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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi girls,
I have just joined you following my first BFN last Friday.
we (me 33 DH 37) have unexplained fertility following 3 years TTC and decided to go down the IVF route.
During this first IVF cycle I was the happiest person in the world.
Finally I felt I'm in control of my own future... had almost no side effects to begin with, kept brave just before EC when it got quite rough physically, and emotionally- I felt so stable and calm like I have never been throughout my entire adult life.
It all started going downhill after the egg collection: from 17 follicles only 7 eggs found and I was called in on day 3 for ET. Decided to go with single embryo transfer. I had 2 B graders and was told I had 40% with one put back or 50% with two having 50% chance of twins. Of course now I regret not putting them both in as the one didn't make it and the other could not be frozen.
Now that it's all over I have discovered that I need to wait 3 months before the next cycle and am completely gutted!
How do you pass the time until the next cycle? I work from home quite a lot and find it really hard to concentrate, cry a lot, with alternating feelings of anger, sadness, depression, desperation... I also start fights with poor DH keep on blaming him for not supporting me enough and being a part of this process, I just don't know what to do anymore!
I read through previous discussions and you are all so brave and strong! Please tell me the secret...
 

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Hi Mel,
It will get better, trust me. We had our first cycle in October/November and had a bfn on the 5th December. The first 2 weeks after we found out were terrible for us, really much, much worse than we'd imagined but it has got better. Similar to you, we also have to wait a long time before we can try again, and won't be starting again until April.

You and dh have to be really tight together through this. It's such a difficult thing to go through, and you really need to be there for each other. Dh and I are extremely strong, and have been together for 15 years, but it still suprised me how badly this affected him. My dh didn't know how to react, didn't know what to do, so he froze slightly. He did support me, but he became very quiet and uncommunicative. Remember, this is really hard for your dh too, and no one really knows how to react in circumstances like this. We're all learning as we go along, and sometimes we get it wrong. I really feel for you right now. I remember how I felt 2 weeks ago. I was crying all the time, and the slightest thing would set me off, nothing seemed quite worth bothering with.

We've got through this by trying to focus on something else. We know we won't be able to try again until April, so we're focusing on each other, buying each other very small presents and remembering why we fell in love, etc. It sounds really silly when you write it down, but we figured we have a few months to recover and get strong together before it all starts up again. It will get better, but try and get through this together.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thank you so much, it is so comforting to know that I'm not alone. And I just love your attitude towards it - it is really healthy and natural to stick together and focus on each other.
On Friday, I was alone all day following the discovery and when DH got home we had plans and he managed to drag me out without really talking about it, which was actually a good thing as we met friends and had a few laughs and even a drink which was quite refreshing! I was alone all weekend, not my DH fault but that's how things turned out. Just wandered around the house feeling numb and this week doesn't look much different.
During the cycle and long before it I was keeping so well not touching alcohol, caffeine and even sugar and the past few days it all turned on its head.
But you are right! I am not going to let myself sink and will go with your suggestions. Already I have some ideas for little surprises and romantic evenings. This is really not so difficult at all to do and can only improve my feeling and poor DH feeling who thinks that I've gone mad  ^idiot^
Thank you so much...
 

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One thing that completely has turned my life around from severe clinical depression due to 10 years of infertility, a near divorce because of it and a second trimester miscarriage, to happiness, a wonderful group of understanding friends and an ongoing pregnancy, is the mind body program at the Bridge Centre.

It is based on the work of Alice Domar - an Amercian doctor who has researched the stress and depression associated with infertility.
By regularly doing the relaxation techniques, having the coping strategies, reading her books and having that support group, I think it has made all the difference.

I would thoroughly recommend taking part in such a program - there are others springing up - I know my own clinic - the London Womens Clinic has recently started something similar.

If you can't take part physically, then Alice Domar's books give you much of the information you need and are a great comfort in themselves. You can also get relaxation CDs, go to yoga classes and meditation to reduce the stress and anger that you feel.

The program has good evidence based research to show that it improves IVF success chances by 20% and lifts depression.

Having experienced a turn around to my life I would have to agree.
 
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