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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi everyone
Just looking for advice ! We are now on the DE waiting list , at our 1st appt we explored issues with a counseller & found we were undecided about whether we would tell family/friends or the child about the egg donation . I wondered what other people had decided ? I know it's a personnal thing but it does help to talk to people who understand the dilemmas .
Also for anyone who has been successful , how do you feel about the process now ? I feel I'd be ok but it's hard to know until you are in that position !
Sorry for so many questions , this is still so new for me
Thanks Dollyzx xx
 

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Hi Dolly

We decided pretty quickly that we want to be very honest with any children we have using DE & that's influenced our decision on who to tell beforehand. The reason we want to be honest with the children is that we feel that it's better for them to grow up knowing about their origins than to find out later in life.

At the moment only a few close friends & family know about ED (we've just had ET), but we are going to be fairly open about it all.

You might like to check out the Donor Conception Network (http://www.dcnetwork.org/) for more opinions.

Good luck

Susie
x
 

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Dolly

(Hi Again !!)

We too are undecided about what to tell the child or friends/family etc.  At the moment I feel that its nobody's business but our own and although for us it would be a little tricky to explain (everyone knows I went through early menopause at 21!) I might consider lying and telling people that by some miracle, I became pregnant ! Whether or not I would be believed I do not know !

I am concerned though about not telling the child.  I think if they grow up with the knowledge that they came from a special donated egg, they will not resent it, however, if they are told later, or found out by other means, it would be absolutely awful for them. 

I think basically, if I could get away with absolutely nobody knowing, ever.. I would keep it a secret... but... Personally I don't think that its possible and i'm not sure it is a risk I am prepared to take.

In all honesty Dolly, I am probably as undecided as you are and will be following this thread to find out what others think.

Thanks for starting it  :)

Love and Luck
Jennifer xx xx
 

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Hi Dolly,

We knew straight from the start that we were going to be honest with any child we concieved through donor egg ( still trying, sadly ::)), personally I believe that secrets always come out one way or another and couldn't live with myself if I had to lie to my child. It HAS helped knowing people who have been succesfull and seeing how they have coped with it and I found the donor conception network literature VERY useful.

Once we decided I became more and more evangelical about it, tell almost everyone and have done a little press about it.I just feel it is easier to get the issue over and done with and, from my friends' experiences, once you concieve, then carry that baby through pregnancy and birth and truly become it's mother the issues that seemed insurmountable before fade away over time.

I must add, though, that I am the kind of person who finds lying very difficult and have a HUGE amount of support from my family and friends about this issue. Your circumstances may be very different so I don't want to judge or influence you in any way.

All the very, very best with your decision and, of course, with your treatment.  Hope my comments have been of some help.

Rsmum xxx
 

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hi dolly,

just thought i would dito what debs said.

we knew from the start that we would have no option but to be open about it all. i also am rubbish at lying and have extremely supportive family on mine and dh side and my friends are the same. they go through it all with me and i could not do without them. i am counting on them all for help and support in the future if i ever have a child and i have no doubt whatsoever that i will get it and so will my child, who will be loved by them all as if it were my own genetic child.
again, everyone is not as lucky as me and without all the support maybe the decision would not be so clear cut.

good luck with your decision,

tracey
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Hi & thanks for all your replies , they have helped & I will be taking some time to go on the recommended web-site . I think as this still feels so new we just need some thinking time .
Love Dollyzx xx
 

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Hi Dolly,

We have decided to tell close family and close friends only. We have also decided, following advice from the clinic, to tell any future child but to tell them gradually when they are young rather than it coming as a bombshell when they are older. One word of warning though, even close family and friends may not approve - with some of my friends I can tell they don't really approve although they are not saying so. They just skirt around the issue whenever I mention it. Just be aware that you may have to face this sort of prejudice because some people don't understand what it is like to desperately want a child.

Good luck,

Liz
 

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Hi Dolly,
Hubby and I went to the USA and went through surrogacy, with eggs from an egg donor.  We now have two lovely little boys.  Well they are tonight.  My family were staying and have worn them out and they went straight to sleep tonight:)
With surrogacy, you always have an open relationship with the surrogate mum, so for us it was easy to form an open relationship with the egg donor.  So I have stories and photos of the donor, and a special picture of the 3 mums: surrogate, donor and forever mummy. 
We had to tell our families, what was going on, as we had to appoint legal guardians for our children, in the event of anything happening to us.  If we had died, it would have been a bit of a shock for my sisters, to then discover, that they were responsible for deciding the twins future.
If you are going to keep your child’s past a secret, tell no one.  And I mean no one.  We met a couple in the USA, who planned to keep the fact that they used an egg donor a secret.  They talked to us about it, trying to decide what to do.  They thought, that as we were on the opposite side of the Atlantic, it didn’t matter.  I will never tell, but the problem is, my husband, who thinks he has to tell everyone everything, including their secret.  I worry that we will meet in the future, he, or someone he has told, will let the cat out of the bag and the child will be hurt.
Hubby is incapable of keeping a secret, and I would find it next to impossible to keep something like their past from my children, so we have told people.  And having told family, it was easy to tell close friends.
I wasn’t going to tell anyone else, because of other people’s reactions.  Most people are curious and eager to learn more.  The overwhelming majority of people you tell, are wonderful.  They might not know anything about the subject, but they are willing to listen and learn from those who do.  But you will meet people, who are highly opinionated and ignorant, who know, that they are right, and you are wrong.  Where would radio phone-in or TV talk shows be without them? It is supposed to make the shows more “interesting”?!!!
One of my friends had just lost her baby, at 27 weeks, when we told her.  I thought her negative reaction to what we were doing, was because of all the trauma she was going through.  But I now realise that there are some people who believe, that, if you just try a bit harder you will get pregnant naturally; that all children should be brought up with their birth parents – no adoption; how can a surrogate give away her own child – well the surrogate thinks of the child as ours and would be horrified to be left holding the baby and so on.  You get the picture.
I ended up feeling, that the information, belongs to our children and not me, so I have no right to talk pass the information on, without their permission.  I am revising that opinion now.  Why?
We have already begun to tell our children about their past.  I have lied to neighbours, my GP, etc. and told them, I conceived naturally and gave birth to them.  We were planning to move far away from here, about a year ago, so it didn’t matter.  But we will still be here in a year’s time, when the kids are 4 and talking, so they are likely to spill the beans.  Oops!  So, if you are going to tell the children, tell everyone.
If I had kept my children’s past secret, I wouldn’t have to deal with ignoramuses, but I couldn’t do that.  So, I have decided that there is nothing I can do about them, and I am just going to get on with my own life.  That’s the thing about infertility, it is all so out in the open.  Everybody can examine and question your decisions.  And they think they have a right to tell you how to run your life.
Unlike the US, where they believe that decisions like, how many embryos to implant, sex selection, selecting the embryo with the correct genetic makeup to help a sick sibling and so on, are personal decisions.  There, I had no problems telling total strangers, about what we did.  And everyone congratulated me on the birth of my twins.  I can’t imagine a stranger in the UK, thinking what I did was wonderful and weren’t we lucky to have two such beautiful children!
How do I feel about donor eggs?  You have to decide, if you want your own biological child so badly, that you are prepared to risk never having any children.  My decision, and yours may differ, is that I wanted a child so badly, I’d of done anything to have a child  Well anything legal, decent, etc., and didn’t hurt anyone in the process.  The actual process, in the USA, was relatively straight forward.  OK it took time.  We had a number of problems along the way.  But that’s life.
It was a lot of hard work to get to where we are today, but I wouldn’t have my life any other way.
Whatever you decide, good luck.  And may all you dreams come true.
Lorna
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Thanks for your reply Lorna , you've certainly given me food for thought !
Hope you have much joy with your lovely family
Love Dollyzx xx
 
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