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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi, wasn't sure whether to post this on the usual Merseyside thread or not so thought I'd post it here instead!?

I just really really wanted some honest opinions... Although I can imagine myself being pregnant and can visualise myself being pregnant, having a child at home, seeing DH cradling a new baby etc... my instincts tell me that this will never ever happen  :'( I know this might sound incredibly ridiculous and like a stupid thing to worry about, but I am absolutely convinced that I will never be pregnant or give birth to a baby. When I think about it it fills me with a terrible sense of panic, dread, impending doom, anxiety, loss of control etc - it's just awful and I'm struggling to cope with that on top of every other emotion that infertility brings with it  ^eyes^

Has anyone else felt this way? And I don't just mean negative thinking - I mean a really strong feeling of certainty that it will never happen? I'd really like some honest thoughts on this... Especially from women who've gone on to have babies in spite of these feelings. Or even from anyone who has felt this way as I'm sure I can't be the only woman ever to feel this way and am after some reassurance perhaps that it's normal and I'm not going crazy and that I might still have a little chance of going on to become pregnant...?  :-\

Thanks xx
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
No thoughts from anyone...!  :(
 

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Hi JAJ1,

Sorry no one has replied to you before.

I had 3 tries at ICSI. The  1st time we were so positive and didn't really imagine it not working. After that I think you are a bit more realistic and try to protect yourself by not getting your hopes up too much.

It wasn't until I got my BFP that I realised I hadn't expected it to work at all and was already trying to work out if we could afford another go.

I think what you are feeling is perfectly normal for someone in your position and you are just trying to protect yourself from too much disappointment. There are probably many of the women on here who feel the same but just haven't come across your post.


^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ and  ^pray^ ^pray^ ^pray^ ^pray^ ^pray^ ^pray^ ^pray^ ^pray^ ^pray^ ^pray^ ^pray^ ^pray^ ^pray^ ^pray^ ^pray^

Hope you get your BFP soon.

Lots of love

Joy xxxx
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Hi Joy, thank you so much for replying  ^hugme^ I was starting to worry that everyone who had read my post agreed that I was never going to get pg so hadn't written anything!  :-\ I suppose there must be a big element of self preservation and I have always been one of these people who believes in negative thinking!!  ^idiot^ In my mind, if you think negative you'll never be let down  ::)

I suppose thinking back to when we started tx, I did think it would work straight away sometimes, but the rest of the time I said to DH 'Clomid won't work, I know it!' and then before we started IUI I said that that definitely wouldn't work. Perhaps it's because we've whizzed through treatments and feel like it's happened so quickly and we're already fast approaching last chance saloon.

The pic of your daughter is beautiful  :) Thanks again  ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ xxx
 

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Hi JAJ1,


I know exactly what you mean. I have always felt that I would never be able to have children and as such told everyone that I never wanted to even before I found out that we had infertility problems (I think it is self preservation).


I even used this thought process to talk myself out of going for treatment. Luckily fate had other ideas and even though we thought we had told the clinic that we were not going to proceed with treatment, we have now found ourselves at the top of the list (my OH and I both thought that the other had informed the clinic that we would not be proceeding!).


I still cannot see it working, but have decided to at least give it a go... I am sure we are just trying to protect ourselves - after all if you never expect anything you can never be dissapointed!


What stage are you at now?


Good luck!


L x
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Hello  :)

I've managed to shake off the constant negativity but it stills rears its ugly head on a regular basis!  :-\ It's definitely a self preservation thing isn't it  ^hugme^  We're waiting for our appointment letter with the consultant for IVF but are on the waiting list and awaiting tests back before appt letter will come out. I think we should be starting our first treatment within the next few months though  ^reiki^ ^reiki^ ^reiki^

What treatment are you waiting to start? And I think that ending up at the top of the waiting list out of the blue like that has got to be a good sign :)

Here's hoping that both of our instincts are well and truly off!  ^pray^
 

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Hello  :) ,


Wow that is quick re timings. Are you going private? We had our first appt with the consultant with the NHS in 2008 and have only now got to the top of the list for TESE. I don't know how long it will be before the actual treatment starts. I have got to lose some weight before then though, so I need a bit of time...


Keep me posted on your progress. It is good to know that I am not the only one with these weird thoughts...


L x
 

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Hi Girls,

Have just come across your posts and can completely understand what you are talking about.

We have been trying for 3 years after having a miscarriage shortly after getting married.  We have been having tests for the last 18 months at RPH and have now been referred to St Mary's in Manchester.

I also used to tell people that i was never going to have kids when i was younger until i met my DH but never thought that it wouldn't happen!!

We have tried clomid too which unfortunately didn't work out and i got a stomach bug on the 2nd course so thought this was a sign getting pregnant wasn't supposed to happen.

I seem to get worse when old school friends or family get pregnant without any bother - the emotions take over and i have spent many a time sat at home crying  :'(

But i think everything happens for a reason and everyone will have their time.

How are you both getting on with your tx?

L XX
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Hi Lisal77 :)

I'm waiting to start ivf at the moment - got first appt with consultant in 3 weeks time and hope to find out what protocol we'll be put onto and get a rough idea for a date for when we can start the drugs etc. I have up days and down days - usually I'm on the negative side of things and don't know if it's self preservation and me not allowing me to get my hopes up or an instinct of what's around the corner  :-\

Everywhere I look there are ladies with bumps and babies and it breaks my heart :( A close friend of mine is pregnant by mistake at the moment and so is a colleague so wherever I go I see them and they know nothing of my tx or ttc. I have friends getting married over the next 6 months and they are all planning on ttc straight after the wedding as we're all 30/31/32 years old and it terrifies me that they'll be pg before me and I'll have to smile through all of their happy announcements  :( But I guess I would be really sad for them if they went through this and them getting pregnant doesn't mean it'll use up all the babies or take anything away from how me and dh will feel if we are ever pg so that's what gets me through it.

How are you getting along with things? And how's the pma...?!  ^reiki^

xxx
 

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Hi JAJ1

We have our appointment on 19th May - hopefully we will get our results back from tests and discuss what options are available.  Fingers crossed they are going to say we can go straight onto IVF  ^pray^

You sound really down - and being really hard on yourself. 

I have felt like that many a time but your time will come.  I think when you are wanting it so bad you see pregnant women around you all the time and everyone on tv is having a baby and yes it is always worse when it is someone you know through work or a friend or family member.

I had my DH sister tell us she was pregnant and they hadn't been trying for very long and she started giving us advice of when and how we should be doing things - I think that was my turning point - rather than being down about it and crying, I got angry at her (really wanted to punch her) but then thought its going to happen one day for us and there is no use getting stressed about it!!

I think if you tell your friend and work colleague how you are feeling and explain what you are going through if they are real friends they will be more understanding and wont go on about their own pregnancy and they will be more supportive to you through your tx time.

As for your friends who are all getting married - some of them may struggle too.  I thought when we got married we would be able to have kids no problems but life is never what you expect it to be.

Also I have come to realise that there are a lot of people going through exactly what we are but until this happens to you or someone you know you realise its very common.

You need your support network to get you through this.  Some people wont ever understand what you are going through and wont care - but you wont need those people in your life.

keep me informed of how you get on and if you need to rant I will be here

Lisa xx
 

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Hello ladies -

Sorry to barge in! I just wanted to say that I can totally relate to so many of your feelings.

I'm feeling really low right now , I can't seem to muster any PMA no matter how hard I try! I too feel like becoming a mother seems a far off dream.
If I allow myself I look at my beautiful husband and I imagine him standing by me whilst I give birth , holding our baby in his arms, the 3 of us cuddling together, the two of us proudly showing off our bundle of joy to family and friends etc etc etc  ....but then  I snap out of that dream world and come crashing back to reality with bump! And I look at myself and think 'Its never going to happen'
'Your just not going to be a mum'  'DH will eventually give up on you and find a fertile wife'
I sound so sorry for myself don't I , I realise I must sound pathetic and selfish  :-[

I know I am more fortunate than others , I know my life could be a million times worse , I know there are people out there far worse off than me , but I just feel so low and down right now. I just can't imagine ever being the one who announces that BFP....
Sometimes when I think about never having a child I feel like I can't breathe! I feel so out of control and panicky. I wonder what will become of me? How will I make sense of my life without having a child in it ?

The world keeps turning whist mine stays stuck in this limbo. Its as if IF is the only thing I think about. It's like I can't take enjoyment out of anything else at the moment. My b/f is pregnant with her 2nd child and I just struggle to accept that I can't even make 1 baby.....I feel resentment towards her and if I am honest alot of jealousy.
And I HATE myself for it. What kind of friend am I? Not a very good one :-\ 
I am not the best person in the world at being positive. I tend to air on the side of caution , never get my hopes up , even think negatively - I suppose I feel like that way I am protecting myself from heartache.

Jaj1, Lisa and  LMVB I only intended to let you know your not alone in your feelings and I have rambled on. I am sorry!
I am sorry any of us have to feel in anyway remotely like me , this is so hard and the further down the tx road we get the harder it seems. I hope it was OK to post here. I feel abit better having blurted out some of my current feelings. I am sure its just a down phase. Perhaps when I start tx again , I'll perk up again
^hugme^
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Hi Lisa and Lollipops,

You’re very welcome to join in Lollipops, you’re not barging in at all! :)

I too sometimes really make myself look at what I’ve already got and I have learnt in a lot of ways to be so so grateful for what I’ve already got. DH and I are happy (apart from the IF!), have a lovely home, good jobs, our health, great families and a great social life and I know so many other people would be envious of us for various reasons. But the grass is always greener huh!

I’ve thought about telling my pg friend but she doesn’t really go on about it much at all so isn’t very in my face with her pg and her and her df are lovely so it’s easier for me to deal with. If I had to tell any of my friends though it’d be her as I think she’d understand the most, even though she’s my only close pg friend! ::) Def won’t tell pg colleague as she’s a blabber mouth and I’m her manager and don’t want the rest of the team knowing at all. My managers know and have been great support which is brilliant :)

If I ever end up pg, or finally call time one day a long way away on tx then I’d tell people what we’d been through and hope that it would help them and I could offer advice and an understanding shoulder for them to cry on.

I think, along with the tx being so hard, I’ve come to realise that of my close friends, I don’t think I could trust any of them to - 1, not select one other person in the group to tell ‘out of concern’ and then all my friends end up knowing that way, or - 2, them really not understand at all and us drift apart. So as well as the tx, I am now doubting the strength of most of the friendships I’ve had for years...  :-\ And I have the rollercoaster of emotions too – distress, frustration, anxiety, anger, hope, despair etc etc etc! I sometimes like the anger emotion as I think it gives me a chance to vent a whole load of emotions as I temporarily lose my inhibitions and become full of self confidence (but for the wrong reasons – I just stop giving a monkey’s!) I also get that awful panic feeling too :(  Like having no control over my life – my body and my feelings and it totally consumes me sometimes and is all I can think about, but I’m no stranger to panic attacks anyway, although hadn’t had them in a while before starting ttc  ^eyes^

I also worry that dh must feel disappointment in the situation as the IF is down to me and I wonder if his parents will hate me if we ever tell them about it for ruining their sons life... Sounds crazy in the cold light of day I guess, but when I’m having a bad day it seems entirely likely that this is how they may actually feel  ^idiot^

I think we’re all a bit daft as we think and feel these thoughts and feelings, but when we’re reading that someone has written them somewhere on FF we want to hug them and tell them everything’s fine and that what they think people might be saying about them isn’t true!! ::) You’re not a bad person for feeling that way Lollipop – we’ve all been there and may unfortunately continue to go there for a while yet  ^hugme^

What tx have you had so far Lisa? Wishing you well for your appt in a few weeks and good luck for your fet Lollipop  ^hugme^

I’m currently having a little glass of wine and catching up on some sky+ I’ve spent all day around the house cleaning, stretching out on the sofa, no make up all day and just me and dh with a big plate of Bolognese for tea and it’s done me good, I recommend it :)

xxx

Ooo, long waffly post from me too, sorry! Must be the wine  ;D
 

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Hi ladies,


I have just come back from hols to read all of the posts. Your comments were so heart felt and well written - I couldn't believe how close to my feelings they were...


So, I have just got back after two weeks away. My DH and I thought that we deserved one last hurrah before commencing with the treatment. I can honestly say it was the best thing we could have done. It really gave us chance to be together and realise how much we love each other. We also talked about my negative feelings that I have been having and tried to put them in perspective. The problem is, my self preservation thing has always worked out well for me; You know, "you will never be disappointed if you don't get your hopes up". The problem is that I think it is getting me in a bad place now. I am at risk of becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.


Sorry for this ramble, that probably doesn't make any sense.


We will get through this. I am feeling much more positive now. If the worst happens and the tx doesn't work - at least I have my DH and we will have more money to spend on great holidays and going out! I will spoil myself!


Keep in touch. It is good to know that I am not the only  ^idiot^  one out there!


L x


p.s. Lisa - I am also at St Mary's in Manchester. Who is your consultant? 
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Hi,

Sounds like holiday was fabulous! Where did you go? Back to this country and the thunder and lightening!  ::)

Perhaps everyone feels exactly the same as us, but we're all negative thinkers so that's why we feel so particularly hopeless about the whole situation...?  ???

The self preservation thing is exactly what I'm like! My motto is 'Think negative - that way you can only ever be pleasantly surprised or things live up to your expectations' !!  ^idiot^ And I think there's a lot to be said about self fulfilling prophecies. As I say, I'm a really negative thinker, but when in the past I have, on occasion, gone against my every instinct and forced myself to think positive, I've actually had some surprising results - I find that even when I'm disappointed by something I've allowed myself to think positive about, I seem to handle the failure / rejection etc better as was in a more positive frame of mind to start with... if that makes sense! So why I can't make myself do this permanently I have no idea - changing the habit of a lifetime!  ::)

At the end of the day, failure at our tx is going to hurt like hell anyway - will thinking negative throughout the whole process really take that much of the pain away at the end because we were 'expecting' it...? Or will we have got ourselves so down and twisted up in knots over it that we'll feel worse as have beaten ourselves up and thought negative thoughts the whole time?

I dunno! I'm no psychologist but think I might give the positive thinking a little go for a while and see how it goes. There might be something in this power of the mind stuff, you never know!  ^reiki^

And we've decided that if we ever end up calling time on tx for good and have had no success then we're going travelling and I will definitely retrain and do a job I'll love for good. That's a really weak consolation prize though isn't it!  ^eyes^

xx

 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Hi,

Sounds like holiday was fabulous! Where did you go? Back to this country and the thunder and lightening!  ::)

Perhaps everyone feels exactly the same as us, but we're all negative thinkers so that's why we feel so particularly hopeless about the whole situation...?  ???

The self preservation thing is exactly what I'm like! My motto is 'Think negative - that way you can only ever be pleasantly surprised or things live up to your expectations' !!  ^idiot^ And I think there's a lot to be said about self fulfilling prophecies. As I say, I'm a really negative thinker, but when in the past I have, on occasion, gone against my every instinct and forced myself to think positive, I've actually had some surprising results - I find that even when I'm disappointed by something I've allowed myself to think positive about, I seem to handle the failure / rejection etc better as was in a more positive frame of mind to start with... if that makes sense! So why I can't make myself do this permanently I have no idea - changing the habit of a lifetime!  ::)

At the end of the day, failure at our tx is going to hurt like hell anyway - will thinking negative throughout the whole process really take that much of the pain away at the end because we were 'expecting' it...? Or will we have got ourselves so down and twisted up in knots over it that we'll feel worse as have beaten ourselves up and thought negative thoughts the whole time?

I dunno! I'm no psychologist but think I might give the positive thinking a little go for a while and see how it goes. There might be something in this power of the mind stuff, you never know!  ^reiki^

And we've decided that if we ever end up calling time on tx for good and have had no success then we're going travelling and I will definitely retrain and do a job I'll love for good. That's a really weak consolation prize though isn't it!  ^eyes^

xx
 

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Hiya,


I was in Malaysia. I went to KL to see an old school friend, travelled round a bit and then spent some time on an island in the south china sea called Tioman. It is absolutely heaven! We started to think about how we could live there if we did not have kids (I would retrain as a holistic therapist and we would provide massage at a small resort). I almost found myself excited at the prospect of the treatment not working!


I am totally with you on the positive thinking thing. Your comment about it not minimising the pain really hit home. It is going to be dreadful if it doesn't work, whether I have thought positively or not. I am going to think positively from now on and I am going to look for the good in every situation. I have a new boss that said something that made me cringe the other day but is actually ringing true now. She said that nothing that we do is a failure. If a project goes wrong, we do not call it a failure but a sunset project and look at what we can learn from the experience. If you think like that it will help you take more risks and take the good out of any situation. In fact, when I think back, everything "bad" that has happened in the past has actually led to something really good happening to me.


So how about we make this into a positive thinking thread rather than a negative one from now on? I am going to try and apply this to every part of my life (maybe it will help me lose some weight too!).


L x
 

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Hi Ladies

How's everyone doing?

I have tried to log on a few times over the weekend but i think the server must have been having problems as it wouldn't show me any posts sometimes.

I have just been reading another thread where the girls are all having the EC and ET this week - its very exciting but nervous at the same time.  One has had 11 eggs fertilised and the other 4 - cant wait to see what happens next!

JAJI - glad you are giving the positive thinking a go.  Just reading about the other girls has got me all excited and thinking that if it can happen to them it can happen to us  :) :)

As you have said - good things have happened in the past so heres so more positive energy coming your way  ^reiki^ ^reiki^ ^reiki^ ^reiki^

LMVB - totally agree - take the positive outlook!!  I am trying to lose weight too and the last few months it has been so hard to get myself motivated but last week i decided - enough get off the backside and start and now I am looking forward to it!!

Mind you it is only a dance dvd or zumba on the wii which i can do in the comfort of my own home - and although i cant see the results yet I can feel it - and i am feeling so much better in myself!!

We have our appointment on the 19th so not long to go now!!  We haven't had any consultations yet (only blood and scans) so not sure who our consultant will be - who have you seen LMVB?

This will be our first step hopefully towards ivf - so far we have had all the tests and been on Clomid for four months.  We  have unexplained  fertility and when i have had tests done everything seems to be working correctly it just hasn't been our time yet.


The sun is shining now - so I am off out for some fresh air and then get on with my exercises

^hugme^ ^hugme^

Lisa xxx
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Hi ladies  ^hugme^ Just a quick one from me this evening as I’m shattered and half watching The Apprentice! Never watched it before, but I figure it’ll be nice to have something else to focus on for as long as it’s on instead of tx/ttc/IF for a change! ::)

So are we all thinking positive from now on then?! I might start small and stop dwelling on how far away my consultant appt is and focus on how soon it’ll be here instead ;D

Oh and another positive thought – we WILL lose the weight we want to lose! That’s something we have a little more control over (sort of...!) than IF  ^reiki^

Sorry again for rubbish quick post  :-[ xx
 

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Hello,


It is great to hear such positive posts from everyone on here. I am feeling much more upbeat now!


As for the weight loss, I am part of a great thread where we weigh in on a monday every week and provide support throughout the week. The girls on there are great fun. Feel free to join us.  I have a lot of weight to lost, so am hitting the healthy eating as strongly as possible.


Lisa - my story is that we started ttc in 2005, but didn't get a referral until 2008. My DH was diagnosed with a blockage which they have tried to repair to no avail. I have partially blocked tubes and slight endo, so between us we have pretty much scuppered our chances! Our consultant is Dr Sajjad. She put us on the waiting list for surgical sperm retrieval in 2008 and we have just got to the top of the waiting list. My DH has his SSR op on the 31st May, following which we should find out if they can get his sperm. If all is successful, I then need to go and have bloods and scans and then straight onto IVF. The chances of it working are really low for us, especially as we will be using frozen sperm. We have pretty much come to terms with the low likelihood of it working, but feel that we at least need to give it a go. I think, if all goes well at SSR, ttc should start towards the end of July. That gives me a couple of months to lose weight. God I need to...


Sorry for the long rambling message.


Laura x
 

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Hi Girls -

I am loving the change in direction this thread has took. I believe this negative thinking wasn't do me or my DH any good and after reading your upbeat posts I have decided to try my hardest to look on the bright side and make some much needed changes to my life.
I handed my notice in at work on Monday , my job was causing me serious emotional upset....it's slowly got worse and worse over the past 2 years I have been having tx. I work with children and preg mums....I also work in a deprived area of town which in turn leads to the majority of my customers being teenage mums - I can honestly say I have seen so many horrible sights. From Jan of this year work has become even more unbearable - due to the prospect of a year of tx ahead and my boss being unable to accomodate any time off work needed for tx . So I bit the bullet and handed in my notice. Drastic measure but much needed. I couldn't possibly go through any more weeks of coming home in floods of tears and spending every weekend dreading monday morning with avengance!
I feel utter relief in knowing its over - I can concerntrate on my future tx and get happy again!

Thankyou for helping me to see the light!  ^hugme^
 
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