[Milktray]

Hi All

I was just wondering how many of you that have adopted already, had a sibling group as your first adoption and also what age they were?

We are thinking of adopting a sibling group, but we are not sure a) whether we could handle no children to suddenly having two!!  b) whether it would be better to concentrate on giving just one child the care and attention that they deserves or if they would be better having a brother or a sister with them ........

One day I will make up my mind!!

T x

 

[Barbarella]

Hi T

We are asking ourselves the same questions.  We have no idea whether to be assessed for a group or just one and have the same issues as you.  We have spent 8 years telling ourselves that our life is brilliant without children (or is that convincing ourselves) and have done our very best to live our life to the full... and the thought of 2 children suddenly fills us with fear.  However, we wonder if it would be best for any prospective children to be together, and have each other to talk to as they grow up.

And also... not sure if I should confess to this, but it may be easier to get a baby within a sibling group, although that sounds a dreadful thing to say...

Hmmm... it's a toughy... looking forward to some replies from those who have done it.

Cxx

 

[alex28]

Barbarella

im with you on the baby thought and this was confirmed to me by a SW although she did say that our LA has placed lots of babies recently so you never can tell.

We have thoughts that if we have 2 placed with us we will wonder when their parents will come and take them home again  as after being childless for so long it will be a huge life changer to suddenly have children in your house that dont go home with mummy and daddy when they leave!!

 

[morgana]

T

We too thought long and hard about a sibling group and have decided we would consider two siblings. It basically came down to the fact that we wanted two anyway and decided it would be lovely to have siblings rather than adopt one and then later another. Also from a selfish point of view it means only dealing with one birth family and would hopefully save problems having 2 children from different backgrounds.

Hubby and me are happy to consider an open adoption where there is some contact with the birth parents and I think it would just get too mad if we were having visits with two seperate families.

Age is not really an issue with us as we are going for 2 under ten years although it would be nice to have a little one in that for the fun of having the toddler years (yikes who am I kidding make them 8 +9) no I jest, any age is good for us will just be happy to get to the end of the adoption journey and for the family journey to begin.

Morgana x

 

[alex28]

I quite agree, after all that most of us have gone thru i think we would feel honoured and grateful for whatever comes our way - we just to be mummies!!

 

[superal]

Hi Milktray

I'm glad you posted this thread as it has brought to mind many questions that other people have dared not ask..if that makes sense!

As you know I am an adoptive Mum of two, who are not part of a sibling group.

When we were first approved to adopt we were approved to adopt one child age 0 - 5 years.  We didn't think we could handle having two children under the age of five suddenly in our lives..........I'm being very honest here, it is a huge shock to your system!

Imagine our surprise when we found out the couple who were approved at the same time of us got twins! (they were the same age as our DS)  We had very mixed emotions and wondered if we had done the right thing by saying only one!

Surprise number two:-  Our DS had a brother who was being placed for adoption at the same time & we asked if we could be considered for being his adoptive parents as well, we didn't think it was fair that they were being separated.

Our SW said that both boys had such different needs that it had been very hard to find a family to take on both boys and the decision had been made to split them up, although contact would still be on going with both boys.

Our SW told us very truthfully that although it was a lovely thought it was actually better for both boys to go to different sets of parents.  Our DS is full of energy and is always on the go, his brother was the complete opposite.

I look back now and know that we made the right decision of only adopting one at the time, our DS was 3 1/2 when placed with us and he brought us so much love and joy we were proud to be his parents.  He was hard work at times though but he wouldn't be "normal" if he didn't throw a tantrum!

When you adopt the child who is placed with you, he/she doesn't come with a manual to tell you how to be a parent, you learn as you go along, that's part of the fun of it! (HONEST!!)  I think I would have found it hard to deal with two boys with such different needs ......I'm being honest, I'm sure if you listen to the people who have adopted a sibling group they will tell you differently........going form none to two can be fun, just a little bit harder when you've got two demanding your time, that's when your good network of family & friends comes in very handy, to help you out.

We adopted our DD when she was a baby & our DS would be 7 1/2years old at the time & we found him such a big help to us, he loved looking after her & giving her kisses and cuddles, some thought it was to much of a big age gap but I don't agree.  He didn't think for one moment that this baby was not his sister, he gets very protective of her, that's BIG brothers for you!

Reference contact with BP'S,thing's can so easily change as I am finding out at the moment.  Our DS, BM does no longer want her yearly contact letter & our DD, BP's have moved & not forwarded on an address to their SW, so at the moment it looks like I will not be doing yearly contact letters for either of MY children.

Sorry I've gone on & on but you did ask!!!!!!!!   I hope in some ways all my going on has helped.

My only advice to you is go with your heart......you know at the bottom of your heart what is right for you & only you can make that decision.

I wish you luck in making what is a very hard decision, one that is going to change your life for the better, You'll love being a Mummy.

From one Mummy to all you Mummies to be, good luck & don't give up.

Love
Andrea

 

[morgana]

Andrea

What a lovely post...you gave the best advice of all....go with your heart....well said

And you are so right about the BP thing everybody grows and changes and what was right in the beginning does not always stay the same. Thanks for sharing those thoughts with us.

Morgana x

 

[cindyp]

Hi T

We were originally approved for 2 children 0-5.  We decided that we wanted more than one child and also thought that it would be easier to get a younger child if we went for a sibling group.  Also we didn't fancy having to go through the adoptive process again to get another child.  As it has happened we have now adopted our son and currently have just the one child.  However he sounded so good (and has lived up to his description  ) that we felt that although we originally wanted 2 children it would be foolish to let him pass us by. 

Andrea is right, the reality of having a toddler is that it is hard work, it's now quarter past midnight and I've spent the evening ironing after having spent the day coping with a poorly child and changing 9 pooey nappies  .  Our son is always on the go and although we love him to bits he can be quite wearing.  I've looked after my sisters children in the past and it is harder looking after more than one child as there is no opportunity for a break by passing the child to your partner. Nevertheless we have not totally decided against having another child, although my DH sometimes wonders if he has any energy left to cope with another one especially as he will be 43 this year.

I think you have to go with your heart but be realistic at what you think you can handle.

Good luck
Cindy

 

[Milktray]

Thanks for all your replies - they have been a huge help!

Andrea - you didn't go on at all, very honest great advice!!

Going from none to 2 is exactly what has been on my mind re being able to cope, not just emotionally but financially.....

In the end we said to our SW that we wanted 0-3 and that we would consider a sibling group but that we realise the chances of having one in that age range was extremely slim.

We still keep questioning whether this is the right decision, but she said that we have until the point at which we hand in our application form to change our minds....

T x

 

[Vanilla]

Hi

Thanks for starting that thread. Everyone's advice was amazingly helpful. Andrea you didn't go on at all, I was totally engrossed .

Vanilla x

 

[KarenM]

We were told that by going with a sibling group, we would have a better chance of adopting a smaller child.  We had always originally said, one now and one later but then they told us about siblings having a bond and you might not necessrily have them related if you did it separately.

e were approved for 2 under 3's and stipulated that we wanted at least one boy (DH and I both desparately wanted a son).  When we got matched to our girls they were 8 months and 20 months, but they were almost 2 and 1 when they moved in with us.  We were given they're details and like Cindy felt they were too good an opportunity to pass up so we let our dream of having a son go and now have our girls.

Good luck
Karen x

 

[Milktray]

Hi Karen

Your point about stipulating a son is really interesting.  I didn't realise that you could stipulate?  I have to say hand on heart I long for a daughter, but of course will not pass up on a boy if he sounds right for us!

T x

 

[superal]

Hi Milktray

Just to pick up the fact that you were asking Karen about stipulating a son/daughter.

We also wanted a son first & although we never actually came out and said that our SW knew us so well, she put in our form that we had a slight preference for a boy, knowing dam well that it was a son we wanted first.

Your SW will get to know you so well, they will know what your heart desires.

I have to agree with Karen though, if a situation arose like hers, perfect age of two children & the same sex & not a boy, I would have done exactly the same thing!(Karen doesn't regret for one moment she's got 2 lovely daughters)

 

[Milktray]

Hi Superal

Thanks for your response 

fingers crossed that we will get a good SW that really understands us.

No matter how many or of what gender we are all placed with it, is all meant to be  and I am really happy for those of you that have their beautiful children home forever - here's hoping our turn will come soon.......!

T x