Fertility Friends Support Forum banner
1 - 8 of 8 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
12 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi everyone,

So pleased I've found this site as I've been driving DH mad by keeping talking about it all, and although I have one amazing friend who listens to it all and keeps it to herself it must get a bit dull!

I'm 35 but still in denial - have wanted children most of my adult life, but took a while to find the right DH. DH 41, TTC since DH's reversal Sept 2003. It took me 4 yrs to convince him a reversal was a good idea, but once he agreed he became fully commited. Unusually the surgeon recommended no follow up SA. Obviously we were told odds weren't great but you still hope don't you?

By last July we thought we'd 'explore' things a bit. Gutted when SA came back with total of 10 dead ones! He was recommended a repeat in a few months, and after much heartache we tentatively started exploring ICSI.

Saw fertility consultant who was great and as repeat SA showed some now there he recommended freezing some as an 'insurance policy' in case the disappearing act happened again so ICSI would be easier. It seems quality variable and numbers varying from 5 mill to 9 mill, but noone knows why.
We are just beginning IUI with clomiphene so maybe...if not then I guess we will try our luck with ICSI.

I feel so lucky to have a wonderful, vivacious teenage step daughter who alternately drives us mad and makes us laugh when she's here, but I'm not sure it makes this stuff any easier, especially as I missed her real childhood years. It's so hard to come to terms with the randomness of life, and when you feel low but have to pretend everything's fine it makes work seem impossible some days. Sometimes I just feel really angry.

Anyway, I wish everyone a big dose of good luck,

Claribel xxx




 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
14,889 Posts
Hi Claribel,
I love your name, my dad used to call me that! Nice to have you on board.  I'm sure you'll find everything you need here - it has been a total lifeline to me.  And it's kept me off DP's back too!

Your story struck a chord with me about being in denial, wanting children but taking a while to find the right person.  Me too.  only thing is, I have the fertility issues, not DP, so there you go! Life always chucks something at you!
I also have step children and although I adore them there's something very differently fulfilling about having your own. 
Anyway if you'd like to chat or ask any questions, please just let me know. Send me a PM.

There's a male factor ICSI thread which may interest you, the IUI girls thread or you could join the 'chitter chatters' thread for people who are in between treatments. I'm sure you'll find your way around soon enough!

Best of luck,
claire x




 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
862 Posts
Hi Claribel
I don't know too much about your particular situation but just wanted to say Hello  ^hello^
I am glad that you have a good relationship with your SD, I have a 16 yr old one too, but she has not been in our lives for very long and I am still struggling to accept her, maybe I will learn to appreciate her given time
Take care and good luck in your quest
Dydie
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Hi Dydie,

Thanks, I hope things get easier for you its such a sticky area, particularly if she's not been around for long and I think our own fertility issues make it harder to bear at times.
I've been very lucky with my SD, and the fact that her mum has encouraged her to accept me a bit has helped, but I would say its taken 5 or 6 years of ups and downs. I still forget that at 16 she is still a child in many ways, (though she wouldn't agree!) so is liable to be unreasonable, irrational and all those other things, but in the end the good bits make up for it. I have a book on teenage psychology that I go and read when it all seems hard - apparently its all to do with the way their brains are developing rather than them just being a pain on purpose! I try to think of her more as a favourite niece, as it takes the pressure off a bit. I also make sure I pack my DH and SD off for time on their own regularly. It felt hard at first and I horrified myself by feeling possessive about him, but I think it has helped her to feel important to her dad again, and that helps the whole situation.

Funny enough my SD was telling us the other day that when I started seeing my DH (she was 10 at the time) she used to give me the odd set of cutlery when she laid the table for dinner to make me feel left out. All three of us were in fits of laughter about it when she said, particularly as I didn't even notice at the time. Now it has become a family joke - but I think it just shows how their minds work.

The good thing is that most of us grow through these difficult relationships, and any of us that have survived them will have no fear of the teenage stage again if we are lucky enough to have our own one day!

Stick with it and don't expect much back for a while and keep telling yourself it will get better. Goodluck with everything,

Claribel xxx
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
862 Posts
Hi Claribel
Thanks for your words of encouragement, my troubles with SD are a little different from most people as DH met her for the first time at the same time as I did !!
DH has never had anything to do with her up until June last year, her birth Mum was already in a new relationship before she was even born and she and her family made it very clear to DH that he was not welcome, her birth Mum and her partner adopted her as soon as she was born, so i suppose we should think ourselves lucky that at least we didn't have to worry about maintenance payments  ;)
But Dh got a letter from SD's Mum in June last year, saying she was now 16 and had a "missing piece" in her life and wanted to get to know her biological father.
Me & DH had been up to that point plodding along quite happily on our own, I thought we had accepted our lot of not having children of our own but this letter threw me into turmoil, I suddenly realised that I had been kidding myself and that I was not ready to give up on my dreams of being a Mum, the green eyed monster raised its head again and I fell apart, me & DH argued REALLY badly for months, then he finally admitted that he did want to see his daughter "just out of curiosity". I went along with it beacuse I knew I had to, but inside I was a mess  :'(
On the first visit I had the joy of meeting his EX as well as his daughter, I am a jealous person and not only was I meeting my husbands daughter but I had to meet the mother of his child too  :mad:
To cut a very long story short at the second meeting a week later things moved on very quickly, and SD ended up staying the night, she bonded with me far quicker than she did with DH and I felt like the go-between as time moved on I found they began bonding and I was needed less and less, seeing her cuddle up to him on the sofa, hearing them say "I love you" to each other was like a knife through my heart, she was staying EVERY weekend, I ended up bottling up all my feeling because each time I tried to talk to DH it ended in an argument, and in the end I snapped and in NOV I took a massive overdose  :'(
I am now on antidepressants and having counselling, but the feelings are still there, I tried to have a break from his SD for a while but DH's Mother got involved and caused trouble and things went back to how they were before within 3 days of me coming out of hospital, I am now bottling things up again and am worried what the outcome will be.
I feel as though me & DH are no longer on even ground, before SD came onto the scene we were childless together if you know what I mean and now he has his daughter. I know most of my feelings are in part natural and in part way over the top but I can't seem to stop them from entering my head.
sorry this was soooo long, I guess I just had to get it off my chest
Luv
Dydie xx
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Hi Dydie,

Sorry it has taken so long to get back to you - and even sorrier to hear what you have been through, it must be so difficult; almost like having to share your DH with another woman. Like you say you know you had to go along with it, but so difficult, and meeting the mother too, you are such a strong, brave person to do that and to mediate between your DH and SD. I hope that things will improve for you and they will both start to move on and put their relationship in proper perspective (ie that adults-even newly found dads- are boring and its time for her to get on with her life). Could you get DH to consider couples counselling? it is something that I know would have helped my DH and myself if I had pushed him into it a few years ago when he was focusing everything on my SD, and I often wish I had as it would have sorted the problems out quicker. Perhaps you could say it had been recommended as part of your counselling?

Don't ever think that your reactions are over the top; we are the people we are and you have just as much right to your feelings as they have to theirs. I feel angry for you that your DH and SD were kept apart for so long as the situation would have been much easier for you if she had been around for years instead of being thrown at you now. Hold on to your dreams and hopes and don't let anyone take them from you; sometimes sheer stubborness and refusal to allow others to damage your relationship works where other things fail. The old 'wicked stepmother' story has so much to answer for, it makes us feel self-critical  when we are actually behaving rationally. (Ask yourself what your DH would have done if positions were reversed in some way?)

Although you have had seriously bad times you must try to believe that you can and will get through this and, whatever happens, one day you will feel better again. I think you have coped amazingly with a situation that I suspect I would have just walked away from, so that alone shows your strength of mind.
If you want to get any of this stuff off your chest in future as it happens then feel free to rant about it here,

take care of yourself,

Claribel xxx
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
862 Posts
Thank you so much Claribel for letting me bring all this on you, and for your kind words, I thought I was doing OK but I am having counselling at the moment and it is dragging up all the emotions again, I am finding out all sorts of reasons as to why I am so threatened by SD which go back into my early childhood, if it were not for the counselling I never would have realised WHY I am this way, and I would have continued to believe everyone else...that I was being spoilt & selfish...so it's nice to understand that there are reasons for the way I am behaving....trouble is I can't get my DH to understand and he still thinks I am being a bi**h to his long lost daughter... We attempted talking about this subject again last night, and his instincts were again worried about his daughters feelings in all this....WHY CAN'T HE BE WORRIED ABOUT MY FEELINGS FOR A CHANGE  :'(
Whenever he puts her feelings first it makes me feel even worse, as though she is winning..I know that sounds irrational but I can't help it...DH has angrily offered to never see his daughter again for me, and he can't understand why this too is not an option for me, he seems to think that he would be making me happy by never seeing her again, I tried to explain to him that I am stuck firmly between a rock and a hard place on one hand we see his daughter which makes me feel terrible and forces me into a big act and on the other hand we don't see his daughter and he spends the rest of his life "wondering" what she is up to and I spend the rest of my life feeling guilty....not really much of a choice is it?

My counsellor asked me the other day if it was that "I can't accept her or Won't accept her" after much thinking I believe it's a bit of both, I am really angry that my DH has chosen to bring her into my life even though he knew how upset I was right at the beginning, she is a complete stranger to both of us but WHO she is represents a massive threat to me, because I am not sure if I will ever be able to have a child of my own.
I also resent her for intruding in my life, which was pretty damn good before she came along, my infertility was not such an issue because me and DH were in it together....the ground is no longer level....he is now a Dad but I am still not a Mum.

SD is a very immature 16 yr old and at the moment her new Dad is the best thing since sliced bread, she is typically crafty at playing me off against him, as she knows that I am the soft touch, she uses me to get what she wants, my counsellor has said that I am her rescuer in the relationship.....well I don't want to rescue her...I want someone to rescue me  :'(
I am the sort of person who if my worst enemy asked me to do something I would go and do it!!!! I am working on saying NO!!! but it is hard to change learned behavior that stems back into your childhood.

I am sick of feeling like this, I wish I could just move on but I really don't know how to and this is made worse by the fact that I have realised that in actual fact I DON'T WANT TO ACCEPT HER.

I am sorry for going on and on, you don't have to read this and if you do I will happily send you a cheque for your counselling fees  ;D
Take Care, I hope all is as well as it can be with you and that you are feeling a bit more upbeat.
Luv
Dydie xxxxx
 
1 - 8 of 8 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top