[Bubbles12]

Ive been wanting to do a parenting diary for quite some time now but what has stopped me is the question... 'is my life interesting enough for people to want to read about it?'

Well..  we shall see...

So, i have an existing diary already, my journey to become a mummy. But what happens after that?? Live happily ever after....??

So, in short, me 32... OH 53. 4 cycles of ICSI, 2 miscarriages, 3 lost babies, countless lost tears... but most of all..... 1 miracle Boy who we will call......Bear!
Bear is now 22 months and will be 2 in may! A whole 2!!!

Bear decided he didnt want to come when we expecting him to, and came into our lives 7 weeks early, born at 4lb6oz... he was perfect!

Its been a whirlwind of sleepless nights, reflux, smiles, laughter, worry, frustration, fun, hard work and lots of love!

Being a mum is the most rewarding, heart warming, natural, most beautiful thing on this planet but god damn it is hard work!!!!
Bear has been a little slow on his development, perhaps due to being prem, or just how he is. He didnt crawl until he was 16 months, and walked at 20 months. He also has something called joint laxity which means he is a very flexible boy. This causes delays in reaching milestones and feeding himself. To be honest, they, i guess are worst case senario's, although he isnt too good at feeding himself.
Bear is a funny boy, he is happy, alot! He has a great sense of humour and loves making people laugh. He likes people too, a very social boy. Talks giberish to anyone, whether they are listening or not. He makes me laugh everyday. He is impatient,and a bad tempered little so and so too!

So, ive currently been back at work since April last year. I had a fight keeping my job whilst on maternity which subsequently ruined my maternity leave. My company, or my boss at the time wanted to use my maternity as a way of saving money and demoting me for no real reason... i took it higher, put a grievance into head office... and won.
Fast forward a year, and my flexible working is now up and so, the fight will begin again.... im just waiting for work to ring the bell!!! #dingdong
I work 3 on 3 off 11 hour shifts and dont get home until 17:45 as i work 23 miles from home. Its hard... i dont see Bear until that time, then he goes to bed after in the night garden at 18:50. But i do get 3 whole days off with him. So currently it works!

Me and OH are getting married in 10 weeks... so the pressure is on. A nice church ceremony followed by a sit down meal at a rugby club (done up nice and swarve) and a disco later on. The church is in the centre of town too!
Unfortunatly, OH has a broken wrist and is off work. He had to have an OP on it and have pins in. Over 4 weeks on, he is still in quite alot of pain and the upset it has caused in our everyday life is draining.
Im having to do everything, drive everywhere, cook everything... i dont mind, its just a shock to the system. And im totally knackered!
Bear started sleeping through at around 5 months old, 12 hours a night, perhaps once a week or so, we would have a bad night but nothing to write home about...
Then....
We had to move due to new horrid neighbours moved in. So we moved to a brand new house, brand spanking new...
Within 2 weeks, bear got a cold... then another... then another.
We moved in July and he had a cold every 10 days until January..  with these colds came coughs... then we had chicken pox, whooping cough, 2x viral infections!
In January, we had 3 weeks of no illnesses, and he slept through everynight... since then, we are back to colds and coughs although no as bad as pre christmas...
Most nights, he wakes and cries within the 1st hour of going to sleep, i just put him back down, stroke his head and leave. Normally, that will do it until the early hours, where he will either just start crying or he gets a cough that lasts about 20 mins... its weird and we cant say what is wrong if there is anything wrong at all.
So thats where im at.... ive gone from a baby that was excellent at sleeping, all my mummy friends were envious to this where he wakes 1-3 times a night!
Crazy!

So its mothers day tomorrow and we are all off to the seaside.. me, OH, bear, stepson #1, stepson # 2 and his girlfriend!

Catch up soonies

Xx

 

[Bubbles12]

Happy mothers day

I had the best day! We all went to skeggy for the day...
Weather was gorg.
My stepson asked if i had put sunscreen on bear and i said no, it wasnt warm enough.... how wrong was i! Little bear had burnt his face slightly! Bad mum moment.
Bear was really well behaved... i think he really enjoyed himself!
Created lots of memories today

Ive pretty much eaten everything today, im starting cambridge diet (just for 1 week) so eating everything in sight!

Anyway, off to bed, work in the morning x

 

[Bubbles12]

The last few days have been tough...

Bear yesterday was a handful, screaming when he wanted something and having tantrums when he couldnt. This, of course is totally normal for a nearly 2 year old. He smacked me in the face at least 3 times, pinching me too... the little so and so. He knew he had hit my point though as when he seen mummy was mad, he swooped for a love... really knows how to pull on my heart strings!

For some, after reality sets in, having a child becomes the norm... the cuddles, the kisses, the tugging at the legs when all they want is you... but for me, everytime he does any of these, i stop and do what he wants, give him a cuddle etc... and everytime i rememver how lucky i am.

So, last night, he got me up around 2-3 times, a cough developed and has been with him all day. So ive resided that tonight, i wont be having much sleep. I hate it when he is ill. Wish i could make him better.
To think, he was sleeping through from 4 months, until he was 15 months... i can only put it down to teething.

Ive stroped off to bed in a mood. Ive always battled with smoking... the longest ive stopped for was when i was pregnant. I always try though, quit for months, then start again for a few weeks. But OH is an anti smoker and hates it with a passion (even though he met me when i was a smoker) so he just realised i was smoking again and hit the roof... im not really wanting to be around him so ive come to bed!
Ive been on the cambridge diet for nearly 6 days, its hardcore but i have a wedding dress to get into... ive lost 7lbs so far and still have 2 days to go... the  i will go straight onto slimming world to lose the last 9lbs...
Work have now arranged a meeting for my flexible working which will be on friday... im nervous as i know they want to take me off it.... i really cant. Ive applied for another job but i will be taking quite a wage drop. I will just have to see how that goes

 

[Bubbles12]

Having a hot bath whilst OH is keeping am eye on bear...
So, work has been tough, management are putting alot more pressure on us. I had 2 telling off's by 3 different managers about the same thing on Monday... i truly hate it there.
I have applied for another job and got further into the application, im just waiting to see if i can get am interview. The way im feeling, even if i do get my flexible working agreement extended, if i get the job, i may just leave anyway!
We have our meeting on friday and im nervous, im not keen on the manager hearing it, he is terrible for interupting amd asking questions but not giving you the chance to answer them!
I managed to lose 10lb on that diet i was doing, ive been back to slimming world for 3 days and put on less than a lb which is to be expected. Only 7lbs to go for the wedding target.
Wedding is less than 2 months away, im getting nervous about it running smoothly. Me and OH are doing a mash up 1st dance rather than the traditional one, just to do something different... only, its becoming very apparent that OH can NOT dance, at all.
Bear is ok. 2 more teeth have cut which answers for the sleepless night last night. I think he has havfever too as he was playing in the garden whilst OH was mowing the grass, bear was constantly coughing amd his nose was pouring.

Anyway, i better go, its nearly bear's bedtime amd im still melting in the bath!

X

 

[Bubbles12]

So the work meeting went as expected, his opening lines were 'we need you to work your contract of days and nights so they basically have made their decision. I was thinking fu*k fu*k fu*k! What am i going to do!

But.....
Since the meeting, ive been doing my research. It appears that if a company do not agree with the employee a temporary agreement with/or an end date. Then the flexible agreement becomes permanent! Yes!
Whether the company are dim to this or they think i am..
The law is the law. So, im not so worried now about losing my job although i know i have a fight on my hands.
I also know that eventually, i will have to leave as they will probably end up trying to manage me out by preformance.

Bear is well, we have had 3 full nights of sleeping *touch wood*
We went to the park with a friend today and her little boy  Ralph. He is adorable.
Bear's talking is coming along nicely and still melts my jeart when he says mummy. It also melts my heart how if he hurts himself, or daddy tells him off, he comes straight to me for a cuddle.

 

[Bubbles12]

Things just get worse

So OH broke his wrist at work (we work at the same company). Initially, work wers keen for his return, said he could come back and do office work etc... now, fast forward 6 weeks and he is ready to come back to work, will the let him....nope! They are saying for insurance purposes, he cant do one of his main jobs and they dont have any work for him to do in the office, which is complete BS!

So i had a chat with my childminder last night and it appears that i wont be able to take this job after all, potentially. My childminder doesnt want to work 5 days a week and this new job may require her to do that. The only other way around it is by having a 2nd childminder, bit i REALLY do not want to do that... so it looks like im stuck where i am until bear goes to school

On better notes, i went for my dress fitting and when i bought my dress in June, it fit perfectly. Now, its way too big and needs to be taken in, alot!!!

X

 

[Bubbles12]

So for the last week, bear was sleeping through, not a peep out of him from 7 until 7... until saturday night so it was nice whilst it lasted. It must be his teeth, he isnt unwell, so it surely is the only cause.
OH is off to blackpool on saturday for a mini stag. My hen is the saturday after. Im doing cocktail making then a meal after. I dont plan on getting carried away, the thought of a hangover and a toddler makes me want to heave!
OH has his meeting to return to work so he has had strict instruction to keep his cool amd hopefully, they will let him come back.
Only 6 weeks and 5 days until i get married!!

 

[Bubbles12]

Last night was a little eventful.
Bear went down at 7, slept for 2 hours then started coughing... here we go again!
Within 10 mins he was crying and coughing. Although most, of their babies cry, parents will, and are probably advised to leave them to try and settle themselves. In my case, we cant. When bear cries, it very quickly ends up in vomiting if we dont see to him. And last night, this is what happened, well, nearly. It resulted in a 20 minute heaving fit, where he was heaving, crying amd coughing.
This time, he wouldnt have any water nor calpol so we just let him play and calm himself down. He did by 10ish.
As i recall, he got me up at around 1 'for a cuddle'.
I love his cuddles, but if i had the option, id have more in the day and nome through the night, but it doesnt work like that eh!
Well, job interview went well. I think i have the job. (Being slightly cocky) if there is a reason why i wont get it, its because i may have downplayed my flexibility for the role...
But, i think if i am successful, my start date may have to be after the wedding.
I should find out mid next week. I then, if i get it, before accepting. Need to go through it with my child minder amd if she can do the extra days, then il accept!

X

 

[Bubbles12]

Today, i thought i was wiping bear's bum with a baby wipe.........

I wasnt.....

 

[Bubbles12]

This morning, i watched OBEM.... i remember watching this Pre-bear and being in envy of all the women giving birth, wondering if it would ever be me. Wondering if there would ever be a time where i could watch it, and not feel anything... so fast forward to post-Bear, the answer is No. Even now, i still feel jealous. Jealous of them having all that excitement, of the falling in love with this new human, the birth, all if it. When i think about life with bear, even now, i get excited... i wonder what kind of boy he will be, what kind of teenager and eventually the adult he will turn into. Its so exciting... but i was always meant to be a mum to more than 1.... my fate took a different path.
Bear is enough for me, more than. He makes me so bloody happy its unreal. The journey i had to get him has made him enough for me, to be grateful of how lucky i actually am.
But my heart breaks for him, he will never have a little brother or sister to grow up with, to share memories of his childhood with, to share the burden of me with when im old...
So, with that being said.... i want another baby.
There are other reasons, more personal to me on why i do. Like, i want a pregnancy to go to term, i want to breastfeed, i dont want to get so hung up on little things like i did with bear. I want to be pregnant and feel them move and kick.
Obviously, thats all rainbows and butterflies... the reality is, once thats all done and dusted, i will be sleep deprived, frustrated and probably fat after having 2 kids (to make it clear, im not skinny now, quite the opposite) but id welcome all of them, just for bear.
But, 1 slight problem in all this..... the Mr. He is adament he doesnt want another. He is 20 years my senior and we have no money. But im still gonna to die trying.

As for the Mr, he is in Blackpool, on his mini stag. So its just me and Bear until monday. Bear has been so good today. We went shopping this morning before OH left for Blackpool, bear had a nap then we met with my sister for a walk round the country park and ice cream. It was bear's first ice cream with a cone by himself and i was nervous. Bear doesnt like getting dirty which is mine and OH fault. I still somewhat baby Bear and up until today, i still thought he was too young to hold and have his own ice cream, until i saw a boy, who was younger having one...
Trouble is, bear struggles eating my himself, he can with finger food, but cant do it with cutlery... again, my fault.. i dont encourage it enough. Plus he has joint laxity, which kids with this do struggle with cutlery.
But, the ice cream was fine, he only got a little messy and didnt really have much of it... so i had to have it

 

[Bubbles12]

OH is back from blackpool. He didnt enjoy it, he said its really run down since the last time he went.
Bear was good one of the 2 nights of OH being away. For the past 2 nights, he haa got me up 2-3 times. Must be his teeth.
Whilst OH was in blackpool, he kept telling me how much he missed us, which was nice. I could see how much bear was missing him, kept calling for him.. but me, i didnt really miss OH (how bad does that sound) i havent told him this mind. I actually quite enjoyed it. Having the bed to myself, coming back to a tidy house, having bear all to myself, it was nice.
No word on the Job front yet, should hear this week. I really want it and im hoping my childminder will be able to do the extra days i need.

Diet isnt going well i need to get refocused again as only just over 5 weeks until the wedding...

Oh, and i still want another baby.....

 

[Bubbles12]

Soaking up the sun in the garden whilst OH takes bear for a walk...
So, a bit has happened... firstly, i had my hen do... it was an amazing night, i was drinking from 4pm until 3am so no wonder i got a 3 day handover.... not even kidding... even a week on, im still struggling to eat. But that has its perks as i have lost 6lbs this week and finally... after 2 years, got toy pre pregnancy weight!

Bear is well, he has woken up with a slight cold but doesnt seem to be bothering him much. Its his birthday a week on thursday... i cant believe he will be 2!!

Other news, i got offered the job i went for and after a week, i accepted. Its a good job i did as i had my flexible working meeting on friday and they are taking me off it.... even if it is totally illegal...
So im seekimg advice on how to go about handing my notice in and taking the situation to the next stage.

 

[Bubbles12]

So, how can i even believe that Bear is 2 tomorrow! I keep thinking about how this time 2 years ago, my contractions had just started. And although he was prem, it simply was the best and most amazing experience i have ever gone through (maybe the most painful too)
So, tomorrow, we are off the stratford to take bear to the butterfly farm, then off for afternoon tea. No party this year.. just a quiet one.
In other news, i handed in my notice at work. The resignatiom letter was nearly 2 pages long and nothing was held back. Ive told them that i am now seeking legal advice. So, they now want to have a meeting with me to discuss it.
I have to go, although i dont want too, just to hear the company out and how they will try and wriggle themselves out of it. Plus, they have me on the rota coming in next week on nights, which they know i cant do, so i need to discuss how im to get around that.

Only 17 days until i become a Mrs then followed by a much needed holiday!

X

 

[Bubbles12]

Bear's birthday was a quiet one, but lovely. We went to stratford. He was more reluctant with the butterflies than the last time we went.. the last time we went, he was nearly 1 and went around the whole farm with a butterfly on his head. We also went for afternoon tea, which was yummy
We then came home, and just had a quiet afternoon at home.
Stress levels are at their highest, some i cant go into, but mostly work related. Ive been signed off from work due to stress and wont be going back. I had to go in last tuesday to discuss the contents of my resignation... which was completely pointless...
So, i get married a week tomorrow and nerves are kicking in... and maybe a little jittery too....

X

 

[Bubbles12]

Eeeeek!

Im getting married tomorrow!!!!

 

[Bubbles12]

Its been a while since i posted, and this is my first post as a married woman!

Wedding was lovely, no hiccups, weather was nice and everything went smoothly. I wish i could do the day all over again (only to wear my dress)
Honeymoon was ok, bear was naughty, naughry enough where we said we deffo wont be taking him abroad next year! It was bloody hard work!
Talking of work, i started my new job last week. As i havent learnt anything in 6 years (work wise) its a shock to the system, im not picking it up as well as i hoped but its still early days. Hubby is finding it hard, adjusting to my new hours as it means a little less sleep for him but we really didnt have a choice. Things are still ongoing with my old work, im not letting this drop!

As for bear, the terrible two's are amongst us, by god he is a git! He has now started sighing at me if i aak him to do something.. god knows where he got that from, lol!
Other than that, he is his normal happy self. He is starting to put words together now so thats funny to see.
He melts my heart everyday!

Its that time of year again where we have to pay for the sperm storage and im in 2 minds what to do... at this time, i dont want another child, nor am i in a position to... and i doubt we will be in a position to in the future either, not only financially, but with hubby being quite some older than me and he is adament he doesnt want anymore... bit the ONLY thing that is stopping me is if i change my mind, which i do tend to from time to time... the doc thay got the sperm from hubby told us never to throw away human cells as you never know what the future holds, so i have that in my head but i really cant seeing us having another child.

What to do, what to do....

 

[Bubbles12]

Dear diary....

Im back!!!!

My, its been nearly a year since i last posted.

DS is 3 next week and what a cracker he is. This kid frustrates the hell out of me but within seconds actually makes my heart smile. He is a naughty, trying little character who knows how to push my buttons and practices this on a daily basis...
But...
He is the most affectionate, loving sweet little boy who loves people (especially his mumma) he talks to everyone and have a lovely smile and a cheeky laugh. He truly melts me when he rests his head on my lap, kisses my leg and says 'uve you mummy' im absolutely in love and besotted by him.
That kid has got me!!!

Me and OH have now settled into married life but hit a rocky patch about 6 weeks after the wedding... i think all the hype if the wedding to then nothing made me feel pretty lonely. I was adapting to my new job, as a newbie, i was aware that the girls at work were being mean and nasty behind my back (which is quite funny as i get on with one of them so well now, the other too) and i was adjusting to the new hours and being alone every night as Hubby worked nights, made me question my life and if i was happy.
I thought i didnt love my husband and that i wanted to separate but wasnt ready to make that decision. I told hubby how i was feeling so we decided to change a few things.

Its quite funny, but most of what we changed hasnt continued, but we are back on track... mostly.

So in the midst of our blip, we threw away the sperm frozen.. i was a little more reluctant but he was adamant he didnt want anymore, so we chucked away 6 vials of healthy sperm (i could cry)

Ive been telling my husband for some time now that we needed to consider another child, for our DS. He is the type of child that needs a sibling, he has too much love and needs a playmate. Not only that, hubby is 20 years older than me, and as morbid as it sounds, i need to think about when he is gone, what if i get ill? Need looking after? Christmases? I need to share the burden (me) with a sibling so its not all down to my DS.
Finally, after 2 years, i kinda thought that this time, i wasnt going to get my own way on this one and hadnt mentioned it for a few weeks and out he comes with 'i want another baby'
Music to my ears.
Can we afford it? God no, we are up to our eyes in it and we rent so dont even own our own house, but i dont care.

So the original plan was to egg share again, we even had an app booked for tomorrow, but we have decided as this really is our last shot, we may as well pay for our own cycle.
So, tomorrow, im off to the doctors to get referred. Ive worked out our budget, and worked out how much its going to cost using the clinics price list and comes out just £45 short of our budget, so im pretty nervous that ive missed something!

Im back on the IVF wagon!!!!

 

[Bubbles12]

Dear Diary

Typical, my first day off since friday and the sun has gone in! Yet, here i am eating my lunch 'in the sun' with goosebumps!!!

Me, OH and DS went for a walk this morning which was nice.
DS skin is so bad from the sun, covered in rashes and scratches, i was given a wad of prescriptions for him so hopefully something will work. We go away to Kos next month so really need to sort it.

We went to the doctors yesterday and he is going to refer us for treatment this week. He said it should take up to 8 weeks for us to get an app.
When we egg shared in 2014, it was a 6 month wait for the SSR, im not sure if A) its changed now as they only used to do SSR's 1 day a week B) will be different as we are self funding this time.. im hoping its not as long, but if it is, i can reep the benefits of still being able to go on a prebooked holiday next year. Some may say, why not wait til the holiday is over, but im not a patient person and i want to do it before i reach 35.

I have found after trawling through the internet that its hard to find the exact cost of a cycle, the hidden costs and the costs people dont think of, so, at the bottom of each post that is TTC#2 related, im going to state what the treatment has cost so far, detailing every penny.
I know there was a lady back in 2014 that did it but i cant find it and i know she forked out alot for immunes etc..

So, here we go..

Cost for TTC#2

£0 - Lol. Well, if we add the cost of vitamins... its £16so far!!

 

[Bubbles12]

Dear Diary

We came back from a week abroad today to a lovely letter.

The letter was an appointment for 26th June! Finally!!! Only 2.5 weeks to go.
I feel a little bad keeping it from my family, i feel like im being dishonest, but its for the best. My mum would worry and i know my sister and dad wouldnt agree with me trying again. So, its best they dont know, until they need to know.

Holiday was great. DS was very up and down with his behaviour. Since turning 3, its like somebody turned the back chat switch. If i ever tell him off for something he has done wrong, i then get a telling off in return! Sometimes its funny... mostly its frustrating!!
He didnt like the water, unless he was clinging on to my neck for dear life, he didnt like the kids entertainment either. He loved the beach (sand) but all in all, we had a good week.

We managed to sort his skin out and find a sun cream that suited him. For all mums with children with very sensitive skin, try Soltan sensitive (30spf) from boots. Amazing!!!!

 

[Bubbles12]

Dear diary

Its really warm tonight. DS room is 26 degrees! I never know how best to dress him. So tonight he is in a thin cotton tshirt and his boxers on with a thin (ish) blanket. His window is open and a fan on.
We tried to take the bed guard away the other night, but he fell out of bed so its back on tonight.

I received a call from my doctors, the cancelled my IVF app at Coventry. To cut a long story short, when i was referred, the person booking my app thought i was asking for funding (even though it clearly stated 'self funding) so my app was made with a consultant that only deals with NHS patients. Lots of tooing and throwing over the past day but i now have an appointment on the 10th July with another consultant in the private section of the centre. The consultant actually did my OH SSR back in 2014.... amd here we are 4 years later asking for another because my husband wanted to throw the last lot away (hashtag im not bitter)
Talking of SSR, the secretary confirmed there is still a waiting list for SSR as they still on do these once a month. So we have a long wait before we can start. I could strangle him for throwing away good sperm!!!!!!!
So, thats 3 weeks to wait now... until the next wait anyway!