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Hi All

My husband's family are aware that we have been having tests and are now on the waiting list for IVF.

Husband's parents have even offered to pay for 2 IVF cycles (very generous of them & we are very lucky, I know).

We have decided to turn down their kind offer & save up ourselves for our 1st attempt. 

My problem is that OUR problem has become THEIR problem in what I think is a very private matter.  I would love nothing more than announcing at 3 months pregnant that we had done the treatment and it worked! I would also tell them afterwards if we had done the treatment & it had not worked - I cannot stand the thought of them knowing the where's & when's of our IVF treatment.

It has now got to the stage where I am avoiding meeting with them for fear of their questions.  How can I deal with this without offending them?

Thanks

KCx
 

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Hi Karen,

I don't have an answer sorry but I can totally relate to what you are saying.

During our last cycle, just before test day, I had a conversation with my Mam one day and I said in passing that it was hard during treatment because everyone was waiting for our news and we didn't have the privilige to keep it to ourselves for 12 weeks, like others trying to conceive, and annouce it when we chose and I said I found that bit difficult.  She seemed to understand what I was saying but since hasn't asked a thing about tx and now I feel she's taken umbridge  :( which wasn't my intention.

I have no idea what to do for the best but maybe being up front will get them to back off a little.

I hope it all works out for you ... good luck
 

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Hi Karen,
I can't really give you answers but wanted you to know that I know how you feel and was in the same situation as you and ANDI (hello andi -not following you around honestly!)
We told both sets of parents about our 1st IUI (and we all assumed that it would work  :-\ :-\) and then on test day they phoned to find out 'the news'. It was awful - it was difficult enough dealing with our own massive disappoinmtent but sensing theirs too was difficult and I felt like I'd let everyone down.

The 2nd tx we didn't tell anyone about and our test day was a week before Christmas. It was another BFN but I didn't want to tell anyone so kept it all in over Christmas - which was just as bad.
We told our parents in the new year about failed tx -and similar to Andi -my mother now doesn't speak about it at all to us. (also hard to deal with)
I just try to remember how difficult it is for them too.

We have now told our parents that we're having IVF sometime soon but we will not be specific with dates so that we can say as much or little as we want. The in-laws are pushing to know exact dates and don't undertstand why we can't go away with them or book a holiday. MIL thinks IVf happens just for 1 day! 
My parents will also pay for tx for us but I don't want to go down that route just yet and would rather pay ourselves.
So Karen, sorry I have been no help at all to you but letting off steam like this has certainly made me feel better,  ^hugme^ ^hugme^
all the best, spooks
 

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Hi Karen

I also can't really give you advice but I can understand what you're going through.

We're going through our 2nd IVF and will be due for EC in about a weeks time.  We've told quite a lot of family and I've also told some people at work because of all my time off.  I'm now really regretting telling so many because I know they're going to ask how it went and I wouldn't want to tell anyone before the 12 weeks was over.

My mum knows all the details about what stage we're at because DH was away for a few days so came over to support me while doing my injections.  Although I get on really well with her, if I got a BFP I'm not sure if I would tell her the truth (which I wouldn't really want to do) or lie (which I also wouldn't want to do)

I'm all in a muddle  ^idiot^ ^idiot^ ^idiot^ - sorry wasn't much help to your question.
Susan
xx
 

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Hi

DH & I are having our first ever ICSI cycle at the moment - we've not had any other, just been ttc naturally until we discovered DH's swimmers were pants!

My mum & a few friends knew we were ttc so have now gone on to know about treatment. I've made it at point to tell everyone who knows not to ask anything but explained that it's because I may be trying to deal with issues / coming to terms with things myself and actually not able to discuss them with other people yet. Everyone's been great & respected my wishes - so far anyway! I get the occasional 'thinking of you' text, which is nice, & I tell people things as & when I feel like it. I haven't made my mind up what I'll do if I end up with a BFP though - that's a difficult one! Irrelevant at the moment too, as I'm not responding to stimms as yet!!

Anyway, all the best, whatever you decide  ^reiki^ ^reiki^ ^hugme^

Sudders.
 

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Hi Karen,

I'm due to start my 1st IVF/PGD mid-May but it's been in the making for 2yrs now (PGD testing took forever!). I decided from day 1 that I wanted it to be a private thing between myself and DH. We sat down both our parents and very gently told them how we felt, how we wouldn't have told them we were trying to conceive if were able to do so naturally and as tx is intrusive anyway we wanted to at least be able to hold onto a bit of surprise element when telling our family/friends if it should work. They took it very well and said they understood and the rest is history. I can now tell them as little or as much as I want as I go along as I did say to them I might need to talk to you once I start if it gets too tough and they were all fine with that too.

You can only do what you feel is best for you, but remember their feelings in all of this and explain why you want to do it your way and how it will help you.

All the best
Rach xxx

 

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Hi Karen
I know exactly what you mean.
One of my friends who knew we were having investigations, took umbrage when I told her that she probably wouldn't know when we were having treatment.  She wanted to support me, but didn't understand that support was also a kind of pressure.  Although she could have supported me in other ways without knowing whether or not we were having treatment, just by being a friend.
My mum, although she knows, is also trying not to ask questions becuase she's aware of the pressure we're under.  That may be the case for all those other mums who aren't talking.  They may be waiting for you to talk when you are able.
I was upset about my friend and then I thought:  Actually this is MY tx, MY emotions, MY body, and mine and DH's private moment.  Would she like it if I rang her everytime we  ^BMS^when we were TTC naturally? TMI I think!
You don't need the extra pressure of worrying about other people.  Focus on yourself, DH and your future babies!
Loads of love and luck to you!
^fairydust^
KPx
 

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Hello, I know exactly how you are feeling !! Both sides of our family including 3 know about our tx, it's weird I don't mind my mum and dad asking questions as they don't ask stupid ones and they aren't pestering me, my mum completely understands that it is a HUGE waiting game and doesn't want ppl pressurising me with stories of someone who knows someone who's next door neighbours aunties budgie had IVF and it worked ( not quite but you know what I mean). Then DP's family................... ANY NEWS YET?!! Are you pg yet when will you know? this is taking forever isn't it? I wonder why you can't get pg ? this was going on and on and on until finally I stopped going to see them and I had to get DP to speak to them. I feel you should be able to say anything to your own family without them getting offended but that all depends on the way you say something and I know DP had to sit his family down after or cycle was abandoned and say this is how it works and we will be getting tx again soon but we want to keep it just between ourselves so that no one is worrying unnecessarily apart from us and he said we felt we did the wrong thing telling our families straight away as it caused a bit of pressure that we really didn't need at the time but as soon we get success our families will be the first to know and it did work they backed right off only asking how I was and if I wanted to tell them anything I could. 

It is lovely that they have offered to pay for tx and if you are refusing because you don't want them nosing in at every step then you maybe need to make it clear that it is a very personal situation for both you and DH that you could only accept if you were able to keep it a personal time between you and DH. 

I hope it works out for you

sarah xx
 
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