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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi,

I haven't been on here for a long time since my 3rd cycle of IUI didn't work towards the end of summer last year.  I'm just having a really hard time at the moment as one of my best friends has just had her first baby (we started trying at about the same time over 3 years ago), my other best friend is pregnant due in June and 3 of my other closest friends are also expecting around then.

I thought it would be easier when my friend actually had the baby, as it was her pregnancy I initially felt envious of.  Now however, I feel like I can't talk to her without getting upset and I want to be happy for her.  She is a mummy and I'm not and that is all I have ever wanted to be.  I am really glad things went well for her and I do want to be part of their lives, but now all I can think about is that I have lost her and I am about to lose all my other friends to parenthood too.  I want to cry everytime I think about it and it just makes me feel so alone, like there is a club that I desperately want to join but can't.  :'(

I would like some advice on how to keep the relationships going with my friends while they go through this and I go through IVF as I don't want to lose them but I don't know how to protect myself from getting hurt.

Thanks! 
Bee xxx

 

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Bee just wanted to send you a big  ^hugme^  it is so hard when everyone around you seems to be pregnant, since i have started my treatment by sister and 3 of my closest friends have all had babies and one of them is now pregnant with number 2 so its all starting again.  I have spent many a time in tears after spending time with them but one thing i have learnt is to be honest with them and let them know its hard (i never did this at first as was worried it would make things akward) after opening up to them it has become easier.  Also dont be afraid of turning down invites to things you cant cope with i went to one christening and made a full of myself running out of the reception in floods of tears, i am now pleased to be invited to christenings and first birthdays but if i dont feel strong enough to go i dont.  I know its so hard cos you are pleased for them and do want to share things but sometimes its just too hard  :(  but try not to beat yourself up about it. 
I try and make suggestions to do things which dont involve the children sometimes but do seem to go through stages of feeling left out as they have children and i dont and like you say we arent a member of that club.
Sorry that probably hasnt helped at all just wanted you to know you arent alone with what you are feeling
xxx
h
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Hi H,
Thank you so much for your reply.  I think I will keep coming back to read it as it really does help.  It is good to know that I'm not the only one feeling like this and just hearing someone say to try not to beat myself up about it makes me feel better.  I am having another hard day of it today so it was good to have this to read, it gave me a bit of balance.
Thank you, and hopefully we'll both be members of the 'club' before too long.  ^pray^
^hugme^
Thanks again...
Bee xx
 

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Really good advice from pinkpikie....i have been having a real bad time of it recently with my SIL so think i will try and be more honest from now on and turn down invites if i don't feel up to it.

Its strange how sometimes its okay and other times you just break down in tears its a roller coaster for sure!!

Good luck 2 you both  ^reiki^

L xxx
 

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Big hugs to everyone.  An old post from me............

**********************************************
OTHER PEOPLE'S PREGNANCIES:

If you had a friend who was stood up at the alter on their wedding day, everyone and I mean EVERYONE would be very careful not to talk about their own wedding and no one would be shoving wedding albums at them and asking them which centre piece would be good for their own big day.

If you had a friend whose house had been repossessed, no one would be bragging about their new extensions and asking them to admire their homes and help choose colour schemes.

If you had a friend who was made redundant, you would not constantly talk about how much you love your job and how marvellous it was.

Why oh why, is it then, that we are 'allowed' to be slightly jealous about jobs/homes/weddings etc, but for some reason no one thinks twice about handing you scan pictures and telling you oh, we're having a boy/girl and the ONLY acceptable response is for you to almost be as excited as them. And if that's not bad enough, other people too will fill you in on all the details of the pregnancy and a blow by blow account of what is happening.

It does not happen with anything else in life and we are not expected to be over the moon for any other achievements made by any of our friends/family, but when a baby is on the horizon, we all have to be deliriously happy. I just don't get it.

I've never heard anyone say that it was 'selfish' of a friend not to be chuffed for their friend's 'house/job/wedding' except when you are talking about babies.

I think the honest answer is that just people don't understand for a minute how crushing and breathtakingly sad infertility is.

Everyone can appreciate the other scenarios because they understand the other things. It must be like someone in a wheelchair with no legs trying to explain how it feels, but until you sit in that chair, will you ever really understand?

If I'm honest, I did not understand the impact of infertility until it touched my life. I was not aware that infertility is carried with you like an invisible cloak, marking you as slightly different from all those around you.

I remember back in the days before infertility crept into and put a shadow on my life, I would hear about miscarriages and 'IVF' and 'infertility' and I did not really give it much thought at all. But when it leaked into my life, I could not even begin to try to explain to other people how it feels not to be able to do, what should be, the most natural thing in the world. It is the thing that we share on FF.

I could go on, but I have a tendency to rant.

We are like a silent army, marching towards Motherhood!!

To all the strong fabulous women, struggling every day with this, our time will come.
 

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Beannebee, you are not alone. I am the oldest in my circle of friends all have had at least one child while we have
been having treatment. I echo bennett with invites etc involving children if you are not feeling strong don't go - look
after yourself, if they are true friends they will understand. When i have been to christenings i feel like everyone is
watching to see how i cope, so now i'm selfish if we feel like it we go if not then never mind.

Take care
K
 

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You are definately not on your own. I'm struggling at the moment too. Our closest friends have just had their first baby 6 days ago (unplanned) and I'm finding it so hard to be excited for them. I'm happy for them, I just wish we were experiencing it too.
 

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Negative ramble coming up (sorry) but hopefully will get it off my chest so I can get on with my day...
Waiting for our next icsi, have been staying positive so far, but just had a crashing dip today. My friend (one of the few of my friends who, when we started tx, was still single and yet to have kids) just called with the news that she's 5 months pg with baby number 2. that, coupled with the 2 other pg announcements just this week and the 4 babygros i've bought for friends with newborns in Jan / Feb, just seems the final straw.  I know it'll be our turn at some point and i'm staying hopeful about next cycle, but I'm so scared it won't be our turn. and might never be. Practically every person in my life now has kids so unless I stay on my own and cut myself off from everyone my options are:  help out with their kids; listen to how hard it is being a mum; hear about how they love being at work because they could never spend the whole day with their kids; hear about how they are fed up with pregnancy or having so much trouble with newborns; hear about how quickly it all happened and they wish they'd waited; hear about how the babies have messed up their relationship and stopped them going out; hear about how fat they feel.
And it's all I want and I'm fed up with putting on a sympathetic smile for their 'problems' and being the supportive one. I really resent them so much sometimes and I never say that. and absolutely every day there are kids in my life and none of them are mine and I hate that too.
I remember the day when I counted 20 people who were pg since we started ttc - and that felt like lots. Now that number has been completely dwarfed - most of those 20 now have two or three and have been followed by so many more friends. I know it's not a race and it doesn't matter how many other people have their families, but it's been so long and i'm getting more and more isolated from everyone else's life. and they still say stupid things like 'i should feel lucky to have the whole day to read books if i want to' as if that's not completely patronising. i feel like i'm in a total limbo and everyone is getting on with living the life that i really desperately want to live, but can't.
 

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Hi there,
I know exactly what you are going through. In the time it took me and hubbie to conceive, one of my friends 'popped out' three children. We fell pregnant after our first attempt at ICSI. Our son Harry was born on 19th October 2010. He sadly passed away on January 9th 2011 from a fatal congential heart defect. He was our pride and joy.
Having fertility problems and then losing Harry has made me realise how selfish some of the people around me are. When I fell pregnant, three of my friends suffered miscarriages (all second babies conceived naturally) and i felt so so guilty that I was with child. They never once felt the same when I was trying to conceive, they've admitted it to me! Even now, after losing Harry the world and his dog seem to be falling pregnant and its so hard. All my firneds think is 'well, I'm glad its not me.' I'm glad its not them either because I wouldnt wish this amount of pain and heart ache on any one, not even my worst enemy. You just have to live in hope that your time will come eventually, otherwise it turns you into a very bitter person. I often find saying 'I wouldnt wish my situation on anyone' helps to make them understand a tiny bit of what we are going through. It hurts even more when they moan about their kids - oh how i wish we had Harry around to moan about! Not that we ever moaned about him - he was perfect. Even a week after losin Harry a friend send - my bloody kids are doing my head in - they are 18 months and three months old! life is very unfair, but this experience will make oyu a much stronger person.
I wish you lots of luck on your journey
Lisa, Harry's mummy ^pray^
 

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Lilly, didn't want to read and run, without sending you some big  ^hugme^ ^hugme^.  I think that ivf treatment really does have the effect of putting our lives on hold and so I totally know what you mean by saying you feel in limbo.  And you are by no means alone in suffering setbacks every time yet another friend announces a pregnancy.  Of course you're happy for them, but sometimes it can be so gut wrenching can't it and yes isolating.  My fingers will stay crossed for you that your next round brings you your dream.  ^hugme^ ^reiki^ ^reiki^ ^reiki^ ^reiki^

Vec xx
 

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Hi girls

Just to let you know I have merged a couple of posts together

Was thinking of keeping this thread going as a constant place to vent or gain a little extra help or support during those low times

 

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Oh Lilly sweetheart  ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^  BUGS xxxxxxx
You are not having a negative ramble....just expressing some perfectly understandable and reasonable thoughts and feelings.  It just truly sucks BIG TIME and everything you say makes perfect sense.....why should you have to listen to people moaning?  Why cant it be you?  It's not too much to ask honey so dont feel in any way bad for feeling that way.  You are bound to have down days and there's nothing wrong with a good old cry and getting it all off your chest....hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.  Your BFP will happen sweetheart, you have just had to wait a horribly long time for it and its not fair, but when you are holding your baby(s?!) in your arms, every second will be worth it.  I just know it.  xxxxxx  ^hugme^

Harrysmummy, I am so sorry to hear about your baby boy, that must have been absolutely heartbreaking...I hope you lots of wonderful supportive people around to help you get through such an awful time  ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^
 

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Lilly  ^hugme^ ^hugme^  i know what you mean it seems to happen for everyone else, like i said my friends are now starting with baby number 2 and we are still waiting  :( .  Fingers crossed for you.


Harrys mummy  ^hugme^ ^hugme^  cant imagine how hard it is for you it must be devastating.


hope everyone is coping ok
xxx
h
 

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Oh thanks so much ladies! You've made me feel so much more positive.

Bee - hope you don't mind my post being merged with yours. I hadn't read yours before, but sending HUGE hugs. I completely identify with your message, it can be so difficult and isolating. You don't want to be thought of as selfish or not happy for your friends' news, but it also seems so unfair. I'm just grateful for places like this where we can say our true feelings and be understood completely. I often think it's only people who have experienced IF who can truly understand how hard it is. I have my fingers crossed for you xxx

Irish Dee - what an amazing reply! I'm going to cut and paste what you've written. It makes so much sense!

Harrysmum - oh sweetheart, my heart really goes out to you. What an amazing person you are, to take the time to offer support when you have gone through so much. I am so sorry to hear about Harry, he was clearly one truly wonderful little boy and I just can't imagine how awful it must be to lose him. Other people's insensitivity must be so hard to take. I wish there was something I could say that would help but there are no words for this. Thinking of you and sending lots of love.

Vec and Pinkpixie, thanks so much for your lovely replies too. GOOD LUCK GOOD LUCK!!!

TBD my gorgeous! Will you ever tire of my silly little rants and moans??? You are LOVELY. Thinking of you SO MUCH and am literally squeezing my fingers tightly together for that dual (whisper) bfp. xxxxxxxxxx

Good luck everyone and let's hope the limbo-land doesn't last too long!! xx
 

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Hi ladies,

Thanks so much for your honesty. I no longer feel like the wicked witch for some of my negative thoughts. I am still amazed with the ability of infertility to take over my life with no warning whatsoever, sometimes I wake up and there is a lead weight in my heart for no reason.

My best friend has 2 children and I am their godmother. I love them to pieces and often really enjoy spending time with them. We have a special bond and I wouldn't give that up for anything. BUT.....sometimes I would just like my best friend on her own. I am a bit fed up of only seeing her when we meet up at a park or something else to suit the kids. I feel so bad typing this because she is a great mum and never puts herself first. We went out for dinner in the week, just the two of us, which I was really excited about but unf she told me that a mutual friend was pg with her second, by accident!!! It made me a bit mad  ^bigbad^ . The conversation stayed on children and when I found I was digging my nails into my hand I thought I have to do something about this. I suggested that maybe when we go out without the kids we should try not to talk about them so much so she gets a break from being a mum. I hope I was convincing with my reasoning but if I wasn't it doesn't matter coz she will realise it's hurting me.

People are blind to the pain of others and we are all guilty of not seeing how our actions can be hurtful. When I feel resentful I remind myself that I only ask my close friend who is single to go out with me when my husband is busy - is that so different to the time when my best friend asked me to go to the cinema with her and one of the girls at 10am to a screen fuuuulllllllll of kids when I hadn't long had BFN no3??

However, I hugely appreciate the opportunity to rant about how tough this can be. I am waiting for a letter to signal the start of our NHS treatment and it has been such a long wait. But, on the positive side, I am now tutoring the fertility nurse's daughter once a week which pays for me to have treats so I feel better! Also, a close colleague has become pg so won't be a competitor for a promotion I would like. Gotta find a positive twist as we grit our teeth and smile at their news.

Harrysmum, I love that you have such great memories of your gorgeous boy and I hope your journey gets easier.

Hugs to you all  ^hugme^

Hawk
 

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Hi Ladies,

Just finished reading though this tread and had to post my thoughts.
You all are NOT alone in your feelings.These emotions and feelings are the harsh truth behind women suffering from infertility. It's like our brains tune into babies,pregnant women,baby toys/clothes etc and all it does is dampen our spirits and widens a hole in our hearts. I have tried and failed at explaining how I feel to friends/relatives who have children. It's quite obvious they don't understand. They say things like ''give it time it will work'' - ''relax and don't think about it so much and it will happen'' - ''I know a friend who has had IVF then gone on to concieved naturally'' and so on and so on and so on!!!!
It's not that they mean to patronise or upset me, it's just they THINK they are offering helpful advice.
In my workplace our customers are all mums and children. It's heartbreaking sometimes, I can be having an OK day and then some mum starts whining and moaning about their child and yet I have to stand there and agree,nod,smile,offer advice - if only they knew hey?!

The other day a customer brought her twin baby boys over to see me, I was praying all day that she wouldn't do this, I kept trying to seem busy so that she wouldn't approach me. But it was sods law that she caught me! All she wanted to do was show off her 4 week old babies, like any mother should want to. But all I wanted to do was scream at her! Tell her to go away,leave me alone ,stop rubbing it in. Of course I didn't do this, I cooed and complimented and lavished kinds words on her and her little ones. But inside it cut like a knife,it pulled at my heart till I was fighting back the tears (yet again). I made my excuses and slithered away to sob in the work loo's :(

This happens to me all the time. It kills looking at what you can't have everyday,all day. If I could change my job I would. Believe me I have tried! But I am caught between a rock and a hard place. You see, my boss knows about my infertility and has supported me during both my previous tx's , I worry if I move to a new job I won't get this support. I worry that I'll start a new job and start tx soon after that I'll end up getting sacked due to taking time off for treatment. When my job really gets me down I end up frantically applying for new jobs but never have much luck anyway, so even getting a new job is difficult enough at the moment.

I guess this site proves I am not alone in this madness. It can seem like a lonely place to be,especially when everyone around me seems to have what I want. DH does his best to support me and my emotions,I can see sometimes it really gets him down too. Just this weekend we ended up sobbing on the bedroom floor together, feeling sorry for ourselves. He is usually a rock but this being our 3rd year trying now- I can see it's starting to dampen his spirits. It can be a soul destroying journey. And I am luckier than some, I can't comprehend how women can go through endless un -successful treatment or even have their dream come true then have it cruelly taken away again. I remind myself constantly that there are people ALOT worse off than me. This is my way of keeping my feeling and emotions grounded.
I often hope that if we don't ever get our much longed for child that perhaps , at least, I will be a better person for it. That this bitter side of me will fade away and I will find joy in other aspects of my life,and that me and DH will be stronger than ever because of our journey.

Having said this I really hope we all get our prayers answered one day.We will make the best mummys in the world because of our infertility journeys.I just hope that we all find happiness one day. ^hugme^ ^hugme^ ^hugme^


 

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How I cope with it is knowing that these are somebody  elses children, not mine , and mine is waiting for me and will cone when it's ready- I also work in a children's hospital so surrounded by them-  maybe 9 th time lucky!  don't give up or try and let others children's get to you.
 

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JJ1 -

Wise words and you derserve this too work for you. I truly hope it is 9th time lucky. You are a stronger person than me to continue to have the commitment and drive to achieve your dream and because of that it simply has to work for you! ^reiki^ ^reiki^ ^reiki^ ^reiki^ ^reiki^ ^reiki^ ^reiki^ ^reiki^ ^pray^ ^pray^ ^pray^ ^pray^ ^pray^ ^pray^ ^pray^ ^pray^ ^pray^ ^pray^

Thankyou for your words of wisdom xxxx
 

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hi lollipops i remember you from my last FET thread just wanted to send you  ^hugme^
xx
h
 
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