Fertility Friends Support Forum banner
1 - 8 of 8 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
178 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi,
I've been posting on the ivf forum for a while, but this is my first time here. DH and I had an unsuccessful round of ivf last year, and are due to try again in March. We've been ttc for 2 years, but had actively considered adoption before we went down the ivf route. At the time, dh still wasn't too sure about it, so we thought we'd give ivf a go. IVF has been so traumatic, we're not sure we can go through it again if this round doesn't work. It's been extremely hard, but we're now ready to accept that we'll probably never have a child that looks like us. However, we're not ready to give up on the idea of never being a Mum and Dad.

Problem is, we know nothing about adoption. We have a friend who was adopted in the 1960s, and I've worked with looked after children in my job, but that's it. Ethically, it all seems very strange to us, the idea of picking and choosing what 'sort of' child you'd be prepared to acccept, and we have no idea what might be reasonable.

I'm 36, and dh is 45. We'd love to have more than one child, (incl siblings), and we'd both really prefer a little girl, and preferably younger than about 6 or so. I'm so ashamed to say this, but I really don't think we could cope with a child with disabilities  :-[

I'm sure LAs vary significantly, but does anybody know whether these are broadly reasonable requests? Also, do any of you know how likely we are to be considered for a child out of our own ethnicity? (we're both white)

Sorry if this is garbled. We'd appreciate any advice.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,692 Posts
HI

Just a quick post I'm afraid, rushing to get ready for school & work.

I would suggest looking at the BAAF website, Adoption UK (though the message boards can seems a bit negative at times) and any websites locally to you, ie your LAs pages on adoption etc.  The BAAF site will give you a list of agencies in your area and generally you can go to any within a 50 mile radius.  There are some good books for those thinking of adoption from BAAF, 'Adopting A Child' by jenifer Lord and 'Approaching Fatherhood' by Paul May for hubby.

Request some info packs, they won't contact you to chase you up, it is very much left for you to approach them when/if you decide to.  Many agencies want a 6 month gap between last tx and starting the process.

Information evenings (you generally have to be invited to one) are a good way of getting a basic idea and then you can request a home visit to find out more and for them to ask you questions.  The fact you'd be interested in siblings would be a benefit, there are lots of children under 5 that need adopting.  The prep course and even the home study are all designed to help you work out what issues you could cope with as a family and towards the end of HS you fill in a matching proforma that SWs can then match you from.  It covers all sorts from needing glasses to being completely blind, different illnesses or medical needs, life limiting illnesses, drugs etc etc etc.  You would need to answer this honestly but a lot of it turns out to be 'will consider' because of the huge varying range of the same issue.  This bit seems a bit surreal at the time but when you come to reading cprs (children's reports) the choosing of a child becomes a bit 'odd' but necessary.

Anyway, hope that has helped a bit.  Good luck with your future tx, I hope it works out for you.
OT x
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
511 Posts
Hi There

Just been reading your post with interest.

We are in a similar boat to you, as we had first round of ICSI at christmas, unfortunately it failed.  We have a follow up meeting tomorrow, and like you found the whole experience so traumatic that I'm not looking forward to another go, and I think if this one fails this is where we draw the line due to emotional, finance and age (I'm 38, DH 43) and I have started to look in to adoption.  I did call them during treatment when I had some time off, and as old timer said they do want a 6 month gap when last TX finishes and going to an open evening as they want you to draw a line under treatment and be emotionally ready to move on.

It's also a bit daunting looking at the adoption process, but like you am thinking am going to have to face that fact that may never be a Mum naturally but not ready to draw the line at not ever having children at all so we are looking at this seriously and think that maybe we aren't destined to have children of our own, but are maybe meant to offer another child a good solid life, so be interested to talk to others about their views/journeys etc
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
178 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Thanks for your comments. We’ve spent some time looking at the relevant websites – our LA doesn’t have much on their site, but we’ve been on bemyparent, action for children, etc etc.

I think the thing that really concerns us is whether what we ideally ‘want’ is actually reasonable (if you know what I mean) and we’re reluctant to completely close the door on ivf, if a SW is likely to say we’re too fussy and too busy to adopt.

We both have quite demanding jobs in education (it swings in roundabouts, but we can work long hours – although usually from home), and I suppose at 36 and 45, we’re not particularly young! (especially if it takes 2 years or so). Although I suspect wanting to consider 2 children would go in our favour, we have no idea whether a SW would think we’re being unreasonable to prefer a girl no older than 6, and we don’t really want a child with severe disabilities (especially given our ages).
We’ve looked on some of the sites, and some of the children we both seem more automatically drawn to are either mixed heritage or afro-carribbean, but we’re both white. I know minority ethnic children tend to have to wait longer to be adopted, but I don’t know whether we would even be considered (we live in a predominantly white area).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,692 Posts
Hi

For all intent and purposes you do need to be able to concentrate on the process 100% and doing ivf as well would be a huge stress and also a waste of SS time and money if you got pg and then had to stop the process.  I know a number of people who have gone back to ivf after adopting and I have thought about it myself a number of times but its not something I would have shared with SW as being a possibility in the future.

LAs have all the children and any that they can't place with in-house adopters then get advertised via BMP or CWW, local consortiums or VAs.  The children that go out to these other 'places' tend to be harder to place which could mean being older, a sibling group or having more medical needs etc.  Some of these children will have no major issues but will be harder to place simply because they are over 5 or part of a sibling group.  To get the least 'complicated' child/ren I would go through a LA, after a few months you can also look outside the LA but there are shortages of adopters and the only real waits seem to be for 0-18 months and there are generally fewer girls than boys for adoption. 

There are all sorts of children that need loving homes, yes, some of them do have disabilities and some have huge medical needs or behavioural problems BUT there are also a lot of children that with the right love and care can learn to trust adults and live very normal lives, they are very resilient and we were totally amazed at how quickly our DS attached and settled into our family. 

When you are ready to find out more, phone some agencies and ask about ages, genders etc etc to get a feel for which agency would best meet your needs, theres no point going with an agency that is only looking for people to adopt 5yrs + if you want pre-school.

In terms of adoption you are not going to be considered old!

There has been new legislation regarding adopting children from different ethinicity that is supposed to make it easier for white people to adopt a child from a different culture/race but its down to individual agencies and even SWs as to whether this will be acceptable.

OT x
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
178 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6 ·
OT, thank you so much for such a detailed response! It was really, really helpful. Thank you.
I'll keep people posted on our progress.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
511 Posts
Thanks for all the information here, it's been very helpful to us too.

We aren't young (I'm 38 and hubby 43) but when I spoke to them they actually said that I was younger age for adoption than most as average is early 40's!  We are a mixed race couple, so guess we may actually have that in our favour, my husband is indo-carribean and I'm white, we live in a very mult cultural area, and think there is probably a lot of mixed race children needing adoption in this area.

It's all very daunting, and as you I guess we would be wanting the 'perfect' scenario but know that doesn't necessarily exist, so guess we need to delve and chat further.

Our LA won't touch us until 6 months after last tx - as you say I think this is to have gone through the emotional side of things and they obviously want to make sure that you are totally 100% committed to adoption.

Haven't started to look in to the work side of things, but someone did mention to me they say one of you has to give up work?  I actually run my own business, so could look at getting other people to take over some of the things - hubby has a more stable regular job than me fortunately!

Thanks for the advice and info it's great to hear others thoughts and positive stories

xx
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,215 Posts
Hi Alice and Chadwick

Sorry to hear about your BFN's  :(  It's a tough decision deciding what to do (been through it! :)) but I'm so glad I made it :)

Alice - it is normally preferable for the mum to be at home for at least a year after adoption, at least that's the impression I get. Like you I am self employed and work from home and that has not been a problem for me. I have some work lined up already and they seem happy with that as long as DH can look after them on those days (I am a wedding photographer).

As for the problems that children have, BMP and CWW normally tend to be the children that are harder to place as the others have said. We have indicated we would not take on any serious health problems and LA seem fine with that. Obviously there will be problems relating to neglect, attachment etc, but I don't think any agency will get you to take on problems you can't deal with as they want the matches to work. However, best to go with a LA than a voluntary agency if you don't want to take on or are unsure about taking on siblings or more significant health problems as they have their own pools of children of which most of them never go on BMP or CWW.

As for ages each LA seems to be different, we were told by two LA's the youngest they could place was 5 and 7, which really put me off! But then got in touch with my LA that don't seem to have problems placing younger kids. Ring around all your LA's - I nearly gave up at one point!

Alice - there are lots of mixed race children so you would be snapped up very quickly!! Not that many mixed race couples looking to adopt although I think the law may be changing soon that white couples will be more able to adopt mixed race kids.

Hope this helps, good luck!

p xx
 
1 - 8 of 8 Posts
Top