[mixie29]

I am DR day 22  IVF using DS and my Husband told me last night that he no longer wants to carry on with the treatment.
Nothing to do with DS just doesnt want a child with me.
Our marriage is such a long story I'm all over the place and don't know what to do I've waited 8 years for this and thought he felt the same.

 

[LAURA H]

Hi,

Don't know what to say really but didn't want to read and run.

Bet your head is a right mess. Did your husband say it in the heat of the moment or do you think he has really thought it through? It's a bit late in the day for him to start saying he doesn't want a relationship when your so far into your treatment.xx

Laura x

 

[mixie29]

Hey Laura, thanks fpr replying, i wouldnt know what to say either and i didnt when he siad it it wasnt heat of the ,moment i know theres nothing can be said just really n eeded to get it off my chest and almost say it out loud if you like
thanks

 

[suitcase of dreams]

no advice to offer I'm afraid as I'm single and have been through tx on my own each time but didn't want to read and run
must be a terrible shock and I hope you can work things out one way or another

Suitcase
x

 

[mixie29]

thanks suitcase, fingers crossed for you x

 

[LAURA H]

I know this sounds a silly question. Sorry i am not upto date on all the terminaology and date et for IVF but is it possible for you to carrie on and go ahead with the IVF and would you want to without your husband?

 

[suitcase of dreams]

If using donor sperm, then yes, in theory you could continue with the IVF but I believe that there are legal implications in that if you are married and initially agreed to undergo tx together then your DH would be the child's legal father
Not sure if there is a way round this (ie he signs something to state he is no longer involved) - maybe post a question to Natalie on the Ask a Lawyer section

That said I suspect you need some time to think about this and weigh up all the options and rushing ahead with this tx attempt is probably not a good idea

Does your clinic have a counsellor? And would DH agree to meet with him/her? Sounds like you both need a chance to talk about this some more before decisions are made


Suitcase
x

 

[mixie29]

hey,
i am desperately trying to think over my options, i could carry on but he would have to be named on the birth certificate as he has already signed the forms as far as i am aware, so therefore would be legally responsible to pay child support etc, think i need to ask the lawyer can he rescind on the documents he signed before the actual egg transfer and possible pregnancy. I desperately want this baby if god will give it to me but i dont want to do this alone, so near yet so far, i feel like he's ripping my heart out, he's taking away the family we dreamt of for the last 8 years before i even get the chance to try and carry it in my belly.



he told me he said what he needed to say to avoid us having to go for more mandatory counselling before the clinic could progress, this is our one and only nhs attempt we never had the money to go private

 

[suitcase of dreams]

Ah, that changes things a bit if it's NHS because they won't treat single women so you won't be able to discuss with the clinic in that case
I think you need some legal advice on this one - def pop a post up in Ask a Lawyer and see if Natalie can help

So sorry you are having to go through this - you know your DH better than anyone else does, do you think he genuinely does not want this, or is he just scared and having a bit of a 'wobble' because it's now so close to actual tx? Very common for people to suddenly question what they are doing when tx becomes a reality
Hence why I thought some counselling (although perhaps not via the clinic for reasons above) might be an idea

Thinking of you

Suitcase
x

 

[LAURA H]

What a mess and at a time when you need to be as de-stressed as possible. My heart really goes out to you I hope this outburst isn't something your husband has taken easily.

Laura x

 

[pippilongstockings]

What a horrible situation for both of you  I agree with the others, would he go for counselling?  Is there any way you can put treatment on hold until things have resolved themselves one way or another?

 

[Mistletoe (Holly)]

Big hugs for you 

I too have a husband who blows hot and cold and changes his mind every week, so I know how hard it is.
We nearly got divorced 2 years ago and while separated I started treatment proceedings as  a single person. I was going to go ahead without his consent if I could not get the divorce through quick enough due to my age. He did change his mind in the end and wanted to have treatment with me. So I back tracked and he consented and said he would support me.

We had a cycle in 2009 and got pregnant - but then lost it at 16 weeks. He took it badly although he would never admit it, as he does not want to admit he was starting to accept a donor baby. Then this year I have tried again and am pregnant again and he is being really off and cold. I had to beg him to sign the consent and he is now saying he might be at work or in Glastonbury when I give birth!

I am starting to regret going back with him now!

The things I found out from a personal meeting with Natalie Gamble (she saw people at my clinic) is that the good news is that you are in control of any created embryos as it is your eggs and the donor's sperm. It is not DH's gametes so your husband has no say in whether they are destroyed or not.

The way I see it is that you have a few options to consider. You could either abandon this cycle and sort out the relationship one way or another, go ahead with the treatment and create the embryos and have them frozen for later use on your own (need to check this is possible - but it is yours and donor's gametes and I think your DH's part of the consent applies to replacement in the uterus - because that is when a cycle could result in a pregnancy that he is legally responsible for - I could be wrong), or keep going and see if he comes around.

It is a bit of a mess though and a difficult one for you both.

Men do my head in! What is wrong with them? Maybe I should say some of them?

Suitcase - you have the right idea - doing it alone without their complications and spanners in the works!

 

[carrie lou]

Mixie honey I am so so sorry  What a terrible situation for you. I'm afraid I don't really have any advice or any words that can make things better - I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and send you lots of  . I hope things work out for you one way or another.

 

[♥JJ1♥]

So sorry you are having difficulties, I would speak to the clinic staff the should also ask a counsellor you can see - perhaps halt the cycle atm as you've not started stimming etc and address the issues between you or could you freeze your eggs on the cycle not embryos and then at a later date either fertilise them with donor or his sperm.
I am not sure if the reason you are having IVF are female or male issues or both, but if it is male factor then you say that you could afford to pay privately but there are places that give free IVF for egg sharing etc, and the Lister at the moment are offering free IVF cycles to 22 couples in a draw, and abroad in some countries it is much cheaper.

My understanding is that either one of you can withdraw consent at any stage.  I would read some of the threads on the Relationships thread and see what a mess can ensue later for the men that never wanted to go through with it.

IVF is stressful enough without added pressure, the same if you do get pregnant.
As a single woman I haven't had those issues i' m afraid.

 

[daisy70]

Mixie,

So sorry to hear about your situation, it is just so cruel for this to happen when you are so close to the treatment.

Did you keep copies of all the consent forms - maybe they include some info about what happens if one partner changes their mind?

Private treatment is prohibitively expensive so I can understand that this isn't an option but some of the clincs abroad are significantly cheaper than the UK, although obviously that introduces some other issues such as anonymity of donors.

I really hope you find a way to do this on your own and make your dreams come true.

Daisy70 xx