums and mums-to-be on forums, so don't actively participate much. I would love to connect with a group of mums closer to my age who might better relate to pregnancy, birthing and the realities of being an older parent to young children.

Thanks for reading!
 

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I understand totally where you are coming from - you certainly are not alone!
I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old and am currently in my 2ww after having a 5 day blast transfer only yesterday and I'm wait for it 49!
I have been judged and put down praised and been patted on the back for what they say is madness - to me I am in heaven I love my life and wouldn't change it for the world - I don't do toddler groups as I'm not in my 20s and so I don't sit huddled in there young mums corner so at times feel very alone but my family mean everything and as I sit in my pupo stage I will if It works go through everyone's negativity again but am I bothered nah! Love to you xx
 

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Hi whirlygig,

Ah, if you can, ignore the negative comments.  People will always have an opinion on something, especially other's lives.  What's good for the goose, isn't always good for the gander as the old saying goes.

I'm 41, 1st pregnancy and a nurse, yes a nurse who should know better commented about 3 times during one blood test appointment how at my age, it's a big life changing event I'm about to experience. No s*it Sherlock. Surely at ANY age it's a life changing experience. 

Anyway, when you have negative comments you can either just smile, or try to answer with humour or literally tell the person you find their comment offensive and it's none of their blinking business.

As long as you're doing what's right for your family, that's all that matter and don't let others make you question that or wobble.

xxxxx
 

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I can totally understand how you're feeling, I go through it all the time! People can be so negative, but I think ignore them. I've had loads of positivity from friends, work colleagues and family so that's what I focus on. One of my colleagues was so happy for me, she cried when she found out I was pregnant first time. They've been so supportive. I go to groups and focus on the older mums (yes there are some at groups) and no one has  questioned me there. When I was pregnant, my midwife was very supportive and I didn't get real issues from any medical staff. At the end of the day, if you're happy with it it's nothing to do with them. I love my children, I've waited years to have them and am doing it alone as I'm single and no partner on the horizon, but wouldn't go back now. I had my first baby at 47, my son is now nearly 3, and was 49 when I had my daughter who is now 6 months. I had the milestone birthday of 50 in March, and am planning to go back for my 2 frosties later in the year to try for no 3. I love them and my life with them, so who cares what people think. It's our lives and we can be wonderful mums in our 40s and 50s. Let's all support each other on here.
Good on you girl. Good luck
 
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Hi Whirlygig

I'm not currently pregnant but had my first at 46 and my second at 49 (she is now 16 months) so can relate to how you are feeling.  As the others say try and ignore the negative or think of a simple response to let them know it's hurtful.  I don't know -I don't comment on your personal circumstances so please don't comment on mine or similar.

I've mainly had real positivity from people - although I do get mistaken for their grandmother at times.  And when I say actually I'm their mother the other person is usually very embarrassed and apologetic so I make a joke about it - but I do correct them if only to make sure they don't make assumptions again and inadvertently hurt someone else's feelings.

I do go to groups and have met a great bunch of older mums who I am now good friends with - although there is a 9 year gap between me and the next oldest as most are late thirties / early 40's.  Do you have a local breastfeeding support group?  I found some older mums there and more supportive younger mums.

Good luck - we're all here for virtual support.  And it's no-one else's business anyway.  And I for one feel I am a much better mother now than I would have been in my 20's or 30's and I can't be the only one.
 

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Good on you moragob. I know I need to learn how to respond when taken for my daughter's grandmother. I don't know why people need to comment on it. Fortunately I don't get it all the time, but it does upset me when it happens. I think the worst was when I was having lunch in a fish and chip restaurant with my elderly mother, my son was at nursery and I was holding my daughter. The manageress (who by the way is always a misery and is abrupt with customers) said to me 'who's baby is it?' I felt like saying I just found her in the street, but I responded 'She's mine' and she backed off. Needless to say, we don't eat there any more! I don't even know why she had to ask!
At groups, I am totally accepted and there are older mums there , obviously younger than me. A woman in a shop yesterday cheered me up when she actually asked 'how old is your little girl!' I could have kissed her! I interact a lot more with my children than some of the younger mums at groups, I take them to various groups, I play with them on the floor and I shower them with love. What does it matter about my age? I recently had a health check at GPs - the NHS over 40s screening and was told I was fit and healthy, and risk of cardio problems in next ten years, which they are assessing, which should be under 10 in score, my score was on 1.39% so fingers crossed.
I just feel angry at times that other people can put a dampener on their joy. I don't make judgements on other people in other ways, so no one has a right to do that to me.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thanks for your replies. Wish none of us had those bad experiences to spoil our joy of having families.
My obstetrician said, "did you know that you'll have a 14-year-old when you're 60? That's when you can normally retire, but you won't be able to for a while yet!" He then did say he had first time mums giving birth at 52, so I was young, really. Okay then...

Although I guess as we get older, we're more relaxed and confident and I normally don't care what others think or say, nor do I bother conforming. Must be my hormones playing up.

betty21, that's so exciting! Will you be testing early or wait for the blood test? I have my fingers and legs crossed for you! Do let us know how you go.
 

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I must admit I've never had any negative comments whatsoever. My DH has been asked years ago if he was the kids grandfather though!
He is 16 years older than me at 62. This has never been an issue for me as I consider age as being just a number rather than a state of mind. Gone are the days of women in their teens routinely having children like just after the war. Society has moved on and technological advances mean the average age of a first time mum is much older than even 20 years ago.
So I suppose what I'm trying to say is, although the world still consists of many ignorant people who oppose anything that wasn't 'socially acceptable' back in the 40's! Most of us have matured and moved on in a more enlightened way. You only have to look at how normalised gay marriage is now, thank goodness! We were still prosecuting gay men in the 70's for goodness sake! Mixed marriage was still frowned upon 30 years ago and single mothers were institutionalised.
So be proud that we are part of a progressive movement that is paving the way so future older mothers can have a family later in life without fear of judgement or stigma. :-*
 

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I'm fairly thick skinned Debs so usually let it wash over me and it is often someone talking to my daughter along the lines of - are you having a good day out with Nanny/Granny or aren't you a good girl helping Nanny/Granny so it's a sort of compliment I guess as they are being nice to my daughter.  Although I have also been asked is it Mums day off?  Ah NO I'm the Mum!  And I've never ever been asked who's baby is that and I think I'd react quite strongly if I was.  None of your bl**dy business lady.

Similarly I'm often one of the more active Mums at play groups and we do a huge range of activities. 

Lusitano - good points and I'm liking thinking if myself as a trailblazer.

One of my proudest moments as a mother was when a friend who was 39 at the time with a son the same age as my oldest said that she had been worrying about having a 2nd child due to her age but since meeting me she realised that it just wasn't an issue.  And as a result her daughter is 2 weeks older than my second daughter.  So I have been an inspiration - and we can all be.

I have also met and become friends with a couple of girls in their early 20's who worry about being too young so we are all at it.  Let's just help each other
 

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Sorry to gatecrash this but does anyone worry what their children might think about people thinking we are the grandmother though?  I am past caring now what people think - heard it all, positive and negative and as someone said, everyone has a view.  I am rarely mistaken for the grandmother, not so much because I don't look old enough I think but because my five year old daughter is normally shouting "mummee!" at the top of her voice, but when it does happen my immediate thought is for her and whether it is going to bother her (and my baby daughter) in the future.  I just don't know what I am going to say to my girls to make them feel any better about me being old(er) and I am also worried that in the future they are going to worry about me dying earlier than other mum.  Anyone else feel the same?
 

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HI Teddy - the short answer is yes and no.  Yes the girls might be upset/worried but no because that's just the way it is.  They could equally be upset if I was in a wheelchair or disabled in any other way, a different race to their friends mummies, single, divorced, gay, married, not married, religious, overly strict, overweight, working long hours etc etc.  All kids will find something different about their parents I think and all I can do is try and make them as secure in my love as I can to give them an inner confidence as they go through life. 

I told my daughter that some people just get confused and to be kind to them when she asked why the lady thought you were granny.  As far as dying early - who knows, my dad died at 54 when I was 26 so there are no guarantees anyway.  My 4 year old is talking about death a lot recently and last week  asked about BiLs dog going slowly, I said she is very old now so she walks slowly.  Daughter then said Bumper and Chrissie (her paternal grandfather and wife who were also with us) are quite old aren't they and you are quite old too. Elodie (baby sister) and I are the newest so we will die last won't we?  What else can you say but yes.  I did add that it will be a long time before any of us die.
 

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You are all so wonderful mums. Lusitano - I like the idea of being trailblazers! I'll take that forward!
Moragob - I think you're so wise with your comments and I do agree.
Teddy - I do wonder at times, but I think all we can do is be the best mums we can. Also, some younger mums look older than their years due to their lifestyle. All we can do is be supportive and try to answer questions as honestly and clearly as we can. After all, being a young mum is no guarantee to being around a long time, no one really knows what happens. I'm just going to be as fit and healthy as I can. I hope for the best. My mum is 88 now, my dad died at 84 and 3 of my grandparents died at 92, so hoping that's a good sign.
I think we older mums can give so much patience to our children.
By the way, I had a good day today - I went to the music group we go to on Fridays and as I know all the mums and grandmas who go, they're all friendly and no one doubts who I am and don't have an issue with it. They all accept I'm the mum. I've come to the conclusion that everyone who knows me is aware and doesn't have an issue and any outsiders who are ignorant enough to have an issue with it, are not worth bothering about!
 

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Yup 48 and six months pregnant over here. It's a lot different this time around than it was nearly 28 years ago the first time I did this. I tell my older boys that since they are light years away from settling down and giving me grandkids, I decided to have my own myself.  ;D  I don't worry that much about what people think..I was blessed with good genes and most people who don't know me think I am at least ten years younger. Most cannot believe I am nearly eight years older than DH.  I think that all of us are incredibly brave for putting our bodies through what we have to accomplish our dream. Kudos to all of you ladies.  I concur that at this age we have a lot more patience and wisdom to pass down to the little ones. Having one at this age totally motivates you to take care of one's health doesn't it? As others have said life is no guarantee, and we don't have crystal balls do we? It can be over for anyone at any moment. That is no reason to stop living.

Good luck to all with your pregnancies and enjoy the little ones for all who have already delivered.

Cheers!
-M
 

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So whirlygig just to let you know I did get a BFP! Xx
 

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Congrats betty!
 

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Thank you ladies for your comments on my post, sorry to be so late in acknowledging.  i feel better for having your input.  I think that having my girls so late has made me rather too aware of my own mortality but as MyreiE says, what greater incentive to try and keep fit and healthy?


Love to all you ladies - Betty 21 congrats on your BFP.


Teddy
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
MyreiE, I love that you're experiencing motherhood and pregnancy being a young mum and an older one. Seeing it from all angles must be amazing. What are the differences physically/mentally, do you think?
My 1st, I was perfectly fine energy-wise and worked til 4 days before giving birth. This pregnancy, I'm completely exhausted. Taking the washing downstairs is an effort!
 

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hi Whirlygig. I'm sorry that your previous attempts were unsuccessful.
I'm actually in the same boat now. I'm also 45 and it's my 19th week (via IVF with donor eggs). I've never been pregnant before and it was my first cycle ever and to tell you the truth, I didn't even expect it may work from the very first try. Re age I'm the same, I can't feel comfortable with young moms, so I prefer to be quite just like you. Want to ask you something about the age again..Recently I started to think that I'm...ahem..old. Not that I feel old, I just see how people react when they find out my age. It seems they are sure I will die in 5 years and leave my children alone. I'm trying bot to pay attention on them but these thoughts don't want to go out of my head.
I hope you are doing great xx
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Hi minerva71, congratulations!!! How fantastic you were successful on your 1st cycle.
I was also born in '71 (tho' am 46) and 20 weeks pregnant, due 8th Oct. Our bubs are really close in gestation/age!

My doubts came mainly from trying *not* to pay attention to the negative reactions. I was so happy and sure of wanting this bub and also not expecting to become pregnant, that I was purely focused on getting pregnant and staying pregnant. After that, little things started to niggle. But by deliberately not focusing on them, made me more aware and focus on them. It's made me lose confidence and I'm ashamed to admit- sometimes feel embarrassed that I'm pregnant at my age. (I'm sorry if this causes offence to anyone who reads this.)
I'd never felt old til now, and now isn't the time I should be doubting myself! ARGHHHH.

That all said, I try to take all reactions, particularly the negative ones, as reality checks. Everyone's entitled to their opinions. Yes, the statements might be true, but they are also someone's opinion. It doesn't mean it can't work out nor makes it our reality. We are the age that we are- no one can change that and we're happily and fortunate enough to be pregnant. We'll nurture and love our children as any mum does, if not with more passion because of how precious these bubs are.

I'm rambling... I guess I'm saying that I get what you're feeling, minerva71. You're not alone. :)

Hope you're doing great too!
 
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