Thought I'd try the male section. We have just found out, after one failed ICSI and a miscarriage, that the results of our sperm fragmentation test are awful and we will probably need donor sperm. We have a frozen embryo from our first ICSI, but with such a poor fragmentation result there is a literal 99% chance that the embryo transfer will fail or I will miscarry again. Why wont my partner talk to me? He wants to put the frozen ones back and have a go at conceiving. I dont want to go through the emotional roller coaster, risk a late miscarriage and having to go through a labour, or risk a still birth/ very mentally/physically ill child. As a male, would you want to take the risk of all this so that you can have a child that is genetically your own?
why dont men talk?
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hiya
I've asked my dh the same question, bearing in mind we have both had a child with our previous partners but have been unable to conceive a child together.
This is his reply........
Hi
I've been lucky to have had a dd with my ex wife after suffering 9 m/c, one of which was around 20wks, so I have had my fair share of heartache and thrashing out the "whys" and "what ifs".
Has the hospital told you for sure that this "frostie" will not be successful? Every pg and every tx carries its own risks, the thing you've both got to do is sit down, together, and with your Consultant and examine what the risks are.
"If" there's this 99% risk of it not working or "if" there is this 99% risk you may m/c...well..I for one, no matter how much I wanted my own "biological" child, would not be prepared to put my wife/partner through this, as well as myself.
I understand the need for wanting your "own" child, and yes I've been blessed with a dd, but my (ex) wife was always my main concern at the time. Seeing her go through so much pain, anguish, and subsequent depression was one of the hardest things I've had to deal with. At one point I didn't feel like I could go on with trying ...afterall...I was in a slightly "easier" position than her...it wasn't me, my body, my emotions having to endure the m/cs but seeing her suffer did my head in.
You both need to weigh up the risks and make any decision together.
I'm now with my 2nd wife, (Angel aka Gayn) and have adopted her son, Sam. He was 4 years old when we met and had had no contact with his "biological" father.
Things were a bit tough to begin with and although I'd had experience of being a "Dad" it was different dealing with Sam as he was not my "own".
We now have a great relationship and I love him like my "own". He's not got my genes, he doesn't look like me, (spitting image of his Mum) but...he's "my boy" through and through. He's picked up a lot of my traits, my mannerisms, my (rude) sense of humour, much to the annoyance of his Mum
This decision can only be reached by you two, and everyone here can only give their opinion and advice, and of course support.
The bottom line then for me is no, I wouldn't take such a risk to have a child with Gayn, she is far more important to me than "my" need to have a biological child, and I'd go for donor sperm.
I wish you both well, and all the best for the future, whatever you decide.
Mr. Angel27 aka Andy
I've asked my dh the same question, bearing in mind we have both had a child with our previous partners but have been unable to conceive a child together.
This is his reply........
Hi
I've been lucky to have had a dd with my ex wife after suffering 9 m/c, one of which was around 20wks, so I have had my fair share of heartache and thrashing out the "whys" and "what ifs".
Has the hospital told you for sure that this "frostie" will not be successful? Every pg and every tx carries its own risks, the thing you've both got to do is sit down, together, and with your Consultant and examine what the risks are.
"If" there's this 99% risk of it not working or "if" there is this 99% risk you may m/c...well..I for one, no matter how much I wanted my own "biological" child, would not be prepared to put my wife/partner through this, as well as myself.
I understand the need for wanting your "own" child, and yes I've been blessed with a dd, but my (ex) wife was always my main concern at the time. Seeing her go through so much pain, anguish, and subsequent depression was one of the hardest things I've had to deal with. At one point I didn't feel like I could go on with trying ...afterall...I was in a slightly "easier" position than her...it wasn't me, my body, my emotions having to endure the m/cs but seeing her suffer did my head in.
You both need to weigh up the risks and make any decision together.
I'm now with my 2nd wife, (Angel aka Gayn) and have adopted her son, Sam. He was 4 years old when we met and had had no contact with his "biological" father.
Things were a bit tough to begin with and although I'd had experience of being a "Dad" it was different dealing with Sam as he was not my "own".
We now have a great relationship and I love him like my "own". He's not got my genes, he doesn't look like me, (spitting image of his Mum) but...he's "my boy" through and through. He's picked up a lot of my traits, my mannerisms, my (rude) sense of humour, much to the annoyance of his Mum
This decision can only be reached by you two, and everyone here can only give their opinion and advice, and of course support.
The bottom line then for me is no, I wouldn't take such a risk to have a child with Gayn, she is far more important to me than "my" need to have a biological child, and I'd go for donor sperm.
I wish you both well, and all the best for the future, whatever you decide.
Mr. Angel27 aka Andy
Hi,
thanks for your replies. I am not very good at this message board idea but am gradually getting to grips with-albeit slowly.. I should have replied sooner but could not work out if I was replying to you personally or the message board- I now know it is the message board! Your reply was a great deal of help and I appreciate the time you took over it.
Thanks.
thanks for your replies. I am not very good at this message board idea but am gradually getting to grips with-albeit slowly.. I should have replied sooner but could not work out if I was replying to you personally or the message board- I now know it is the message board! Your reply was a great deal of help and I appreciate the time you took over it.
Thanks.
Joined
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209 Posts
Hiya – I’ve also spoken to DH and hope that I interpret his comments correctly.
We need DE and my DH had a terrible time accepting this. His comments to the clinic when we were first told (we smile now!) but he had real fears about our child not looking like me. He felt that we were being “cheated” having to use DE and we had lots of tears and tantrums along the way.
What may have helped in our case was that my poor quality eggs and DHs sperm abnormalities were probably the cause of our 2 m/cs. This went an awful way in our decision-making process around ICSI and hence DH eventually accepted this.
What DH says is that men have ways of handling IVF differently to women. It’s quite embarrassing for men to talk about (apparently) and only those truly in touch with their feminine side handle this easily. BUT it doesn’t mean they care any less! They may laugh and joke and dismiss the “little things” but it’s there way of getting through this.
My DH feels that he has to counter-balance my emotions. If I am down in the dumps or emotional – he plays the exact “opposite card” so to speak. If my glass is half empty (often), then his is half full! I know it sounds weird, but having given this some thought, he’s right! It works for us and that’s all that matters. Some people may think my DH doesn’t care or is not as supportive as he could be – to those people I would say, I am the judge of that. I could not have gone this far without his love, support, encouragement, commitment and shoulder to cry on.
Anyway, we are now awaiting our third donor (we do have 3 frosties), so I guess in our own way, we are working towards a common goal (in our case, words aren’t louder than actions).
Hope this helps.
Love Nicky xxxxxxxx
We need DE and my DH had a terrible time accepting this. His comments to the clinic when we were first told (we smile now!) but he had real fears about our child not looking like me. He felt that we were being “cheated” having to use DE and we had lots of tears and tantrums along the way.
What may have helped in our case was that my poor quality eggs and DHs sperm abnormalities were probably the cause of our 2 m/cs. This went an awful way in our decision-making process around ICSI and hence DH eventually accepted this.
What DH says is that men have ways of handling IVF differently to women. It’s quite embarrassing for men to talk about (apparently) and only those truly in touch with their feminine side handle this easily. BUT it doesn’t mean they care any less! They may laugh and joke and dismiss the “little things” but it’s there way of getting through this.
My DH feels that he has to counter-balance my emotions. If I am down in the dumps or emotional – he plays the exact “opposite card” so to speak. If my glass is half empty (often), then his is half full! I know it sounds weird, but having given this some thought, he’s right! It works for us and that’s all that matters. Some people may think my DH doesn’t care or is not as supportive as he could be – to those people I would say, I am the judge of that. I could not have gone this far without his love, support, encouragement, commitment and shoulder to cry on.
Anyway, we are now awaiting our third donor (we do have 3 frosties), so I guess in our own way, we are working towards a common goal (in our case, words aren’t louder than actions).
Hope this helps.
Love Nicky xxxxxxxx
Joined
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247 Posts
Nicky - dw accusses me of being in touch with my feminie side as I post of FF. It's hard to talk as a bloke but my issue with FF is I don't plan to meet anyone and it's not something I ever with to discuss with my mates if only for the fact they'd never understand... 
Good luck to all
Andy
Good luck to all
Andy
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