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Hi everybody

Any other single 40-somethings here? I'm feeling very alone and very overwhelmed.

I thought that I was going to meet the right guy to start a family with. I only started letting that dream go after my 43rd birthday earlier this year and began thinking about whether or not to have kids alone.

And then in August (43.5!) I looked up the stats for my age and got some bloods done. And it was devastating. Super low AMH (1.8 pmol). No time left. And probably chromosomally abnormal eggs (who knew that that happens in your 40s??! Not me! Why didn't my Dr tell me when I went in for tests when I was 40?! I feel so stupid about the not knowing.), and who knows what else.

I'm feeling panicked and overwhelmed. I was ambivalent about having kids anyway* but now my choice seems to be either throw everything I have at a chance that is vanishingly small, or giving up, now, on having a kid that is genetically mine, and when I think about that my heart breaks. Everything feels impossible right now.

(*ambivalence.. I'm an artist. It's the only career that has ever given me fulfilment, I'm finally getting established, and I'm not sure how the f*ck I can keep doing that and raise a kid alone; I'm also in the UK while my whole family is in Canada.. and even then, my parents are both in their 80s and not able to support. I always thought that kids would happen in my life, with a partner, and it's something that I more-than-not-wanted.. but my feelings about it are complicated.)

I've booked in a consult and hysteroscopy at Serum. But everything feels like it's happening too quickly AND I'm so aware of time passing me by.

Also totally freaked out about donor sperm. I'm choosy as hell about the men I date... and here I am, about to pick the father of a potential child based on the barest of all identifying features.

I've got a few supportive friends that I've opened up to about this, but the ones who don't have kids have chosen that and are happy about it, or they're still in their 20s (I'm so jealous of their eggs 😥), and the rest have kids. I feel like the people I'm close to just can't relate.

I've also got an awesome therapist. Who helps me with the chronic anxiety disorders that I've got, on top of everything. Trying to not think too much about how bad stress is for fertility 😱.

I keep waking up with adrenaline thinking about how old I am now. I never felt old until I started looking into all of this. It's so hard.

Anyway.. just really hoping to connect with some other 40+ singles who are as scared or confused as I am.. or who maybe have gone through that and are on the other side?
 
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