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ZC - I think like motherhood in general I’m kind of winging it! With regards to the donor, I specifically wanted a one who the girls would be able to contact if they wanted to when they’re old enough. I asked DD#1 a couple of days ago if she thinks she would like to contact the donor when she’s old enough and she immediately said yes.  Ive told her I’ll apply for what info we can get now and she’s really excited about it.


Carrie - you must only have a week to go have you??
 

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NM, yes I'm booked for induction next Thurs (my due date) unless he comes sooner! Exciting  ;D
 

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This seems the best topic for your question, Beattie. Pregnancy and motherhood is enough to make anyone insecure: hormones or not, donor or not. We just have an extra topic from the selection of things we could worry about :).
My DD is only 1.5, but my husband mentions it every now and then to her, just so she will always have known, and to get used to it and so as to avoid having "The Big Telling" at some point in future.
We live abroad, and telling was always the way to go for us. So much that we decided to pay for our own treatment so our children could contact the donor at 18. Where we live I could have had a large part of the treatment reimbursed, but we would have to have had a life-long anonymous donor (current law).
I read somewhere about explaining the difference between secrets and privacy, and think we would try that once she can understand the concept. Before that there is not much point, but the topic of how she came to be will probably not be discussed with outsiders much. We do not make it a big secret, but of course do not just blurt it out any time. However when we do tell people they actually have a hard time believing it and think we are joking... They would never understand or believe what a small child is telling them on the subject, or just think she does not grasp the details if where babies come from.
My husband is a vet, which means most of the village know who he is, illustrated by the fact that a client of his mentioned she heard we were going to move, and knew exactly which house we have just bought... It makes him slightly afraid of the moment the news of his infertility spreads beyond close aquaintances and trusted friends, but that hurdle will just have to be taken when we get to it.
 

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Press release from AncestryDNA:

"November 28, 2018 - Ancestry today announced record-sales of AncestryDNA kits during the month of November, including the "Turkey 5" period from Thanksgiving through Cyber Monday. Sales were primarily driven by purchases made on Ancestry.com as well as on Amazon where AncestryDNA was the best-selling non-Amazon branded product on Cyber Monday for the second year in row. Following this record setting period, Ancestry has now sold more than 14 million DNA kits worldwide."

By the time they've tested those, they'll have more than doubled their database within a year. For better or worse, it's becoming ever more likely that people who are donor-conceived will find out, whether or not they are told, or ever even suspected.
 

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Hello everyone  :)  it's been ages since I was last on here and I see it's still very quiet. I just wanted to post about my eldest son Zachary who is nearly 9 ( :eek: :eek: ) I had a chat with him the other night, entirely led by him, about the donor and he amazed me with his insight and the questions he asked - it feels as if he is really starting to get it. I don't think he has yet made the leap to understanding that daddy isn't biologically related to him, but I'm sure that will come in time.


Unfortunately their dad and I have split up a few months ago (it is for the best and I know it was the right decision) but the boys still see daddy regularly and he's very involved.


I hope everyone else is well, it would be fantastic to hear from anyone who's still on this site x
 

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Wow can’t believe your big boy is nearly 9 I’ve read your posts in the past and that time seems to have flown. I haven’t been on here since last year so nice to see a new post on this thread. Lovely to hear he’s chatting about it, makes me realise I haven’t brought the subject up for a while x
 

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I have a probably unusual situation in that I am donor conceived and found out at 34. It was all anonymous back then and the clinic my Mum had treatment is long gone and likely records were destroyed. I don't have a massive issue with it but feel I have to be secretive because my Mum and Dad didn't tell a soul.

Our child is donor conceived with a non anonymous donor. I feel all confused about it at the moment. I have ordered a kit from ancestry . com and am considering looking into searching for 'siblings' for want of a better word/reality. I'm hesitant as I know of someone who found their 'half sibling' and they weren't aware they were donor conceived. I already had concerns about this. I can't imagine most who people sign up would even think that there may be a chance they have been conceived that way or that their family members were donors.

We plan to be open with our child about it all which my partner and I agreed on even before I found out I was DC but now I've been talking about finding out whether I have any genetic links out there it all feels very awkward between us and has been a daily discussion which it never was before. I read something in a DC group recently about the view on the 'it's the child's story to tell' thing and how if they want to share their conception story that's up to them but that by keeping it a secret from everyone else it's somehow still shameful, which it shouldn't be. My partner said he doesn't want the whole village to know etc which makes me feel really sad for him. No sure what replies I'm hoping to get but just wanted to share this some place people get it.
 

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@louise48910

If you want to share this some place people get the donor-conceived part of your situation, you'll find plenty at the Donor Conceived Register:
https://www.liverpoolwomens.nhs.uk/our-services/donor-conceived-register-dcr/
https://www.donorconceivedregister.co.uk/

Their DNA testing isn't great, and I'd stick to AncestryDNA and/or 23andMe in your position, but they have an active social media group that should be very supportive. There are lots of groups just for donor-conceived people too (so no donors, unlike the DCR), but I'd start there first.

If you know the clinic your mum used, you could also check the Donor Sibling Registry to see if there any matches. You have to pay if you find someone and want to message them though.

Your partner may be interested in this blog and the associated resources: http://di-dad.blogspot.com/
I couldn't find a group for DI Dads on this forum, but maybe your partner could start one??
 

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Thankyou for your response. I did speak with the DCR a year or so ago and had a long session on the phone with someone. I did complete the form to register but with a sleepless baby didn't get around to it. I think the social media group would be more helpful, like you say and do the DNA on a larger general site. I've just joined a couple of groups on social media and have been chatting with a woman who also discovered that they were dc as an adult who also has a DC child. I haven't told her mine is as I don't feel ready for that. I have a big issue with privacy online and letting strangers in, even before all of this. Thankyou, I will tell him about that but I think he really just wants to get on with life and semi forget about it on a day to day basis. I'm not angry with my Mum for using donor and not telling me but I am now feeling quite annoyed that it has totally changed our reality as in now I'm talking about my conception and it's been a daily reminder for my partner in the last week since for whatever reason I decided to join some social media groups. I think it also changes things for our child as I don't want him to feel he has to search for people, but it's also probably made me realise how many many half siblings he could have. We knew that was a likely thing but not how it would be in reality.
 

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Hello louise ,and evey1 else who may be interested.
There is a new Support Network out there for donor conception:

https://definingmum.com

In the website is a link to paths to parent hub. Which is members only ,so but better for those conscious of online privacy.
I believe there is a members fee however so if that is not for u there is plenty of free support via her website, ******** page and Instagram.

Might be good for people looking for a bit of an alternative to DCN
 

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Hello, this is my first time posting about this.
My DC is donor conceived - have been havering  how & when to tell him - he's 6. It just came out in a conversation earlier this week, flowed naturally on from what we were talking about. He wasn't fazed in the slightest, but immediately asked the donor's name which threw me . I told him the clinic wouldn't tell me the donor's name but that he could find out when he is older - it made me really glad that we opted for treatment in the UK, which we chose because we wanted him to be able to find out about the donor if he wants too. Weve been reading 'The Cow that Laid an Egg' since he was little &  I think that helped. Then the conversation just moved on to something else.
The clinic confirmed that our egg sharer's cycle was not successful but I guess that doesn't rule out other half siblings.
I still have a lot to process emotionally but at least I've told him & got the ball rolling.
I have finally had a second successful cycle & am 11 weeks with DC number 2, also donor conceived, & suspect his/her safe arrival (fingers crossed) will prompt more conversations.
 

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Hi Kjade, thanks for that! I'm on a few ** groups now and get lots of support with that. It's weird being both a product and recipient of donor sperm!

Lisanthus! Great to hear your talking about it went well. I've no idea what the right way to do it is but I guess referring to it in an equally casual way here and there makes sense. We've got a book - stupidly ordered the egg one haha, that I read to my son (age 3) and it just sits on his shelf and he gets it out every so often. Hoping it just becomes part of his life and it isn't a shock. I get why people don't tell and I'm pretty chilled about finding out but in our situation it's what's right for us.

Congratulations! I think a new baby is a definitely a good opportunity to explain how the baby got there :)
 

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Oh so interesting about the donors name. That’s something I’d answer the same way. Do you have pics of your donor? I’ve not shown anyone the ones I have. Only got two and not looked at them in a long while. But from memory my daughter does look like the donor.

We’re also expecting no. 2 but my daughter will be too young then to understand much as only 2 next year xx
 

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Advise needed please...

We have 2 children from known donor (my sister). Our son is 7 and daughter is 4. My sister ended up getting pregnant due to the hormones when she underwent the IVF for us and also had ended up pregnant when we went through FET so I have 2 niece's the same age as our children. Me and my sister are very close and our children have grown up together as best friends. We would love to tell our children how they are related but don't want to confuse things. They are cousins and best friends and my sister has never been more than an auntie figure to my children.

Any advise on how to explain to them regarding a known donor will be much appreciated.
 

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Hi sfield84, we’ve got a donor conception network book and have read that with my daughter for a while. She’s two so it’s just something we have in the house and say every so often.

Would this be the first mention of this news to your kids? I wonder if there are any people in the DCN who have used known donors too who could help.

Excuse my ignorance but when do kids learn about how babies are made? Do they know they were IVF? I’ve got an IVF book too.

My daughter doesn’t look like me so it’s maybe more obvious.

Hope someone can help offer advice who has been there xx
 

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Thank you for your response.

Our son has started to ask questions about where babies come from and think this has stirred up wondering how we should tell them. I think the thing we naively didn't think about when my sister offered to by our donor was how we would need to explain it to her children too. It's never been a secret and there's never been any deliberate intention not to tell them but I feel the longer it's gone on the harder it is as it feels like it would be more of a "big talk" than we wanted.
 
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