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Hello all. I am lying in bed praying that my lovely embies that I had put back yesterday are making themselves comfortable and implanting and thriving. I thought that as I was feeling alone and small and on my own that I would share my story.

In 1995 I got married and thought great, I'll have my three kids and give up work and that was that. On the evening before my wedding my friend took me to see a medium- I have never believed in anythng like that. I was expecting her to say I'd have my child in 9 months but she said that I would have to wait 3 years. Well sure enough that is how long it took. I became mad, obsessed, depressed and totally jealous of all my pregnant friends but my dearest wish came true in 1998 when I had the miracle of my daughter. I felt so selfish in wanting to give her a brother or sister and guilty that I wanted more!! But I did. I have come to terms with this over the past 7 years-I am not a freak for wanting what all women want-to have children.

I have tried ever since to get pregnant again but nothing has happened. In 2002 I went to my GP and went through the usual things-saw a gynaecologist had all the tests and was told that it would happen and that I had my daughter so shouldnt be too worried. And that I was lucky anyway so should be thankful that I already had a child. But I was!!! In 2003 I tried Clomid. praying every month for a positive pregnancy test but nothing nothing nothing. At the end of 2003 I was feeling very down and so I succumbed to IVF. After 8 days of stims the consultant sat me down and told me that I was too old (37y) my ovaries were not responding and I should be prepared for my menopuase. I cried buckets, and hugged my daughter and felt like a haggard 88 year old with wizened ovaries overnight. I was depressed and felt totally out of control.

One day I mentioned this to a new aquaintence as we sat together while our daughters played. Some wise crack sitting on the other side of me was banging on about 'when are you going to have another baby' 'Dont leave it too long' 'You are selfish not giveing your daughter a sibling' The big mouth got up and I turned to the aquaintance on the other side of me. I dont usually share any of these feelings but I just did. I told her that I was upset from this big mouth and that I had just had failed IVF. Then she poured out all her tales of her own IVF etc and the fact that she had been told to expect the menopause. I had no idea that she had gone through any of this. I just saw her as one of the lucky ones with 2 kids and never thought that she had ever had it anything but easy. On her 40th birthday she was told to read up on HRT as that was what the doctor told her that she needed and she was told that she would never have children. She was devastated. She then went to a hypnotherapist and ended up eventaully having 2 healthy babies at the age of 43 andf 45y!! She gave me the number of the hypnotherapist and told me not to give up hope.

So I went along and spent 1 year having therapy. She honestly changed a lot of the negative beliefs that I had about myself. Miraculously my FSH levels dropped dramatically. I went back to the IVF unit in October 2003 for another go. They could not believe it when I produced 8 eggs and 4 embryos. Unfortunately on the day of ET all the embryos became contaminated by a bug in the lab and so I did not have an ET. But I was boosted my my progress. I felt like I had progressed.

I gave my body 3 months off and in Feb 2005 came back for another go at IVF. I produced 9 egss this time and 7 embies and again the docs could not believe it. I had the best 2 put back yesterday and have luckily got the bonus of  5 frosties now too. I am so happy to have made it to transfer. I am willing my body on to nourish these embies and so that they can develope into healthy babies. Anyway, I have wittered on and on and maybe this is all too long but I wanted to share it with you. I am praying for the day that I can bring a lovely baby home for my daughter so that she is not alone. I am also very very grateful that I have her and that my body seems to have come back to life and is not giving up the fight!!

I just feel that fertility is something that most women take for granted and i certainly did at the age of 27y. But I have had this spectre over me for 10 years. I finally want to be rid of it. I know that having another baby will give me that peace. I have also learnt not to assume others have it so easy sometimes either when you see pregnant women or women with kids. We should all support each other a bit more and not judge. I think fertility problems really eat away at your core if you let it and you have to really fight to stay positive.
I am absolutely determined to have another beautiful baby. If any of you are feeling like it is all too much and against the odds then I hope that reading this will make you feel more positive. I have been to the lowest lows in the past 10 years, but I am not giving in to it. lots and lots of love and positive energy. May all your pregnancy tests be positive ones!!!!!
xxx
 

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Oh mY god!!! What an amazing story!!! Thanks so much for writing it. And it's so well put too. :)

I'm amazed at your FSH going down and so saddened by your bad luck the first IVF. Also, I cannot believe about your friend being told to look into HRT on her 40th! How cruel is that?!

I thought I'd just tell you a bit about me..I did 2 IVF's - had high FSH ( average about 16 ) - got 2/3 embies but no luck. Moved to the US , started TX , had two cancelled cycles as I didn't d/r, thought I'd have to do donor egg, but just as I was about to go into the the 3rd try I discovered Cetrodide ( through a messgae board like this ) - it had just been approved for use over there. Persuaded my doc to let me try it - his first patient to do so and with no prep, he had to make the decision that day!The follies didn't grow but I kept pleading with him to let me go another day. He was away for a week on vacation so I think that helped ;D When he finally came back he said we should cancel as the follies had taken too long to grow big enough and all the eggs would be cooked.DH and I persuaded him to let us go ahead with EC anyway. We got 8 eggs - more than I'd EVER had before. 5 fertilised, 3 made it to day 3 and then 2 made it to blast. I now have a little girl who's almost 4!!!

I've done another IVF since and got 2 eggs, one fertilised, stuck against all the odds but at the scan there was nothing there - devastating!

So now I'm waiting for my donor at CARE in M'chester to grow some nice eggies for me.

Wish I was stil in the US as the chances of success are SO much higher but the costs!!!! Also I am soo happy to back home where my DD can grow up next to her g/p's and I have my mum soo close..she is a rock, and inspiration and the best ma in the world..hope my DD can say the same of me in years to come eh? ;D

well, better go...sorry to go on and on but felt I had to reply to you and wish you all the very, very best for your 2ww...

your story is indeed inspiring...

take care,

D x
 

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Amberstar - I am touched by your story and I can related to much of what you have said. I look forward to hearing some good news from you on the 21st.

RSMUM - Hope Manchester comes up trumps for you.

Joy
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
RSMUM-thankyou so much- i was hoping that my ramblings had touched someone!! I really hope your donor comes through for you. My cycle was with Cetrotide luckily my consultant is really good and keeps trying! It is amazing that you kept going against all the odds and got your prescious baby-such a lovely story thankyou
xx
Longbay-many thanks for taking the time to write something. One week down and one to go until test day.
My daughter has no idea about all of this going on at present and asked me yesterday- 'mummy if you had a little baby in your tummy would you tell me?' i am praying that she has psychic powers-sad how we clutch at anything!!
xx
 

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An amazing story, puts the mind/body totally together. I am keeping all my fingers & toes crossed for you , good luckXXXXXXXXXXXX
 

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Will be thinking of you on the 21st - how are you feeling now?Did you see the programme on ITV?How are you coping with the long long 2ww? It is incredible that you have so many frosties - certainly is a great thing to know they're sitting there.

I have my ET tomorrow - the donor produced 9 eggs for us, 6 fertilized and 5 made it to this morning.So, not sure what shape we'll be in tom. but fingers crossed.

Hope the next 3 days fly by for you! ;D

^reiki^ ^reiki^xxx
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
RSMUM
OMG your ET tomorrow-Good Luck!!! Fingers crossed this will be your time . You deserve it.
I did see the TV programme and it was wonderful that they both had BFPs. I was just wishing it was me!! And that beautiful newborn with his big brother. Am just praying that will be me one day showing off a little brother or sister to my DD. It was really good for my friends to see too as they now have more of an idea about what it all involves. I just popped in here today but am mainly on 2ww board now with all the other poor wretches!!
Hoping you will be joining us and then hopefully giving us some good news soon.
xxx
 

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Thanks for replying - not sure if I'll go over to the 2ww - bit too much - we'll see...How are you coping?

ET went well - 2 6 celled embies went in but a bit sad as the other three weern't good enough to freeze - it's SOOO scary thinking this is it! Off to lie down and clutch my precious picture next to my tum for the next 2w's!

D x
 
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