[Fox Gloves]

My DE baby turned 2 fairly recently and it got me thinking that my life has changed so very much since then that I should come back to the forum and post about my experience for those who might be in the same boat that I was in a few years ago and maybe struggling with the idea of using donor eggs.

A quick bit of history... I have always wanted a family and I conceived my first baby quickly and easily in my early 30s. When baby 1 was around 12 months old we conceived again first time trying but sadly this time it ended in mmc at 12 weeks. Then commenced our infertility journey, most of you guys will know the drill, ttc month after month, cycle after cycle, bfn and af after bfn and af all whilst being told to 'relax and it will happen'.

Eventually tests showed that I had a low ovarian reserve and we started IVF straight away. First cycle resulted in 6 eggs but only 2 made it to day 1 and only 1 was left on day 2 and was transferred but resulted in bfn. Our clinic maintained that the protocol was the best available and offered to do exactly the same again so we changed clinic and tried another protocol where my ovaries didn't really respond so we converted to IUI and got a bfn.

At this point we had enough savings for 1 more shot at ivf. If we tried with my eggs and had another bfn (which seemed highly likely at this stage) we would have to save up for another go at ivf in a year or 2s time, making the age gap with baby 1 even bigger and putting us through at least 1-2 years more heart ache, longing and a feeling that we weren't really living or enjoying life but more waiting in limbo for what we so desperately wanted. If we went with donor eggs we had a much higher chance of success and we could complete our family and move on. It was a pretty simple decision for me, I found the infertility rollercoaster really, really tough and I just wanted to get off and enjoy life, its just too short to feel so desperate and unhappy. I'd already had a baby and I was desperate to do it all again and for a sibling for my child. So we went for it. We went abroad, used an egg donor and I got pregnant on that first cycle. It was a difficult pregnancy and of course I had so much anxiety about what our baby would be like, who he/she would resemble and how I would feel in comparison to my OE baby but our baby was born just over 2 years ago and I havent looked back.

I got off that rollercoaster the minute baby 2 was born, just as I had wanted. We have had 2 blissful years of happiness, as a family and have moved on exactly as we had wanted to and I only really look back occasionally at anniversaries and things. I honestly wouldn't change a thing about my journey at this stage because baby 2 is such a wonderful little person who has bought us so very much joy and love. I needn't have worried at all at about who the baby/child might look like because I get told baby 2 looks like me as much if not more than I am told baby 1 (oe) looks like me. I actually don't think either really look that much like me but there are similarities to me in both of them, people see what they want to see. The family likeness is certainly close enough that if I had had ivf with 2 eggs, 1 donor and 1 mine that I honestly wouldn't know which one had resulted in the pregnancy.

Personally, I absolutely do not feel any differently at all about my DE baby than I did/do my OE child, I love them both with the same intense, overwhelming love and knowing what I know now I wouldn't hesitate to make the same decisions over again. They are both my children, I love them equally and I very rarely even think now about how they were conceived because life is way too busy and we are having fun, making memories and living family life. I also rarely think about the donor, whilst what she did was absolutely amazing and her willingness to do this for me has significantly changed my life and I will be indebted to her forever, she was very young and I believe that she thinks of this as I do, that she donated a tiny cell, the size of a small stop which was just 1 ingredient in the recipe that makes a baby and myself and my husband provided the other ingredients and the oven.

Of course everyone's experience will be slightly different but this is just how the journey has been for me and I wanted to share as I thought it might be helpful to hear for anyone who has recently found themselves facing a situation where DE might be the only option or anyone who is struggling to come to terms with the idea of using a donor and/or not having a biological child/children. My advice from my personal experience would be to do your research, and go with what you feel is right for you but if you desperately want to be pregnant, to have a baby and to have a family then go for it! I have 1 biological child and 1 donor and I wouldn't know the difference myself! I can't put into words the amount of happiness, joy, love and laughter that our decision just over 3 years ago has brought us. It is hands down the BEST decision that I have ever made and I honestly wouldn't change a single thing. 

Good luck to everyone TTC, undergoing IVF, 2WW, and to everyone expecting or raising DE children. 

 

[deblovescats]

Foxgloves - I remember you from the forum when I was also cycling for baby no 2. I totally concur with you about DE and hope that it reassures women who are anxious about going down this route. Both my children are from DE and were conceived in the same cycle, but one was born two years later in a FET. I have had lots of comments from people that both my children look like me so people do see what they want, but they do have my colouring.
I love my children absolutely and would not be without them. When I was pregnant, I did worry about would I love a DE baby and what would it look like, but once they were born, I could not have loved either of them more. I would do anything for them and don't even give the donor aspect another thought most of the time. I have never regretted going down this route. Like you, I wanted a baby and thought DE was my best chance of this. I am even planning going for no 3!

 

[Mooface]

Thank you both fur this. I’m in my first donor egg cycle and wobbling and this is exactly what I needed to read xx

 

[deblovescats]

Go for it mooface. I really is the best decision I've made. I do wish I'd been able to try OE but couldn't afford to do it and the odds were low due to my age, but I rationalise that the children would not be any more loved if they were.

 

[Star Dancer]

Fox Gloves, Thank you so much for posting about your experiences. I am in the early stages of pursuing donor egg at Reprofit. I have had three failed rounds of IVF with my own eggs and never got to a point of transfer because the quality of my eggs was so bad.  I was told after my second failed IVF that I should consider donor egg. This was a very low point for me and at that time the worst thing my doctor could have said. But since then I have come a long way and have a similar attitude as you where I want to have a family and experience pregnancy and I am over the emotional roller coaster with my own eggs. I now feel excited but of course, I still have those thoughts of, will the baby look like me? Especially with not seeing a photo of the donor. Will I love the baby as I would my own? etc.
Your story has provided a lot of reassurance for me, so thank you 

 

[Fox Gloves]

Debs! So lovely to see that you are still on the forum. I've been thinking a lot recently about how bizarre it is to go through all of the anxiety and this hugely nerve-wracking process which seems like a HUGE thing compared with having a baby spontaneously, but when all's said and done, it really isn't. Its pretty much exactly the same! Number 3, how exciting, when are you thinking of transferring? How many frosties do you have left? Gosh I don't blame you at all!! If I had any frosties I wouldn't hesitate to try and make DH let me do the same!! As it is we have no frosties, I had a very difficult pregnancy last time and spent a lot of time in hospital and had to lean on family a lot so we are done, but in your boat Id go for it!! Good luck xx


Mooface - Wobbling is most definitely common, I had a few wobbles between deciding to go for it and my bfp. Of course once I was pregnant I was already so in love with the baby but I had to really focus on enjoying the pregnancy and not letting anxieties take the joy away from the experience. Wishing you lots of luck with your cycle, do keep us posted!


emeds - I am so glad my post has given you some reassurance as that's exactly what I had hoped to do for anyone in the shoes I was in a few years ago. You will definitely love the baby like your own, no doubt about that and even if baby doesn't look like you, they will probably resemble your partner and have similarities to you where you matched your donor such as hair colour or eye colour and honestly, that's as much as many, many people have with their OE children anyway! Be excited, pregnancy is wonderful, having a newborn is just a miracle and babies, toddlers and children just fill your home and life with fun, laughter and happiness (and a little bit of tiredness and having to count to 10 now and again of course  ) Good luck with your next steps!

 

[singlemum-donoreggs?]

Thank you so much for posting this. It is HUGELY reassuring, as I am just about to start this journey myself.

 

[yoga31]

Agree. Agree. Agree!!

 

[Lil75]

Totally agree. Having my lo through DE was the best decision I ever made. I just wish I had gone down this route earlier in the fertility journey.......I would have about 10 children now!! I love being a Mammy and could not love my little girl any more than I do. She has brought such joy and laughter in to our lives and she is my world.

I had concerns starting the journey and still worry about how best to tell her that she is donor conceived but I wouldn't change things for the world.

Good luxk to everyone on this journey

 

[Nataz60]

Foxgloves - Thank you so much for this, I so appreciate this post and is exactly what I need to read as I start my DE journey. 

 

[Vivbubwish]

Foxgloves - thank you thank you for your post. I just found out this week Thursday our first IVF/ ICSI round failed. I am 41 with endo and diminished ovarian reserve. I responded to the meds which produced 5 follies but only got 3 eggs 1 of which was not mature enough to inject. Unfortunately the two that were injected via icsi failed to develop normally. They divided into 3 rather than the 2 cell they normally expect to see. I'm devastated heartbroken numb etc. Feel like this means my eggs are no good. We don't have the funds to keep trying so I'm trying to get my head around the donor egg option. Reading this this morning has been such a comfort. Thank you
Viv

 

[Ljp64]

Lovely to read your post Foxgloves
I couldn't agree more with what you said. I have a DE son and I know I couldn't love him more. I very rarely think about his conception and I never regret using a donor.

 

[miamiamo]

Vivbubwish - I am sorry you are going through this. Have you considered combining your treatment with acupuncture and/or PGS NGS? x

 

[Tinseltown]

OP – Thank you so much for this. We’ve chosen our donor for our second DEIVF (first one resulted in a CP) this morning and now trying to get into shape for our cycle in February.

 

[PDream1980]

Thank you . That has really helped me . I don’t have oe and will just have de . I am leaving the pursuit of oe . Thank you for putting this on here for people going through the steps need to hear x xx x x

 

[AMO67]

My DE baby turned 2 fairly recently and it got me thinking that my life has changed so very much since then that I should come back to the forum and post about my experience for those who might be in the same boat that I was in a few years ago and maybe struggling with the idea of using donor eggs.

A quick bit of history... I have always wanted a family and I conceived my first baby quickly and easily in my early 30s. When baby 1 was around 12 months old we conceived again first time trying but sadly this time it ended in mmc at 12 weeks. Then commenced our infertility journey, most of you guys will know the drill, ttc month after month, cycle after cycle, bfn and af after bfn and af all whilst being told to 'relax and it will happen'.

Eventually tests showed that I had a low ovarian reserve and we started IVF straight away. First cycle resulted in 6 eggs but only 2 made it to day 1 and only 1 was left on day 2 and was transferred but resulted in bfn. Our clinic maintained that the protocol was the best available and offered to do exactly the same again so we changed clinic and tried another protocol where my ovaries didn't really respond so we converted to IUI and got a bfn.

At this point we had enough savings for 1 more shot at ivf. If we tried with my eggs and had another bfn (which seemed highly likely at this stage) we would have to save up for another go at ivf in a year or 2s time, making the age gap with baby 1 even bigger and putting us through at least 1-2 years more heart ache, longing and a feeling that we weren't really living or enjoying life but more waiting in limbo for what we so desperately wanted. If we went with donor eggs we had a much higher chance of success and we could complete our family and move on. It was a pretty simple decision for me, I found the infertility rollercoaster really, really tough and I just wanted to get off and enjoy life, its just too short to feel so desperate and unhappy. I'd already had a baby and I was desperate to do it all again and for a sibling for my child. So we went for it. We went abroad, used an egg donor and I got pregnant on that first cycle. It was a difficult pregnancy and of course I had so much anxiety about what our baby would be like, who he/she would resemble and how I would feel in comparison to my OE baby but our baby was born just over 2 years ago and I havent looked back.

I got off that rollercoaster the minute baby 2 was born, just as I had wanted. We have had 2 blissful years of happiness, as a family and have moved on exactly as we had wanted to and I only really look back occasionally at anniversaries and things. I honestly wouldn't change a thing about my journey at this stage because baby 2 is such a wonderful little person who has bought us so very much joy and love. I needn't have worried at all at about who the baby/child might look like because I get told baby 2 looks like me as much if not more than I am told baby 1 (oe) looks like me. I actually don't think either really look that much like me but there are similarities to me in both of them, people see what they want to see. The family likeness is certainly close enough that if I had had ivf with 2 eggs, 1 donor and 1 mine that I honestly wouldn't know which one had resulted in the pregnancy.

Personally, I absolutely do not feel any differently at all about my DE baby than I did/do my OE child, I love them both with the same intense, overwhelming love and knowing what I know now I wouldn't hesitate to make the same decisions over again. They are both my children, I love them equally and I very rarely even think now about how they were conceived because life is way too busy and we are having fun, making memories and living family life. I also rarely think about the donor, whilst what she did was absolutely amazing and her willingness to do this for me has significantly changed my life and I will be indebted to her forever, she was very young and I believe that she thinks of this as I do, that she donated a tiny cell, the size of a small stop which was just 1 ingredient in the recipe that makes a baby and myself and my husband provided the other ingredients and the oven.

Of course everyone's experience will be slightly different but this is just how the journey has been for me and I wanted to share as I thought it might be helpful to hear for anyone who has recently found themselves facing a situation where DE might be the only option or anyone who is struggling to come to terms with the idea of using a donor and/or not having a biological child/children. My advice from my personal experience would be to do your research, and go with what you feel is right for you but if you desperately want to be pregnant, to have a baby and to have a family then go for it! I have 1 biological child and 1 donor and I wouldn't know the difference myself! I can't put into words the amount of happiness, joy, love and laughter that our decision just over 3 years ago has brought us. It is hands down the BEST decision that I have ever made and I honestly wouldn't change a single thing.

Good luck to everyone TTC, undergoing IVF, 2WW, and to everyone expecting or raising DE children.

 

[AMO67]

I’ve just read your amazing post and it’s given me a more positive feeling for I too have all those feelings and worries about a DE baby. Thank you ❤