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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
In my dreams everything was perfect and rosy, everything was done by the perfect parent handbook instructions followed to a T.

The reality my perfect has low standards, my rosy is more rose tinted and the perfect parent handbook... That went out the window probably in the first 24hrs
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
At this present moment in time I have a 23 month old daughter... That's almost a 2 year old! I've no idea where those 2 years went, they are just gone... Like that... in a flash.

They weren't kidding when they said your life hits full speed at fast forward when you have a baby. They've been easily the best 2 years of my life, but also the most challenging. I wouldn't change Little P for anything, I do sometimes wish she had an instruction manual to make parenting her that little bit easier.

We're right in the throes of the terrible 2's as they are described. 90% of the time I have an angel who is so entertaining and loveable but that other 10%... I'm wishing it was bedtime, wanting the world to swallow me whole, saying for **** sake and chanting it's just a phase repeatedly through gritted teeth with tears streaming down my face.

I used to say that the newborn phase and the lack of sleep (hourly wake ups at one point) was the final decider in me being 1 and done... Yep revising that statement a toddler having a raging temper tantrum and trying to pull chunks out of herself whilst almost frothing at the mouth... That has sealed the deal!!!
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
So the background info, how it all began can be found by following the links

Thought it'd be easier for me than trying to recall all the little details of the journey to the beginning of being a real growed up one that is proper responsible for a whole other person

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=262021.0

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=277060.0

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=284733.0

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=291302.0

You deserve some kind of special recognition if you get through that lot and still continue to follow this.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Baby Robots Birth Story

I'm starting my birth story a little different, it's starting almost 2 weeks before my little angel actually made her appearance.

I apologise in advance for all the waffle and the sheer length of what you are about to read :D


October 6th

So it's my first midwife appointment having gone overdue. All the normal checks were done, B.P, dip test, feel of bump to guage position and listen to heartbeat. To my disappointment baby is still only half engaged like she was at the previous appointment almost 2 weeks ago. Midwife Helen decides to try a sweep and is unsuccessful, cervix is still 2 cms long, only just beginning to soften and is posterior. She does a little stretch in the hope that will start things off and gives me a bishops score of 3. I ask about induction but am told nothing will be booked until next Monday when she examines me again to see what changes have happened, there are different methods of induction the drip, pessary or propess tampon 24hr,then pessary and she wont know which one to book until next Monday. I leave full of hope that things may start to happen naturally.

A couple of days later I wakein the early hours in pain and I've started to pass brown sludge, the kind you get just before AF makes an appearance. I'm tempted to tell Jon to stay off work but decide to take 2 paracetamol and get some sleep I'm so tired. The brown discharge continues on and off for a couple of days, at 1 point I ring the hospital due to the volume of it but I'm told just to monitor it for an hour or so along with movement... NO FURTHER ACTION!!!

October 13th

40+8 time for the progress check with Helen and its bad news absolutely no progress in my lady bits still getting a bishops score of 3, but on the positive baby is now fully engaged. A sweep wasn't possible again.
Helen goes through the induction process with me. Because of my score she recommends the 24hr propess followed by pessary method. Apparently the propess is a slow acting hormone to soften the cervix gradually over 24hrs, in about 3-5% of cases it can work quicker than 24hrs but it's rare for this to happen.
I was already dreading Jon being bored for a natural labour that could take 12hrs to establish now I had an extra day for him to be bored and cranky because he's bored!
I've lost all hope of going naturally now, my pool birth plan is out the window because I'm being induced so have to be on the labour ward .... all the machines and medical equipment instead of the relaxing Eden Suite with just a midwife.
Induction is booked to start at 1pm Friday 17th Oct all being well I could be cuddling my baby sometime Sunday :)

Thursday I'm convinced my waters have broken as I get out of the bath, I ring the hospital who tell me to put a pad on, lie down for an hour then see what happens when you stand.
Turns out I must have a fanny like a bucket that held onto bath water... the pad is bone dry. My last wishful hope of a natural birth is shattered.

October 17th

I woke randomly through the night as I had through most of my pregnancy. I'd started passing the brown sludgy discharge again the afternoon before and through the night I'd started to get mild period pain. I thought nothing of it and maybe it was just down to being examined the other day, like last time only the pain this time wasn't as severe.
We spent the first part of the morning sorting a couple of bits, and giving the cats lots of attention their lives are about to change loads.

We leave the house at 1230 to get to the hospital for the 1pm kick off.... Great start we arrive to be told they aren't quite ready can we come back at 3pm (someone had tried to ring me, my mobile battery had died through the night and I didn't switch it back on until we were leaving and didn't get any messages)
So off we went for a coffee and a sandwich which took all of half hour, there was practically no signal for using mobiles... It was a long 2 hours!! 3pm and we're finally shown to our room No 7 home away from home I said (we live at No 7) it wasn't quite as homely though.

A few of the midwife team come in and out introducing themselves , I can see Jon is starting to get fed up that we have been left an still nothing has been started. It's 430 before they link me up to the fetal monitor, things have sarted at last. I found it quite stressful being on the monitor, I'd never been on one before so didn't know what the normal fluctuations for baby's heartbeat should be and there was quite a variance in them. The monitor picked up the braxton hicks I was having, they were all painless and not bothering me.
At 5pm I was given a meal it looked like poop, but didn't taste too bad... It only stayed down til around 7pm.
530pm and the midwife is ready to examine me for the propess tampon. I'm 1cm dilated, cervix still posterior but softening nicely. She explains how the induction will work, in 24hrs they will remove the propess, examine me and insert a pessary that will be in for 12 hours, she then says it will be sometime Monday I give birth. Jon is less than impressed hearing that, I tell him he should probably go home and come back in the morning. He says no, he'd stay til 9ish. I'm monitored for another 30 mins then free to go wandering. It's past 6pm now so there is nothing open we have a lttle walk in the grounds but it's fairly cold so we head back to my room. I'm starting to feel pain now so take 2 paracetamol to ease it while we figure out how to use the tens machine. By 8pm the tens is turned up to 5 and I'm thinking I'm such a wimp. I couldn't have any more pain relief yet it was too soon. I was sick around now and also had the squits (sorry tmi) I notice fresh blood and panic. I send Jon to get someone only to be told its normal, they bring me a ball to bounce on. By now I'm in loads more pain and I'm told to bounce, move around and turn the tens up gradually to help.
930pm and after begging for more pain killers I'm given 2 codeine, I managed to drop them on the bed, Jon was getting narky with me now and snapped 'why didnt you swallow them from the cup' .. because I never thought of it, I've got fingers to put tablets in my mouth with! I was complaining too much, the midwives have other patients too.
1030pm and I'm moaning to Jon that the codeine are crap and are doing nothing and how it can't be normal to be in this much pain so soon, the tens was only taking my mind off the contractions  slightly. His reply was 'you need to dig deep and find some inner strength, your only in the beginning part of labour, it's going to get a lot worse' of course this wasn't said in a nice way but his moody I'm so peed off with you voice. I told him to go home he wasn't useful to me being tired and moody himself.  A midwife came to check on me around now and I told her I was having lots of contractions, I  hadn't timed them so she asked me to do this for the next 20 minutes.

In the 20 minutes I had 10 contractions lasting between 40 seconds and a minute, so the midwife went to get the monitor to confirm what I was saying. Jon now decided he'd had enough of me moaning and wasting the time of the midwives being a hyperchondriac so he kissed me goodbye (it was a bitter farewell from us both) and said I'll come back around 10am... hopefully in a better mood!
11pm I was hooked to the monitor again and around 20 minutes later the midwife came back to check the reading, on doing that she said she needed to do an internal examination. I was now 7cms dilated and my waters were bulging, contractions were approx every 2 - 2 1/2 minutes lasting about a minute. It was time to move me.

I was asked what type of pain relief I'd like when I got to the labour ward, to which I replied everything possible, even epidural even though I'd stated in my birth plan I didn't want it but if it was guaranteed to take the pain away then give it to me ( by now I'd had enough of the tens it was cranked up past 10 and the bolts of shocks were more uncomfortable than helpful)
The midwife then told me that I was going to the Eden suite not the labour ward as there were no problems with me or baby and I could have the water birth I originally wanted. It's rare for someone who is induced to make it to the midwife led unit, but if I seriously wanted epidural then I couldn't go... I soon changed my mind on that... TAKE ME TO THE POOL.

I still had no signal on my phone so the midwife had to ring Jon to get him to come back. He'd literally got home, changed into his trackie, fed the cats and stuck a micro meal on to cook. So he waved goodbye to his dinner and got back to the hospital for midnight, by which time I was already comfy in the pool with the gas and air.
I was surprised at how well the water actually eased the pain, it was bliss. It didn'y get rid of all the pain but it certainly helped. The gas and air made me queasy so I  didn't use it too often, Jon probably had more of it than I did while the midwives were out of the room. They only came in to check my pulse and baby's heartbeat every 2O minutes. (I had a trainee as well as a qualified midwife)
The 4 hours I was in the pool passed quickly and peacefully,(until the screamer moved in next door) the midwife explained what my waters breaking in the pool would look like and said she'd go over how Jon would get the baby out of the pool once she was born after I'd been examined The tap was dripping constantly but I found it relaxing. After 4 hours I had to be examined and they couldn't do that in the water so out I got with gas and air to hand.

I wasn't able to empty my bladder when I got out, so before examining me the midwife emptied it for me with a catheter, she said to give the baby more room to get out I wasn't going to put up a fight, I just wanted her to do what she needed to as quickly as possible so I could get back in the pool.
There was no change since coming down from maternity, still 7cms and waters bulging. I asked how many cms I should be and she said 10 ( should dilate 1/2 cm an hour) another blow. She then said she would break my waters to see if that helped to speed things along. Pop and the atmosphere changed in an instant, you could see concern in the faces of the midwife and trainee

The baby had passed mecconium, no more pool birth for me. I was walked the short distance from the Eden suite round to the labour ward with no pain relief and just gas and air waiting for me.
I was tacicardic when I got there, probably shock from developments and my walk, so was quickly placed on all kinds of monitors for me and baby.

4am and they are just getting me comfy in my new room with all the medical equipment everywhere. The gas and air they give me has a dodgy mouth piece that makes a funny squeaking noise when it's first used everytime which makes me laugh. They give me a shot of pethidene to ease the pain, I can't have any other meds as the baby should be born quite soon and it's too late. I'm told to drink loads as dehydration will slow contractions

5am and it's decided I need more fluids, despite drinking like a fish the contractions are slowing. It takes 2 people 3 attempts to get the cannula in, I have what they call wobbly veins :D They also give me an isotonic drink (worst tasting drink ever) in the hope all the extra fluids work.

530am time for another internal, I'm fully dilated now but told I wont start pushing for about another hour, baby isn't quite in the right position. A clip is put on baby's head to monitor her as the machine isn't picking her up because of where she is.
45 mins later, the extra fluids aren't keeping the contractions going just 2 every 10 mins now, it's decided they'll give me the hormone drip to speed them up. I'm dead against it after the pain I felt with the propess but don't really have a choice. I have to have it and still no more pain killers are allowed. Once the drip kicks in and the contractions start I'm told to start pushing... I'm sure by now the pethidene is wearing off, or maybe I'm a wimp either way I'm feeling pain again and just have gas and air to see me through it. Bit crap as you can't push and suck on the gas and air at the same time.
The midwife looking after me now is a total nutcase, so bouncy and loud and bubbly and encouraging. Jon feels a bit of a dick telling me to push, your doing so well etc but does it anyway. The midwife is saying come on push harder this baby will be here by shift change over at 730am

7am and another internal, baby is still stuck in the same position a consultant is brought in to examine me and double check baby's position. She says  to monitor after a fewmore contractions as that could do the trick.

730am and shift change over the new midwife (Rachel, the only name I remember) is really young and is equally as nutty and nice.
745am another consultant has their hand up my foo feeling baby's position (why they ask if you mind before they do it baffles me, you can't really say no they need to know what they are dealing with)
It's decided that no progress has been made at all and contractions are slowing down yet again despite the hormone drip and yet more extra fluids being pumped in.
I lost count of the amount of different medical professionals that came in and out of my room and maybe violated my depleting dignity a little more and got me to sign paperwork and explain what was happening.

I was being taken to theatre for an assisted delivery, either by forceps if they could failing that it would be a c-section. So I had to agree to both an episiomy and a c-section and also epidural.
Things got a little hectic now, with people rushing in and out sorting thing ready for theatre. I'd put the worst type of nail varnish on, it had a glitter top coat and was a total Twit to get off, it took ages.

I was then wheeled round to theatre and Jon was left alone to wait for them to prep me. I was given gas and air whilst the epidural was being set up ready to administer. I was given a pillow to hug and then in it went.
It was such a nice feeling, going all warm and tingly then not feeling anything after hours of pain. Jon was brought in and sat by my head looking terrified, he kept telling me everything was ok. Then it was time to push, I had to be told when a contraction was starting and then push. Not easy when you can't feel a thing. Jon had to lift my head to make me feel like I was doing anything.
On the first contraction they moved baby out from where she was stuck, on the second she was pulled a little closer to the exit and on the third she was born

It took around 20 seconds for her to start screaming and it was the best sound ever. They couldn't delay clamping the cord because of being in theatre and to Jon's disgust when they cut the cord they left it long so he could cut it again, something he didn't want to do but felt obliged as it had been left for him.
Daddy got to have the first cuddles as despite being given the injection to help the placenta out my womb was unwilling to give it up for ages and I also had to be sewn back together. It was about an hour before we met.

total labour time was 10hrs and 33 mins (would have been much quicker if Phoebe didn't get stuck)

Phoebe was born at 948am Saturday October 18th
weighed in at 7lbs10ozs

and she's perfect in every way, even if I do say so myself
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
So back to the present day


I'm probably the worst mum ever... Do you ever get the feeling that your child doesn't want you around? I get it all the time recently.

If it's just the 2 of us she is usually ok. Except for if she's throwing a tantrum, then it doesn't seem to matter what I sat or do it makes no difference to her. She'll scream until I break down (which happens when I can't calm her and it seems like it's never going to end or she looks like she is hurting herself/getting too worked up) I feel pathetic and useless.

If anyone else is around it's like I don't exist, I'm not allowed to do anything with her or for her. If I try she kicks off

Some days I feel like I'm really not cut out for this and maybe she picks up on it and thats why she doesn't want me around her when there is someone who isn't weak, pathetic and useless about
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
So after the woe is me post the other day things have been much better. Nothing like a whinge to put everything back into perspective.

I obviously know that little P doesn't hate me, (she just doesn't show her love for me too often at the minute) she's just trying to find her place in life. She just happens to be very strong willed and wants everything her way.

This has to be the most frustrating time, likely for both of us. I have day to day things to do. P also has things to do only she gets easily distracted and her things are usually the undoing of mine. A great example would be hanging washing to dry all the while she is un hanging it and putting (or at least trying to) away still wet. Everything takes around 3 times as long as it should  ;D

I'm actually quite grateful that I have a very chatty toddler, I'm hoping this means she'll get over the tantrum phase quite quickly as she'll figure out what she wants to say about how she's feeling sooner than a non verbal tot would. I can live in ignorance is bliss for a while at least... I read terrible 2's can last til age 4 PLEASE DON'T LET THAT TRUE!



 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
After giving birth I decided afterall that I'd give breast feeding a proper try. I stayed in hospital 2 days to find my feet a little, it was nice too in a way to have that those few hours with just me and P.  I didn't feel like I'd bonded at all while I pregnant, part of me was too scared incase it went wrong and the other part of me was terrified what Mr Wobbles reaction would be to the baby that in biological terms didn't belong to him. I must have spent days mentally exhausting myself over possible outcomes!

On the Saturday P.... Or actually I'll call her little Wobble (her name is in the birth story that I copied and pasted along with her Daddie's, just seems a bit formal  ^idiot^

So as I was saying the Saturday little Wobble was born was probably the longest day of my life. It technically started very early on the Friday I went in to be induced, as there was no sleep for pretty much any of it. Certainly not the Fri night or anytime until way past midday the Saturday.

Little Wobble was born at 948 am and because of the theatre delivery I was kept in resus for just over an hour. Then it was a further 6 hours on the recovery ward as I'd had an epidural and was numb. Now you'd think this would be the time to catch up....

Not when your cousin jumped the que and had her baby the day before (6 weeks premature) and her, the waste of space boyfriend, her sisters and your auntie and uncle all turn up at your bedside before you're out of the hospital issue gown. It was around 3/4 that I was moved to my own room and it wasn't long after Mr Wobble returned for the evening. That first day was bizarre I actually had my own baby and yet it felt like a dream or I was temporarily on another plain.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
I've been back at work a whole year now. How sad I remember the anniversary of it  :eek:

Pre mat leave I had a full time job with variety and things to do that kept my brain active... Now I feel like most of it has died, pretty sure if I carry on doing the same thing for too much longer I'll be as useless as a wet fart in the rain.

I only do 2 days in work but believe me 15 hours doing a job that bores the **** out of you is about 15 too many (it's actually just the 1 shift that totally bores me, the other I get to bake so its a little more taxing). Needs must though.... Don't I wish I'd been more careful with the finances in the past so I could have stayed off longer... But would I really have wanted too ??? My opinion on that can change hourly depending on the mood of little Wobble.

Work would be more bearable if it wasn't for the 1 shift finishing after little Wobble's bedtime and the next starting with me leaving before she is up. Had a manager say to me well at least you have all week with her... Maybe true, but its the best part of 2 days I'm not seeing her and it kills me inside!

I did to glance at her from a distance this morning, she waved and blew me kisses from her bedroom window, which she can just see out of. Her bedroom door is always kept closed as we have the cats and don't want them sleeping in her cot and I wouldn't want to risk waking her by opening the door. It took probably 16 months to get us in to the position of her sleeping through the night in her own cot. We don't want to take backward leaps  ;D

Mr Wobble is also a proper moody geht if he has to get up too early on his days off. Its actually just the 1 day he has to get up early but he makes such a big deal of it, that and he works all week and gets no time to himself. Or so he says! Not like I'm going to baby groups by myself and leaving little Wobble with him! I take little Wobble to stay at Nana's all the time so he gets to have his ME time. I pretty much take her everywhere with me (except work... That's my ME time  ^idiot^ ) If he's on lates, or a day off when I'm nit working I leave him in bed, sometimes he doesn't get up until almost midday!  He gets plenty of child free time, he even has the option to visit friends or his family but instead chooses to waste his free time on the PlayStation.

Am I coming across as bitter? I do feel it sometimes, especially when he starts with his I don't get much time for me tales of woe. Found myself thinking 'here we go again' . In an ideal world I'd have a job working when he was so I wouldn't have to listen to it anymore. But I can't as childcare costs way more than we could afford at the moment. One day though..
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Day 2 of being a Mummy I was still in hospital not because there was anything wrong, I chose to stay mainly to build a little confidence with a newborn. I'd never really held one for more than 5 minutes let alone change a nappy and well you just wouldn't attempt to breastfeed a baby that you hadn't given birth too  ;D

So it's Sunday morning I've had next to no sleep I had a baby that didn't want to settle until one of the helpers (bf support I think she was rather than a midwife) swaddled her. That was the only time she was ever swaddled, little Wobble was an arms up sleeper.
Mr Wobble turned up pretty early, I thought I looked rough... But jeeze he looked like he'd been awake days even on a full night sleep.
My first visitors were my mum and sister they'd travelled by train to visit and being a Sunday with the not so early starts it was almost midday when they arrived. They hadn't been in long when my Auntie and Uncle turned up just to say hi on their way to visit their newest Grandson who was in nicu. Then the whole of my inlaws just piled in one after the other... Talk about feeling overwhelmed and to make matters worse I'd been having a little skin to skin (I was wearing jarmies, little Wobble was snuggled in the oversized top. They assumed I was breastfeeding so were instantly awkward and made excuses to get out quickly. Which only added to my feelings of anxiety or feeding in public (I had only decided when she was born to actually give breast feeding a go... I naively thought I'd just express, ore on that later!) so I was feeling tense and nervous and overwhelmed and all sorts of other things and there were all these people that were talking non stop, over each other, excitedly passing my baby round. While I had to open cards and presents and look grateful for crap that I wouldn't look at twice, let alone buy. Guess the thought was there but really... If you don't know what to get, don't get anything! Some of the outfits... It's cruel that I had to dress her in them once just to take the Photo to say 'look I'm wearing it thanks'.  There were 11 of us and a baby in that tiny room at 1 point. There was a max number of 2 visitors per patient too so how they all got let in at once baffles me!

I'd had a mini meltdown in the night and said something horrible to my tiny Wobble, which I feel bad about still now. But I've accepted it was the rush of hormones and the lack of sleep that did it. I wanted my dad so badly after little Wobble was born and I felt guilty for not starting a family while he was alive. Kind of like I'd cheated him out of his right, he had grandkids from my sister but then there was us that had been married a decade and done nothing about it.

My Granny used to ask every time I saw her when the little Wobbles would be along.... Even she had passed on by the time we were ready for 'Little Fred'  I did once tell her we couldn't have babies the natural way and would need Ivf, she'd already started her decline into dementia so I'm not sure if she understood. She never really asked again after that. Think she would have been besotted with little Wobble had she been around to meet her
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
I technically have a 2 year old by Ivf dating 2 years ago today was her due date. She celebrated her non birthday by refusing to do anything Mr Wobble wanted her to do HA it's not just me then!!!

It's been a pretty mixed week I've spent a lot of it wondering how much of a future me and Mr Wobble have. Not that I don't love him anymore... I do at least feeling this hurt makes me think I do.

He just never seems happy with whatever I do. When I'm around him he's miserable, doesn't say much, has a face on him. He doesn't strike up conversations. If I didn't say anything to him I'm sure we'd never speak. I thought I was imagining it to begin with but his whole attitude changes if someone visits. He can be laughing and joking around with little Wobble while I'm out of the room but as soon as I return.

He says he's fed up a lot of time if I can actually get him to say why he has a gob on. Then he'll say how he gets no time to himself, he works all week has Little Wobble all weekend. Like he is hard done by! 

Yesterday I couldn't wait to go to work I felt so uncomfortable around him, I was dreading coming home for fear of what mood he'd be in. He lied about what time off he has while I'm away next week, which kind of hurt. I get that he works hard and wants a bit of space and I don't mind going to my mum's. But why lie? Am I such a bad wife, one that puts too much on you. As well as gets on your nerves, doesn't de-weed the front and back yard or clean windows.

Little Wobble idolises him, as soon as he walks in the door she is all over him like a rash and it doesn't matter what I say or try to do with her I'm in the way. He got annoyed that he couldn't have a  ^swear^ in peace.... Welcome to my world.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
So back to the beginning and its Monday 20th and I feel like its time we went home to be a family. I couldn't leave without getting the bounty photos done. Yes I know they arw over priced, but I really didn't care I knew that I wouldn't be able to get anywhere in the first weeks to get those photo's taken.

Mr Wobble turned up while the photographer was in action so we have a really nice one of them. Me on the other hand... I looked worse than a bag of ****e so declined the offer of we can do something that makes you look ok. Erm yeah that can't even be done on days where I haven't been awake for hours and had a baby less than 48 hours ago  ;D

It was mid afternoon when we were ready to be discharged, we managed to get little Wobble in her car seat just fine, well with a little move this way a bit and gently push that way and wiggle this. Being totally paranoid we asked a midwife to check she was in it safely before walking out of the door. Turns out we hadn't tightened to harness enough. That though was the least of our worries!!!

So we got to the car, opened up and started the crypton factor how the **** does this go. What does that bit do,bear in mind too I'd had an episiomy so was walking like John Wayne and was as flexible as concrete!  yes we learned a lesson then or maybe I should say we should have done. Test out all baby equipment before you actually try to use it in real life!

So a great start the seat wouldn't securely fit in the backseat. Ashamed to say we drove on home with me basically holding the seat in place as the belts wouldn't quite fasten. We picked the worst time too roads were closed because of some kind of police operation and cops everywhere. It was nerve wracking to say the least. But I was so happy I never thought I'd get to leave a hospital with my own baby. Its surreal that you've got your own flesh and blood to care for feeling. Its suddenly real you are going home
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Back home from a week away and Mr Wobble doesn't seem that much happier than before I went.

To say things are strained is probably accurate. He loves me but blames me for the way he feels. That he gets no free time, that Little Wobble is difficult at the minute. Apparently we will have a nightmare child if we don't do something about her soon.

I've never had a 2 year old before so I have no idea what is normal behaviour and what isn't. Or what I should do about it either if I'm honest. What are you supposed to do with a tiddler that refuses to get dressed, refuses to sit still and eat a meal, that doesn't want a dirty nappy changed?

Personal experience so far tells me that forcing the issue ends in a tantrum, getting angry ends in tears and trying to reason well she isn't even 2 and doesn't really understand reasoning.

Apparently she should do what we want her to as we are the adults. True we are the adults, but she has a mind of her own.

He doesn't want to go out with her for fear of how she will behave... Paints a pretty picture doesn't he.

He's overwhelmed, tired and is wishing his life away. I'm not supposed to be hurt by his words.... But how can I not be?

Ask him what I can do to make things easier/better for him and he says nothing. Just goes on about how he works early and by the time he gets home he's tired. He has no  me time. His weekends off are spent with Little Wobble. There is no time for us.

It's like Groundhog day.

I really don't feel like I can do anything right, I'm exhausted trying to figure out how to fix it.

I feel like all I do is cry.

I pretty much hate myself at the minute. Zero self confidence or self worth. I look like a fat pile of ****e and have no motivation to do anything about it.

 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
The first week of having little Wobble home passed by in a blur.

There were lots of visits from friends and family with cards and gifts. Then there was the midwife visit to weigh and check general well being of mummy and baby. In a way it felt a bit like we were on a stage and everyone is watching, maybe a bit of a pantomime.

Breast feeding was going well or so I thought at that point. I'd had a blocked milk duct but after the initial panic of having no milk, it being late at night (so calling someone for advice not an option) and opening the breast pump box and all the bits not connected and instructions as clear as mud. Another you really should try these things before you may need them... As in when your newborn is screaming and you feel useless and panicked and can't see through the tears.

At this point we had no sterilised bottles, hadn't even looked at the steriliser or read how to make a bottle of formula.

Mr Wobble was downstairs doing the steriliser and bottle thing, while I was upstairs trying my best to comfort a screaming baby. He Googled no milk coming out and fixed the issue before the bottle was ready.

Turned out all I needed was a hot flannel and a boob massage to get it flowing again. It wasa bit painful for a day or so.

I was still a little nervous of my newborn, unsure how to handle her so you do everything awkwardly and extra carefully.

For some unknown reason the first night I took little Wobble downstairs to change nappy and feed and almost tripped and fell with her (I think it was something to do with not wanting to turn the lights on and disturb Mr Wobble) so that little scaring myself ended with dh being relegated to the spare room for a while until I figured out doing things easier.

Little Wobble was sleeping over the recommended hours that the professionals set at night (not too many over it). After speaking to a couple of people and them saying how amazing it was and you should never wake a sleeping baby it turned out that it was just that false sense of security that most newborns give their parents... Just while they are getting over the trauma of being born  ;D
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
I now officially have a 2 year old. We've had a blast celebrating her birthday, even though its been a quiet one.

Over the last week or so Little Wobble has come on loads, she's more cuddly and seems to have an idea of how feelings work... Well a little at least.

She's going through the everything is mine selfish phase, I have been able to get her to share by talking to her about how nice it to let others play with the toys she's not really interested in. Explaining she makes the others sad when she takes away what they have. It doesn't always end well and without tears... I don't want to be that parent that just lets their child have whatever they want at the expense of others.

Little Wobble has good speech/communication for her age and is tall at about 3ft so people presume that she is older than she is and sometimes look shocked that she acts like the baby she still is. She may be a chatter box, but at the minute she isn't fully able to express what she feels or know what she feels. It's one of the things I hate most.... Presumtious people! In every aspect of life not just this one.

 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Week number 2 of having little Wobble home and the false sense of security I was lulled into having with a good sleeper is beginning to emerge. There are no longer the too long for a newborn spells of sleep at night or in the day come to think of it. Sleep as I used to know it now no longer existed and it was too long before I got anything that resembled a full night.... Even the experts opinion of what sleeping through the night was, took ages to establish.... But more on that another time.

At little Wobbles 5 day check at home she'd gone from 7lb10 to 7lb at the next check  she'd put on an ounce! I must have had a midwife having a bad day as she wasn't concerned that birthweight wasn't achieved after 2 weeks and basically discharged us from her care, saying my baby appeared healthy, had gained weight and was doing all the things that newborns do... Eat, sleep, puke, **** and scream.

It was only when the Hv popped round on the same day and saw the poor weight gain  (I didn't actually know until then either that she should be at her birth weight) that things with feeding/weight became a bain of our lives.

I thought I had a good eater, never had any problems latching her on. I thought she was feeding for about the right amount of time. It was only when the questions started getting asked that I paid more attention.

So little Wobble would latch on and begin to feed normally after a few minutes (maybe just more than a few) she'd be flat out asleep and sometimes be using my nipple as a dummy for comfort. She started to wake for feeding more often as she wasn't getting enough of what she needed at one sitting.

We had a couple of weeks of weigh ins every few days with little gain. Home visits from breast feeding support groups/health visitors who specialised in all things breast feeding, who were always pretty impressed with my technique all offering the same advice and giving the same tips.

I was leant a double breast pump to express between feeding as they at first thought I maybe wasn't producing enough and needed to boost it.  Expressing has got to be the most disheartening and stressful thing I've ever tried to do. I could spend half an hour expressing and not even get an ounce between the 2 of them. So much time and effort for very little back. Life during this time seemed wasted and very constricted. I had a baby that was practically stuck to me by now, putting her down in a pram or moses basket usually ended in her screaming and I couldn't let her do it. It just didn't sit right with me.

I can't believe that in my nieve pre baby mind I actually thought that instead of breastfeeding I'd just express and give that. It's such a task, I have a big respect for women that can actually do it. Breastfeeding itself isn't easy to master, to do that and express successfully that takes some doing.

We were referred to the milk clinic, there was talk of giving us donated breast milk for a few days. We started giving much frowned upon formula top ups once someone spotted that little Wobble had a posterior tongue tie that was probably causing the feeding and falling asleep before she was full issues. With a fixable problem diagnosed I didn't want to take milk away from preemies/special care that would have had more need for it than us. It was when we started giving top ups that the weight started to creep back slowly.

Luckily referral to the tongue tie clinic wasn't that long for us (although it felt it at the time, when we were in the vicious circle of feed sleep express) after a couple weeks getting nowhere but stressed with expressing and getting nothing I gradually came round to the idea of giving as much formula as she needed.

The posterior tongue tie was bad according to the specialist who cut it (little Wobble was around 7 1/2 weeks and still hadn't passed her birthweight by then) she was also able to properly explain the issues it had caused and the reasons why. It felt so good to have someone finally say, it's nothing you have done that has caused the feeding issues and well done for sticking with it and not being fobbed off.

The difference in feeding after the tongue tie snip was noticeable straight away. Even Mr Wobble noticed a significant difference when giving a bottle.
Weight gain was rapid for a few weeks after, it was like she was making up for what she had missed out on.
It took a while to break the pattern she'd been used to of feeding for a short time and often. But we got there  :)

So my plan in the beginning before little Wobble was born was to express and give that. When she was born I thought, no I'll give it a go at least until we go home. Then I thought well I'll give her 6 weeks, then because of the tongue tie I decided 3 months old then I'll stop. But by then I think I was enjoying the ease of boobie fixes everything and it's available 24/7 (we were still giving formula occasionally, sometimes more occasionally than others) so decided to go on to 6 months. At 6 months I tried to cut down with starting weaning only little Wobble was having none of it. She was around 9 months when we stopped, myself and Mr Wobble were going away and leaving her at Nana's for a few days so a perfect opportunity to stop. After having none for a few days she still tried to get boobie when I saw her next and there were a few more days she tried before giving up.

I think when we stopped was right for us. She was becoming too aware of me if that makes sense. She'd give me a cheeky look before clamping down on my nipple. Even with no teeth then it wasn't pleasant. Her first tooth came through less than 2 weeks after stopping.

It was starting to gross me out a bit, I also felt like my body didn't belong to me it was time I got it back.



 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Yestersday we had our clinic babies meet up, a 2nd birthday as we called it, even though some of our group are much older and younger.

The first lot of our group met through a clinic thread on this site and as often happens we set up a private group away from this site once we started to get bfp's.

To begin with there were around 20 of us, but once we started doing meetings and involving the clinic and staff/posting in their online sites we grew and grew. There are well over 100 of us now. Makes it an interesting challenge organising a meet up  ;D

Anyway back to yesterday, the party was at a playcentre, around 30 of went, it was a little manic trying to talk to everyone. Toddlers don't stay still long enough for that. I lost count of the times I took my eyes of Little Wobble for a second and she was off. Luckily all our group had white t shirts on so they were easy to spot if they escaped  ;D I should point out here that there was no way they could get out of the playcentre. Just lost in one of the many soft play area's.

I'm pretty lucky with Little Wobble as she isn't too adventurous at soft play and at the minute won't climb so when she darted off she'd always head for the ball pit.

Getting to the playcentre wasn't fun, I nearly cried when the trains posted to say rail replacement buses every weekend for the foreseeable. We arrived on time sporting a brand new perfume eau de puke.... Lovely so buses can be added to the  list of things not to do. I walked home it was over 4 miles but preferable to being vommed on after party junk! Guess its safe to say my fear of puke is waning. Trying to catch upchucked toast and milk with a baby wipe... Not easy. Just glad it was early and not too many passengers looking on in disgust.

Little Wobble wouldn't wear the travel bands, so no idea if they work or not.

We tried to get a group photo of all the little ones, that was a big fat failure 😆 Trying to get a decent photo of 1 toddler is hard enough.... Mission impossible with over 20!

It was a good little catch up, guess it will get easier to take group photos as they get older and more willing to stay still

It's sort of nice to meet up with real people that have done the whole treatment thing as normal fertiles really don't get it.

Nice to know you're not alone in your feelings

 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Definitely over the fear I had of puke, kind of had no choice than to get on with it.

After the Sunday's little adventure on the bus ending with a vomit fest I thought thats ok I'll just not go on them and we'll be puke free until we next have to go in the car. That didn't quite go to plan!

On the Monday we experienced our first bug. Little Wobble went to bed as normal at 7pm but woke 2 hours later, how can a little person have so much puke in them... She was covered, the bed was covered. We had to strip her off and throw her in the bath she was that gross.

Tbc
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Grossness continued....

So after the bath little Wobble was a bit shivery and looking sorry for herself. Around now she started to bring up bile and for a while was subdued.... Weird thing was her temp was normal. After getting her dressed and warm she perked up even though she was sleepy.

I can honestly say I don't think I've ever been more scared in my life as I was for that 2hrs or thereabouts. She fell asleep on me around 11pm and from then until 130 I was too paranoid to move her.  I tried my best to sleep upright but that wasn't happening. When I eventually managed to move to a more comfier sleeping position it felt like minutes and she woke me asking for milkies.

So as not to wake Mr Wobble we went downstairs I gave her very watered down milk that maybe stayed down about 40 minutes. We then got cushions and made ourselves as comfy as possible on the backroom floor. I woke up freezing about 4 all the covers over the little sick note, she was toastie!

Mr Wobble was up 430 for work, he did bring us the big duvet but little Wobble was full of beans and wanted to follow daddy round and get ready for work. After he'd gone we got back into a real bed as apposed to the floor one and slept until after 10 which was nice and I don't think has ever happened!

Little Wobble seemed herself by now and I thought maybe she was over it.... She wasn't. A few more puke fests followed that day and we all got into bed for 6pm and watched Paddington.

By now me and Mr Wobble thought we'd escaped catching whatever it was she had.... UNLUCKY the next morning Mr Wobble was puking his guts up before leaving for work but he thought as he was fine straight after it must have been the tub of icecream we ate before falling asleep stupidly early.

I felt ok getting up, until I got downstairs and got all hot and sweaty and lightheaded. A crawl upstairs for me to the bathroom and a test out of the upchuck muscles... They don't get used that often thankfully. I hate sick, not just being it myself but others doing it too. Safe to say I'm more tollerant now. All I had to give up was bile, how gross does bile taste....

Mr Wobble was home by 9am (after spreading disease round work, he decided he was best off at home... Male logic.... Do they have any?) we were all in bed til after 2 when I decided it would be too much of a nightmare with Little Wobble at bedtime if we stayed any later ( 10pm that night she finally gave in and went to sleep... In our bed again)

I've been under weather looking after little Wobble before, but never pukey under weather. Have to say it was interesting trying to get through the day, when you are so tired from not eating as you don't feel like it and don't feel brave enough to drink coffee.

Mr Wobble was more than useless, he spent a whole 2 days in bed and the 3rd day spent moaning how tired he felt. I don't know if it was a compliment but he said I don't know how you did it.... What else was I going to do leave a 2 year old to entertain herself? ??? He then went on to say that next time he'd sleep in the spare room so he has less chance of catching it as he really has felt awful and if both of us had got it like he did! Oh and maybe this way there would maybe be a break in us both catching it if we were going to so at least one of us would be good for little Wobble.... Ok then, like he would take total control and leave me in bed for days.... He hasn't let me lie in once since little Wobble came home!

I would love to know how little people can be puke monsters one minute but the next full of beans demanding chocolate and crisps (then rinse and repeat) if I'm puke sick it's a case of don't eat, then you can't puke (in theory) and this can go on for a while, while I build up courage. And to have that much energy too? Are they superhuman until a certain age?  ;D
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
THE SLEEP OR LACK OF IT

So as I previously said the first week of Little Wobble being home she was sleeping like.... Well a baby. She'd go for the longer than recommended spells for a newborn, I was scared to wake her but also scared to leave her go too long. It was so nice to wake and watch her stir for a feed. Those little squirmy movements and squeaky noises. That me waking and waiting for her to wake has only ever happened a few times since those very early days.

It was probably in her 2nd week at home that sleep went up the wall. It became very rare to have more than a 3 hour stretch of uninterrupted sleep. Part of that most likely down to the feeding issues and not being satisfied enough for sleep. Another part the development leaps or wonder weeks they go through and then there was the part where she just didn't/wouldn't/couldn't settle anywhere but on me.

I was thinking about it earlier, I probably held her for most of the first 6 months of her life. It certainly felt like we were attached sometimes  ;D

I remember reading somewhere that most experts agree that for a baby to be sleeping through the night they only need to be sleeping 5 hour spells  ^idiot^  ^idiot^  I do not agree with experts. 5 hours ??? Who can function on 5 hours sleep. Or to break it down you put your baby to bed at 7, you have your 3 hours chill time and go to bed 10ish. Baby wakes at midnight.... You've had a whole 2 hours, you spend the next hour feeding, winding, changing and trying to put down said baby without them noticing. It then takes an age for you to drift off once again only baby doesn't know this and rinse and repeat only this time you've maybe had 3 hours. If I got 5 hours I was lucky, it happened once in a blue moon.

Sleep Regression.... 4 months.... Did they mean it starts at 4 months or lasts for months... Seriously it went on forever in our house. We'd only just got over the 4 month when the next one started!!! It was more like 3 1/2 months the regression started for us (taking into account Little Wobble was almost 2 weeks overdue I'm guessing thats pretty normal) at the lowest point during this time I'd get literally an hour between wake ups. It was such a tiring time, Mr Wobble did his usual and slept right through every wake up. He saw it as he had no boobs so no point him doing night wake ups.

I think during this time I tried literally everything I could to get more sleep.
Ewan the sheep
Other night light that plays music
Increasing formula top up
Stuck to bedtime routine
Baby sleep pillow
Baby massage
Controlled crying.... I wimped out of after leaving her for less that 2 minutes crying, it just felt so cruel and wrong to me.
And more, sometimes I was fooled into thinking something I'd tried had worked or made for an improvement but the truth or what I believe now is she was probably just that exhausted that she had no choice but to sleep. After about a month of really bad sleep and getting to a point where I couldn't take the lack of sleep any longer I did the frowned upon co sleeping. Little Wobble would still wake quite often but being next to me and the magic boobie fixes all, meant we were both relaxed and would sleep more.

Little Wobble would start her bedtime in her own space and 9 times out of 10 end it in my space.

Tbc

 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
It's been a while since I updated, sort of busy being the Christmas Grinch. I'm really feeling all Bah Humbug this year not in the least Christmassy and Little Wobble is the same  ;D

She doesn't want to see Father Christmas... So we haven't been, the ques are horrendous and a 2 year old in a line for what would be an age to them followed by a definite no and maybe a meltdown.... Really not putting myself through that.

She has been interested in the post coming through the door and wants to open the 'books' and has attempted opening 1 of the presents under the tree and re arranged decorations on it. I thought she'd be more into it and I guess I'm a little disappointed that she isn't.

In other news little Wobble is very funny at the minute and is getting cheekier by the day. She's suddenly started to give me much more cuddles, Eskimo kisses and kisses. I was beginning to think she didn't love me  ;D although she only loves me to the moon and stars and not back again, sometimes she loves me 10 thousand pounds
 
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